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Old 09-21-2018, 03:39 PM
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Kind of a work in progress: -

Thinking is blinking with out the blank,
Just as money is cash without the bank,
although money is a worthless depository,
Of no value with no backing commodity,
A government decree, that under
compulsion of implied violence, serves
to silence us all.

There is a monopoly on legal brutality,
Our democratically approved, morally reproved,
fugacity have the audacity to approve,
Violence against citizens, and silence
against subjects and abject misdeeds
that bleeds away the need for Government.

And the sentiment grows, that silence is needed,
But not to be conceded by the populace,
Rather an old dominance is to be ceded,
By our incompetent governments.


Last edited by Chinspinner; 09-22-2018 at 04:14 AM..
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Old 09-23-2018, 09:12 PM
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very clunky rhyme. when all's been said and done, probably pick upper case or lower case to start the line
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Old 09-23-2018, 10:23 PM
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This could easily be expanded.
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Old 09-24-2018, 06:37 AM
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I like the idea of silence introduced three times in this piece.
Money silence the obvious. It spoils everything.
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Old 09-28-2018, 12:07 PM
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Thanks all, I kinda agree with Chat Bot, in that the second half of this gets clunky as fuck.

I agree with Prodigal in that it needs to be expanded to stretch out the clunkiness.

I also take the observation that there are controlling factors (be they x,y,z or economic) that silence us all as identified by Nacia.

The first stanza works for me, the other two was just crap I wrote because I was bored of writing. I will take your advice on board.
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:06 PM
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I like this piece for its cadence and message. But much of the message, for me, gets lost in a jumble of words that don't make sense.
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Old 10-06-2018, 03:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Sh'nette View Post
I like this piece for its cadence and message. But much of the message, for me, gets lost in a jumble of words that don't make sense.
Agreed, I got caught up in rhymes and lost meaning. Actually the last two stanzas are just crap, a nonsensical diatribe without meaning.
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