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the last supper

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  #1  
Old 09-13-2018, 02:13 PM
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Default the last supper


bread and wine
and the menu
isn't
dine
according to the
the frescos, in many ways a fiasco, may have
been the best though,
but cheese is the chosen
feast to accompany
the grapes of this elevated kind,
is this supper a waste
of grind
that shows mercy only the blind?

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Last edited by Nacia; 09-14-2018 at 02:08 PM..
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Old 09-21-2018, 02:39 PM
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bread and wine
and the menu
isn't
dine (wrong tense and why the new line, must you define the sublime with bad rhymes?)
according to the
the (repetition) frescos, in many ways a fiasco, may have
been the best though, (Oh, this should be good fresco-fiasco-best though... just wish you did more with it!)
but cheese is the chosen (and this, if in a better context, is great!)
feast to accompany
the grapes of this elevated kind,
is this supper a waste
of grind
that shows mercy only the blind?

Dam, Nacia, there is so much wasted potential here, you have some great rhymes and lines, just wish you could pull them together into a cohesive whole.
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  #3  
Old 09-21-2018, 04:19 PM
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Chinspinner thank you for going through this piece.
I always appreciate your feedback and I get what you are saying about pulling into a cohesive whole.
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in sound
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it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind
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