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Ghost story - 2 paragraphs. Criticism welcome!

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  #1  
Old 10-14-2013, 05:49 AM
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Default Ghost story - 2 paragraphs. Criticism welcome!


There is a ghost in everyone, and every ghost has a story. This is mine.

1.
Years after my passing, I have reached peace. I was one of the unfortunate ghosts who was unable to recall life before death. Even death itself was a fragmented memory. A long locomotive wail, a flash of light, a momentary, searing heat. The end could only have lasted seconds, but it seemed minutes. I remember my ragged breathing, but, oddly, no pain. I remember mostly the feeling of isolation that my last moments on earth were not to be spent surrounded by my loved ones, but on the cold rail-road tracks beneath the bridge I now haunt.

The reader may ponder, why haunt a bridge? Why haunt at all? Whatever you do, do not believe that all ghosts are troubled souls seeking justice for their death. My death was of my own choosing. You see, there was no hand that pushed me from that bridge, but an inward force that caused me to leap willingly. No. I am still here because, until recently, I was still searching for the answers to questions surrounding my death. That night on those tracks, as the ambulance could be heard hurrying futilely to my aid, my last thoughts were on the two boys calling to me from atop bridge. I remember their voices, but not their names, or the name were shouting – my name. Who were they? Who was I? What caused me to leave them?

__________________________________________________ _________________
Working on a short story about a ghost who haunts a bridge. She is unable to remember much of anything about her life save for the brief moments leading up to her death. Her quest is to discover why she jumped to her death, and the identities of the two young boys who called out to her. She will also be faced with the question of what will become of her spirit when the bridge is torn down, as the town has condemned it as unsafe. Base largely on my two best childhood friends, and this creepy old bridge we used to frequent. First two paragraphs are below. Let me know what you think


Last edited by Hazel; 10-14-2013 at 05:57 AM..
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Old 10-14-2013, 07:42 AM
garviel (Offline)
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Greetings Hazel

Quite interesting to read the story from the ghost's point of view. And a ghost with amnesia, that's cool


A few comments
I was one of the unfortunate ghosts who was unable to recall life before death.
were (this point refers to ghosts, not the I character )


... a momentary, searing heat.
I don't think you need a comma here


The end could only have lasted seconds, but it seemed ??? minutes.
like? as?


... but, oddly ...
I would remove this comma too


Its difficult to reach an opinion on your story based only on two paragraphs, but the idea is interesting. I wonder why she would leap willingly in front of the train, when she apparently had good relations with her loved ones? But I am sure that will be explained later on.

You are starting to build a picture of the main character which is intriguing, but I also would like to know a bit more about the surroundings. Especially about the bridge. You let us know a bit where you explain a few things about the story, but this information needs to be incorporated into the actual story. The story itself does not mention that it is a creepy old bridge for example.

I am curious, is this going to be a kind of nice and cosy story about a ghost's journey to discovers her lost memories, or do you plan to have her meet some danger along the way? Just interested to know

I would like to read more


Oh, and thank you very much for commenting on my own story here Much appreciated!

Garviel
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Old 10-14-2013, 08:39 AM
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Yeah, I also like the idea even though I run from supernatural stories usually. A ghost with a purpose and memory loss. It raises several questions, but no doubt they would be answered in the story. Like, what kind of bridge haunt is she, a mean one or a benign one? And would the alive gender transfer over to her ghost life when she swapped her meat body for a vapor body.)

I believe 'railroad' is one word. And I wonder how it has achieved peace when the issue of her death is still unresolved?

Anyway, it is nice.
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Old 10-14-2013, 11:03 AM
Cityboy (Offline)
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A few comments


I was one of the unfortunate ghosts who was unable to recall life before death.
were (this point refers to ghosts, not the I character )

- - --- - - -- - -


I was one [of the unfortunate ghosts] who was . . . .

One is the antecedent of who, not ghosts. Sentence was correct.

Last edited by Cityboy; 10-14-2013 at 11:07 AM..
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Old 10-14-2013, 11:31 AM
Cityboy (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Hazel View Post
There is a ghost in everyone, and every ghost has a story. This is mine.

