Originally Posted by Chinspinner
Hello, I would like help with my new children's book, I am unsure if it is hitting the right tone.
Smack head Jim removed the litter from his person.
He saw that half injected needle.
So did Prostitute Alice.
They both reached for the needle, but it fell from their grasp.
HOHOHO said Dave the Gay hippo.
He plunged the needle into himself.
Dave the Gay Hippo was ecstatic.
Smack head Jim and Prostitute Alice were less convinced.
Fortunately they knew a local kebab shop.
They lifted Dave the Gay Hippo...
And this is where I am struggling. I do not want to be preachy, but I believe my children's book needs a resolution. How do I impart further erudition?
So, 'Dave the gay hippo' is really Santa...his hohoho
was a dead giveaway. Too many mince pies and gallons of sherry had burgeoned that waistline far beyond a jolly rotundness and into hippo proportions. Santa's reindeer abandoned him for steady employment at a stately home in Norfolk. (all the resident deer had been shot due to the squire's love of blasting a rifle and serving venison at dinner parties.) The reindeeer secured a permanent contract appearing on the lawns at dawn and dusk looking aesthetically beautiful in the mist. Santa, meantime, had spiralled from a sixty-pint-a-day sherry problem into drugs, as he dabbled with speed to induce weight loss and moved on to cocaine, as it seemed to work for the super models. A mistaken present-drop to a drugs den in Clapham had sealed his fate in December 2010 - Santa had declined the communal crack-pipe explaining "I need to rush" and someone had duly obliged by plunging a filthy hypodermic into his arm. The rest is history.
I feel the story needs to have a touching twist. Smack-head Jim and prostitute Alice haul what they think
is a hippo to the kebab shop to negotiate cash for his blubbery carcass. As the kebab-shop owner peels away the filthy pink bath-robe from Santa, he discovers a thin, wizened old man underneath with an assortment of carefully wrapped parcels secured to his body with duct tape. There are only three, with torn labels hanging limply and scrawled in a spidery hand....to Alice
...love Santa x
. So the trio rip open their gifts in great excitement - Jim has a paperback copy of 'Think and Grow Rich' ....Alice has an over-sized, highly collectable Steiffe tedddy bear..and Stavros has the Swiss army pocket-knife of his dreams. Elated and touched by Santa's love and determination to deliver their gifts, Stavros closes the shop and follows Alice and Jim back to their squat for a celebration. Alice sells her valuable Steiffe bar in a pawn shop en route and secures them all some heroin. Jim shreds his Think and Grow Rich
to start a fire to keep them warm and Stavros christens his new pocket-knife by disembowelling Santa and cooking him over the fire on a spit.
So, Santa did indeed deliver the best Christmas they had known in a long time - warmth, food and friendship which all flowed from Santa's original spirit of giving...
Something heartwarming like that maybe..