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Boogieslayer

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  #1  
Old 06-13-2018, 01:16 PM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Leave me dancing with myself
I am losing battles against maelstroms
of man and his foxtrot centipedefeet.

I slide, whirling by discotheque floors
Mortals find me winking at husbands
or whores in slews of crowds in earthís
ultraviolet nightclub.

Letís boogie/downtown!
The brain does it for me.

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  #2  
Old 06-13-2018, 10:57 PM
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Nacia (Offline)
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very nice!!

maelstroms
centipedefeet
slews
ultraviolet


an interesting mix of vocabulary.
well written much enjoyed apart from the sixth line. I am not sure about it.
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a lesson in
life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind
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  #3  
Old 06-14-2018, 07:29 AM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Thanks Nacia! The last line isn't the strongest but I will revise that anyway thanks again!
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