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Short Story-"809"-1600 words

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  #1  
Old 06-07-2015, 05:26 PM
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Default Short Story-"809"-1600 words


1600 words
I'm sorry if 1600 words is too much to post on here. But tell me what you think if you do read it.

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Old 06-08-2015, 10:26 PM
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Started to read, but the tense is all messed up. You keep switching from present to past tense. Tried to push through but it started to get worse the further in I got.

Maybe try going back, and changing to past tense. Writing in present tense is more difficult to get right than most people think.
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Old 06-08-2015, 11:43 PM
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Hi

The story in and of itself is in my opinion quite good. It reveals itself gradually, providing interesting bits of information here and there, and I feel as a reader that I am being taken into quite a different kind of world. I think the main character's frustration and resistance to the world he lives in comes across quite well.

It is of course a personal preference, but I must admit I feel that stories written in the present tense is somewhat stressful to read. It feels kind of forced. Not sure if you understand what I mean You also appear to change into past tense a few places.


A couple of technicalities I noticed:
“Happy Birthday, Jesse!” My mother exclaims while I’m still half-sleep in bed. I shoot up at her sudden shriek and see her holding a small cake in her hands, covered in white frosting with “Happy Birthday!” written on it with purple frosting. I run a hand through my bed-head, sighing. My body feels like it didn’t get enough sleep. I did stay up all night, so that could be something to do with it.
I think you can quite successfully skip: with purple frosting. It seems redundant.


The bus pulls up to the curb. I roll up my sleeve, revealing the band we’re given at birth. The scanner scans my identification code with a green light that moves left to right. The automated bus doors creak open and I step on it.
This part at the beginning of the bus scene, stood out as a bit clunky. The bus scene as a whole was interesting and nicely descriptive, though I think you could make it flow a bit better.

The scanner scans ... hmm not my favorite phrase

... a green light that moves left to right. I wonder why you felt that was an important fact to convey. I like your idea here, but in my opinion it would do just fine to let the reader know that the scanner's green laser registered the main character as he entered the bus, without explaining exactly how the scanner works. Just an idea though.

and I step on it. It almost sounds as if he stepped on the doors. Maybe you could have him simply enter the bus. The automated bus doors creak open and I walk in.


All in all I like the story, but I think it will need some work

Garviel
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Old 06-19-2015, 11:18 AM
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I'm intrigued by the futuristic world in which a state-controlled economy allots employment at graduation and by the suspended animation centre the main character awakes in. I presume the first part was a memory. One is intrigued as to why the youth and others are frozen, and why the youth is now bring shot. Presumably he is not executed, or the story is over, unless to be resumed via another character's viewpoint. But then, why introduce the initial character in such detail if this is so, which makes me think it is not.
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Old 06-20-2015, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Phoenix Lazarus View Post
I'm intrigued by the futuristic world in which a state-controlled economy allots employment at graduation and by the suspended animation centre the main character awakes in. I presume the first part was a memory. One is intrigued as to why the youth and others are frozen, and why the youth is now bring shot. Presumably he is not executed, or the story is over, unless to be resumed via another character's viewpoint. But then, why introduce the initial character in such detail if this is so, which makes me think it is not.
He's shot because he spoke out against the government. Saying "I hate this world" led them to believe he is having free speech when it is actually illegal. They execute him because of that. And everything in the story happens in real time, so it's not memory.
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