1.
Years after my passing, I have reached peace. I was one of the unfortunate ghosts who was unable to recall life before death. Even death itself was a fragmented memory. A long locomotive wail, a flash of light, a momentary, searing heat. The end could only have lasted seconds, but it seemed minutes. I remember my ragged breathing, but, oddly, no pain. I remember mostly the feeling of isolation that my last moments on earth were not to be spent surrounded by my loved ones, but on the cold rail-road tracks beneath the bridge I now haunt.

The reader may ponder, why haunt a bridge? Why haunt at all? Whatever you do, do not believe that all ghosts are troubled souls seeking justice for their death. My death was of my own choosing. You see, there was no hand that pushed me from that bridge, but an inward force that caused me to leap willingly. No. I am still here because, until recently, I was still searching for the answers to questions surrounding my death. That night on those tracks, as the ambulance could be heard hurrying futilely to my aid, my last thoughts were on the two boys calling to me from atop bridge. I remember their voices, but not their names, or the name were shouting – my name. Who were they? Who was I? What caused me to leave them?

__________________________________________________ _________________
Working on a short story about a ghost who haunts a bridge. She is unable to remember much of anything about her life save for the brief moments leading up to her death. Her quest is to discover why she jumped to her death, and the identities of the two young boys who called out to her. She will also be faced with the question of what will become of her spirit when the bridge is torn down, as the town has condemned it as unsafe. Base largely on my two best childhood friends, and this creepy old bridge we used to frequent. First two paragraphs are below. Let me know what you think
Hi, I played around with your 1st paragraph with trying to interfere with your voice.


Years after my passing, I finally reached peace. For I was one of the unfortunate ghosts who was unable to recall life after death. Even death left me with fragmented memories of a long locomotive wail, a flash of light, and momentarily searing heat. My end must have lasted only seconds, but it seemed like minutes. Strangely, I remember ragged breathing but no pain. However, what I remember mostly was a feeling of isolation. My departure from earth didn't include a farewell gathering of loved ones around my bed but instead it was a lonely moment on the cold railroad tracks beneath a bridge I now haunt.
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Old 10-14-2013, 11:40 AM
garviel (Offline)
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Hi Shelly

It seems I was too quick with that comment Looks very logical once you put the brackets around it.

Just curious, would these two sentences be correct?

I was among the ghosts who were spooky.
I was one of the ghosts who was afraid of Halloween


Anyway, thanks for pointing that out

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Old 10-14-2013, 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted by garviel View Post
Hi Shelly

It seems I was too quick with that comment Looks very logical once you put the brackets around it.

Just curious, would these two sentences be correct?

I was among the ghosts who were spooky.
I was one of the ghosts who was afraid of Halloween


Anyway, thanks for pointing that out

1. ghosts, the object of the prep. among, is the antecedent of who. Therefore the plural verb "were" is correct.

2. The pred. nom. "one" (sing.) is the antec. of who therefore the sing. verb was is correct.
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Old 10-14-2013, 03:00 PM
risk10 (Offline)
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Solid start to the story; I hope you post more.

I would remove the 'fourth wall breaker' when you refer to the reader. It took me out of the story - perhaps you might want to say - "You may ponder...." This will keep in line when you refer to the reader in the second person later on "You see..."

I would also use different phrasing when you refer to the "ambulance could be heard futilely hurrying to my aid", I think this could be worded better something like:

"..as I heard the ambulence hopelessly rush to my aid..."

That's just my opinion though - feel free to take or leave. Well done on a solid start.

@garviel - those singular and plural antecedents are a pain in the ****!

@shelly, thank you for clearing it up. Very useful to know.

TAKE THE RISK
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Old 10-14-2013, 07:47 PM
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Very interesting and unique story. I would love to read more. I was pulled into the scene immediately.
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Old 10-22-2013, 10:16 AM
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Here are a couple of corrections that I believe makes sense:

Even death itself was a fragmented memory; a long locomotive wail, a flash of light, a momentary, searing heat.

I remember their voices, but not their names, or the name they were shouting – my name.

Aside from that, I’m interested in reading more. Pretty intriguing.
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