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  #1  
Old 10-13-2018, 02:22 AM
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failure is
undeniably
the trailer
to the many who
copy the wailer
and
it is the past time
favourite of the sailor
who wishes the seas
a little staler
the horizon is paler
but the promise
to get to it
when all around is
a galer
is greater then the
world's equator
to assume any later
is to do the success
a favour
it only wants the few
for a gamer.

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a lesson in
life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind

Last edited by Nacia; 10-13-2018 at 02:28 AM..
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  #2  
Old 10-13-2018, 03:48 AM
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May I? Once again, why do you chop lines? A new line should be a new thought or clause or for reasons of pausing your audience... reasons. The more you use it, the more you cry wolf, and the more people will dismiss it- it is a literary tool and like any tool, it wears thin through use- to mix metaphors- but hopefully one of them will strike home.

failure is undeniably the trailer (ok)
to the many who copy the wailer (who, what?)
and it is the past time favourite of the sailor (odd jump)
who wishes the seas a little staler (feels like forced rhymes now)
the horizon is paler (definitely forced rhymes)

but the promise to get to it
when all around is a galer (haha, is this a joke? "galer" fuck me)
is greater then the world's equator (yes, this works.)

to assume any later is to do the success
a favour it only wants the few
for a gamer.

And then Chinspinner woke up- it was all just a game- good, I thought it was an attempted poem.
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  #3  
Old 10-13-2018, 02:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
May I? Once again, why do you chop lines? A new line should be a new thought or clause or for reasons of pausing your audience... reasons. The more you use it, the more you cry wolf, and the more people will dismiss it- it is a literary tool and like any tool, it wears thin through use- to mix metaphors- but hopefully one of them will strike home.

failure is undeniably the trailer (ok)
to the many who copy the wailer (who, what?)
and it is the past time favourite of the sailor (odd jump)
who wishes the seas a little staler (feels like forced rhymes now)
the horizon is paler (definitely forced rhymes)

but the promise to get to it
when all around is a galer (haha, is this a joke? "galer" fuck me)
is greater then the world's equator (yes, this works.)

to assume any later is to do the success
a favour it only wants the few
for a gamer.

And then Chinspinner woke up- it was all just a game- good, I thought it was an attempted poem.
LOL I like reading all this.
After all poetry is experiment.
I like chop lines. Haha.
It is easier for me.
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a lesson in
life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind
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  #4  
Old 10-13-2018, 09:38 PM
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my fav poem of the night! good one, nacia. it's about travels for me.
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  #5  
Old 10-14-2018, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Nacia View Post
failure is
undeniably
the trailer
to the many who
copy the wailer
and
it is the past time
favourite of the sailor
who wishes the seas
a little staler
the horizon is paler
but the promise
to get to it
when all around is
a galer
is greater then the
world's equator
to assume any later
is to do the success
a favour
it only wants the few
for a gamer.
So...this is about Nelson, right?

Failure is the trailer
to success.
Fail, re-try, re-group, don't cry.
Don't break under duress.

Nelson, the sailor, was always paler
than the rest of his crew.
With a storm brewing, he was green and spewing
yet led them to victory too.

As the gales battered, his vomit splattered
on a deck be-strewn with the dead.
A battle staged, the canons raged
their victory secured in his head.

The moral of the tale y' see, is never pay for therapy
but let your madness shine.
An admiral that couldn't sail ... battered, yet to no avail.
Unthwarted by life's design.

Not entirely blessed, a shot to the chest
and he bled out, still trying to be plucky.
"Hardy, come close to me ...never pay for therapy...
keep trying...sometimes we get lucky"
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Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 10-14-2018 at 08:21 AM..
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  #6  
Old 10-14-2018, 09:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
So...this is about Nelson, right?

Failure is the trailer
to success.
Fail, re-try, re-group, don't cry.
Don't break under duress.

Nelson, the sailor, was always paler
than the rest of his crew.
With a storm brewing, he was green and spewing
yet led them to victory too.

As the gales battered, his vomit splattered
on a deck be-strewn with the dead.
A battle staged, the canons raged
their victory secured in his head.

The moral of the tale y' see, is never pay for therapy
but let your madness shine.
An admiral that couldn't sail ... battered, yet to no avail.
Unthwarted by life's design.

Not entirely blessed, a shot to the chest
and he bled out, still trying to be plucky.
"Hardy, come close to me ...never pay for therapy...
keep trying...sometimes we get lucky"
Nice.
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a lesson in
life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind
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  #7  
Old 10-14-2018, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Nacia View Post
Nice.
That is what your poem was getting at, right?
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  #8  
Old 10-14-2018, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
That is what your poem was getting at, right?
Yes Grace that was spot on. You should critique more.
__________________
a lesson in
life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind

Last edited by Nacia; 10-14-2018 at 12:35 PM..
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