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Highwaymen of Echelon

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  #1  
Old 09-28-2018, 02:20 PM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Default Highwaymen of Echelon


Here we are in the night
We are the Fighters Flight.

We scurry like little mice
We are the Fighters Flight.

Here we are in the south
Which opens the zipper cloud.

We scamper like little rats
We are Chevaliers of Night.

Donít fear us since weíre merry
We love to palpate women hairy.

We scamper like wanton rats
We are Chevaliers of Night.

Donít fear man and his shotgun
Heíll make you circle crimson suns.

We scamper like skullcap goblins
We are Highwaymen of Night.

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  #2  
Old 09-28-2018, 03:15 PM
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Ok sod it, I am awake...

You have gone with pure nature's way rhyming, which is fine. It is hard to fight that rhyming scheme because it is so primal it kinda drags you along. Here is hoping... ok...

Here we are in the night
We are the Fighters Flight. (kinda like the subversion of flight rather that fight... kinda)

We scurry like little mice (this kinda does it but misses a little for me, I cannot explain why)
We are the Fighters Flight. (like the repetition of this)

Here we are in the south (ok arbitrary uses of compass points for rhymes always weirds me out)
Which opens the zipper cloud. (a zipper cloud eh?)

We scamper like little rats ( I hate the inclusion of little)
We are Chevaliers of Night. (no you are not, you are cowardly...)

Don’t fear us since we’re merry (why the sudden change in tone? ok too many contradictions, skip to end)
We love to palpate women hairy.

We scamper like wanton rats
We are Chevaliers of Night.

Don’t fear man and his shotgun
He’ll make you circle crimson suns.

We scamper like skullcap goblins
We are Highwaymen of Night.

Suspension of disbelief. You can sell me anything as long as you have a consistent internal logic. Here they are scared, they are royal knights, they are brave. Which are they? Sort it out before you tell me.

Internal logic is not a remote idea, it describes someone who understands their characters. If you do not understand internal logic, do not write. BTW, internal logic, I had not said it enough.
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Old 09-28-2018, 07:38 PM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Is this revision ok?

Here we are in the night
We are Cowards Flight.

We scurry like diminutive mice
We are Cowards Flight.

Here we are in the south
Which opens zipper clouds.

We scamper like little rats
We are Cowards of Night.

Don’t fear us since we’re merry
We love palpating women hairy.

We scamper like wanton rats
We are Cowards of Night.

Don’t fear man and flamboyant shotguns
He’ll make you circle crimson suns.

We scamper like skullcap goblins
We are Cowards of Echelon.
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