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  #1  
Old 10-06-2018, 12:10 PM
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Default swish


life swings in roundabouts
take a loud spark
it lights up
fireworks sucks
the swish strikes sounds
in laminate
light levitates
a candle agitates
darkness is bright.

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a lesson in
life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind

Last edited by Nacia; 10-06-2018 at 12:40 PM..
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  #2  
Old 10-06-2018, 12:20 PM
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life swings in roundabouts
take a loud spark (awkward)
it lights up (yup?)
fireworks sucks (I hate colloquialisms in poetry, they undermine any serious point. Don't use them)
the swish strikes sounds ("strike" singular)
in laminate (why laminate? I may be wrong, but that is specific to florring? WTF)
light agitates (sort of, agitates suggests flickering but is awkward)
a candle meditates (sort of, can a candle meditate? in better context, yes, but in this, no
darkness is bright. (This Juxtaposition is not earned).

Hi Nacia,

As usual I am harsh but honest. I truly wish I could be harsh and honest and positive, alas this is largely tripe.

Well, I am here if you wanna kick me in the balls.
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  #3  
Old 10-06-2018, 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
life swings in roundabouts
take a loud spark (awkward)
it lights up (yup?)
fireworks sucks (I hate colloquialisms in poetry, they undermine any serious point. Don't use them)
the swish strikes sounds ("strike" singular)
in laminate (why laminate? I may be wrong, but that is specific to florring? WTF)
light agitates (sort of, agitates suggests flickering but is awkward)
a candle meditates (sort of, can a candle meditate? in better context, yes, but in this, no
darkness is bright. (This Juxtaposition is not earned).

Hi Nacia,

As usual I am harsh but honest. I truly wish I could be harsh and honest and positive, alas this is largely tripe.

Well, I am here if you wanna kick me in the balls.
There is a light under a tunnel and it never goes out.
Honest is good never mind harsh.
I dont know about tripe but I do give it a shot haha
I did have to swap agitate with levitate.
__________________
a lesson in
life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 10-06-2018, 01:49 PM
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As always Nacia, I appreciate that you take harsh criticism in good humour. It shows a depth of character. I truly wish I could be nicer.
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  #5  
Old 10-06-2018, 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
As always Nacia, I appreciate that you take harsh criticism in good humour. It shows a depth of character. I truly wish I could be nicer.
Nicer? I think you are great just as you are never change and that is me being
very honest. haha
__________________
a lesson in
life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Nacia For This Useful Post:
Chinspinner (10-06-2018)
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