WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Children's Literature

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 10-13-2018, 06:14 PM
Chinspinner's Avatar
Chinspinner (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,317
Thanks: 204
Thanks 230
Default Children's Literature


Hello, I would like help with my new children's book, I am unsure if it is hitting the right tone.

Smack head Jim removed the litter from his person.
He saw that half injected needle.
So did Prostitute Alice.
They both reached for the needle, but it fell from their grasp.

HOHOHO said Dave the Gay hippo.
He plunged the needle into himself.
Dave the Gay Hippo was ecstatic.

Smack head Jim and Prostitute Alice were less convinced.
Fortunately they knew a local kebab shop.
They lifted Dave the Gay Hippo...

And this is where I am struggling. I do not want to be preachy, but I believe my children's book needs a resolution. How do I impart further erudition?

Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 10-13-2018, 11:36 PM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Offline)
Still Clicking!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 5,557
Thanks: 441
Thanks 1,231
Default

I donít believe Dave and Alice could lift a hippo; itís not believable. Iíd say lose the junkies and focus on a pink chubby (not that kind) hippo. Maybe he could eat some sushi (not that kind).
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to brianpatrick For This Useful Post:
Chinspinner (10-14-2018)
  #3  
Old 10-14-2018, 04:02 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,980
Thanks: 2,275
Thanks 1,269
Default

Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
Hello, I would like help with my new children's book, I am unsure if it is hitting the right tone.

Smack head Jim removed the litter from his person.
He saw that half injected needle.
So did Prostitute Alice.
They both reached for the needle, but it fell from their grasp.

HOHOHO said Dave the Gay hippo.
He plunged the needle into himself.
Dave the Gay Hippo was ecstatic.

Smack head Jim and Prostitute Alice were less convinced.
Fortunately they knew a local kebab shop.
They lifted Dave the Gay Hippo...

And this is where I am struggling. I do not want to be preachy, but I believe my children's book needs a resolution. How do I impart further erudition?

So, 'Dave the gay hippo' is really Santa...his hohoho was a dead giveaway. Too many mince pies and gallons of sherry had burgeoned that waistline far beyond a jolly rotundness and into hippo proportions. Santa's reindeer abandoned him for steady employment at a stately home in Norfolk. (all the resident deer had been shot due to the squire's love of blasting a rifle and serving venison at dinner parties.) The reindeeer secured a permanent contract appearing on the lawns at dawn and dusk looking aesthetically beautiful in the mist. Santa, meantime, had spiralled from a sixty-pint-a-day sherry problem into drugs, as he dabbled with speed to induce weight loss and moved on to cocaine, as it seemed to work for the super models. A mistaken present-drop to a drugs den in Clapham had sealed his fate in December 2010 - Santa had declined the communal crack-pipe explaining "I need to rush" and someone had duly obliged by plunging a filthy hypodermic into his arm. The rest is history.

I feel the story needs to have a touching twist. Smack-head Jim and prostitute Alice haul what they think is a hippo to the kebab shop to negotiate cash for his blubbery carcass. As the kebab-shop owner peels away the filthy pink bath-robe from Santa, he discovers a thin, wizened old man underneath with an assortment of carefully wrapped parcels secured to his body with duct tape. There are only three, with torn labels hanging limply and scrawled in a spidery hand....to Alice...to Jim...to Stavros...love Santa x. So the trio rip open their gifts in great excitement - Jim has a paperback copy of 'Think and Grow Rich' ....Alice has an over-sized, highly collectable Steiffe tedddy bear..and Stavros has the Swiss army pocket-knife of his dreams. Elated and touched by Santa's love and determination to deliver their gifts, Stavros closes the shop and follows Alice and Jim back to their squat for a celebration. Alice sells her valuable Steiffe bar in a pawn shop en route and secures them all some heroin. Jim shreds his Think and Grow Rich to start a fire to keep them warm and Stavros christens his new pocket-knife by disembowelling Santa and cooking him over the fire on a spit.

