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  #31  
Old 12-17-2015, 02:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Rhein13 View Post
It's tough sometimes when you only get a snippet. It's tough to truly know each character and their motives so thats why I pointed it out just incase.

I miss obvious things all the time! But that usually has to do with a girls vagueness when they try to subtly suggest they're into me, lol.

Comment 14 tells you this is part of a larger story. Gallo has made his way across these pages during other posts.

As you progress with the pen you will eschew such dumbed down expressions as lol.

I suggest you get a copy of Strunk and White then carefully read the section regarding slang.

And while we are waiting for that happen, Christ in a bikini, you're a writer - can't you be original when you tell us how you laugh?

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  #32  
Old 12-17-2015, 04:29 AM
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Don't have time for that when I'm typing on my phone. It's annoying enough having to mash my big fingers on the tiny touch pad and getting multiple letter hits at once!
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  #33  
Old 12-17-2015, 06:50 AM
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Loved the part about the boots, it added a nice little spice to the whole thing.

It may be a part of your style, but a few instances of over explaining almost detract from the story. Not too many instances but the whole line where he "grabs his leather jacket" from "the chair back" and puts it on "over his t shirt" as he "glances out the door" just has a lot of details that could possible be gleaned from the context.

He could just grab his jacket and throw it on glancing out the door. Then again, that could take away from your style. I feel like there's a certain meter you imbued this with, and I'm tone deaf so I can't pin point it.

The parenthesis don't bother me, but they seem unnescessary. Not the text inside but the actual parenthesis themselves if that makes sense. When I see parenthesis I think Byron and inner monologue or narratorial over tone.

Either way I enjoyed this like most of yours. Hope something I said helps and thanks for the read.
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  #34  
Old 05-20-2018, 04:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Okay. I fixed that detail.

Now if Gallo would just print the fucker out I could put up another part of the story.

And he still ain't told me he got ink for his printer.

Everybody wants to be famous. Not everyone wants to do the work, eh?
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  #35  
Old 05-20-2018, 04:39 PM
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[QUOTE=daes13

When I see parenthesis I think Byron and inner monologue or narratorial over tone.

[/QUOTE]


The only Byron I know was my landlord when I lived across the street.
Inner monologue and narratorial overtone is what is happening.
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