So, Santa did indeed deliver the best Christmas they had known in a long time - warmth, food and friendship which all flowed from Santa's original spirit of giving...

Something heartwarming like that maybe..
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL

Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 10-14-2018 at 04:10 AM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Grace Gabriel For This Useful Post:
Chinspinner (10-14-2018)
  #4  
Old 10-14-2018, 07:16 AM
Vince (Online)
Profusive Denizen
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 240
Thanks: 3
Thanks 42
Default

shock as wit ends up being niether. Nice responces. esp. Santa as a ho ho ho
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-14-2018, 08:51 AM
Chinspinner's Avatar
Chinspinner (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,317
Thanks: 204
Thanks 230
Default

Originally Posted by Vince View Post
shock as wit ends up being niether. Nice responces. esp. Santa as a ho ho ho
You were shocked?
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 10-14-2018, 08:53 AM
Chinspinner's Avatar
Chinspinner (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,317
Thanks: 204
Thanks 230
Default

Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
So, 'Dave the gay hippo' is really Santa...his hohoho was a dead giveaway. Too many mince pies and gallons of sherry had burgeoned that waistline far beyond a jolly rotundness and into hippo proportions. Santa's reindeer abandoned him for steady employment at a stately home in Norfolk. (all the resident deer had been shot due to the squire's love of blasting a rifle and serving venison at dinner parties.) The reindeeer secured a permanent contract appearing on the lawns at dawn and dusk looking aesthetically beautiful in the mist. Santa, meantime, had spiralled from a sixty-pint-a-day sherry problem into drugs, as he dabbled with speed to induce weight loss and moved on to cocaine, as it seemed to work for the super models. A mistaken present-drop to a drugs den in Clapham had sealed his fate in December 2010 - Santa had declined the communal crack-pipe explaining "I need to rush" and someone had duly obliged by plunging a filthy hypodermic into his arm. The rest is history.

I feel the story needs to have a touching twist. Smack-head Jim and prostitute Alice haul what they think is a hippo to the kebab shop to negotiate cash for his blubbery carcass. As the kebab-shop owner peels away the filthy pink bath-robe from Santa, he discovers a thin, wizened old man underneath with an assortment of carefully wrapped parcels secured to his body with duct tape. There are only three, with torn labels hanging limply and scrawled in a spidery hand....to Alice...to Jim...to Stavros...love Santa x. So the trio rip open their gifts in great excitement - Jim has a paperback copy of 'Think and Grow Rich' ....Alice has an over-sized, highly collectable Steiffe tedddy bear..and Stavros has the Swiss army pocket-knife of his dreams. Elated and touched by Santa's love and determination to deliver their gifts, Stavros closes the shop and follows Alice and Jim back to their squat for a celebration. Alice sells her valuable Steiffe bar in a pawn shop en route and secures them all some heroin. Jim shreds his Think and Grow Rich to start a fire to keep them warm and Stavros christens his new pocket-knife by disembowelling Santa and cooking him over the fire on a spit.

So, Santa did indeed deliver the best Christmas they had known in a long time - warmth, food and friendship which all flowed from Santa's original spirit of giving...

Something heartwarming like that maybe..
As much as I enjoyed this, I wish you turned your attention to something less frivolous.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 10-14-2018, 10:31 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,980
Thanks: 2,275
Thanks 1,269
Default

Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
As much as I enjoyed this, I wish you turned your attention to something less frivolous.

Frivolous be damned...it's a modern Christmas classic.....
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Children's Show The Hitchiker Writers' Cafe 0 05-07-2013 07:48 AM
The Society for Open Digital Literature is looking to sponsor talented writers DavidP Writing Markets 0 07-25-2010 03:40 AM
Three Eras in American Literature starrwriter Non-Fiction 0 01-31-2007 06:22 AM
Wicked Hollow (The Journal of Dark Literature) Jay Writing Markets 0 05-16-2006 06:11 AM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:51 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.