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  #1  
Old 06-14-2014, 09:39 PM
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Was thinkin' of oratin' at intersections

Now I see these guys don't need the competition
(the cardboard sign holders)

Now I wanna give them somethin'

So I wanna print some of my previous pieces
(the short stuff- the stuff that gets me to guffaw)
on palm sized pieces of paper
(the cheap stuff- easy wrinkle quality)

Thinkin' nine to a zip lock baggie
oughta be
about right

This will give a guy somethin' to look at
other than his toes
as he squats
in the bush


I know, I know- it's the old
captive audience gag


But look- it ain't hurtin' you none

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  #2  
Old 06-14-2014, 10:40 PM
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My face hurts when I grimace, Nick.

Knock it off.
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  #3  
Old 06-15-2014, 05:13 AM
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Clever title.

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Was thinkin' of oratin' at intersections

Now I see these guys don't need the competition
(the cardboard sign holders)
I don't think the parenthetical phrase is necessary: it feels too much like a belated explanation, but it's not necessary and dilutes the effect of your slow build to the punchline, IMO.

Now I wanna give them something'
I don't like the repetition of "now". Why not replace it with "So" . . .

So I wanna print some of my previous pieces
. . . and lose it here?

(the short stuff- the stuff that gets me to guffaw)
on palm sized pieces of paper
(the cheap stuff- easy wrinkle quality)
You seem to really like parentheses. Would the poem be stronger without them? It feels to me like you don't trust your reader to "get it", though maybe "the cheap stuff- easy wrinkle quality" is a good idea (but perhaps not in parentheses?. ;-)

Thinkin' nine to a zip lock baggie
oughta be
about right
Line division?

This will give a guy somethin' to look at
other than his toes
as he squats
in the bush
Nice.

I know, I know- it's the old
captive audience gag
Old shtick/new wrinkle is always good.
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  #4  
Old 06-16-2014, 04:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Lon Palmer View Post
Clever title.



I don't think the parenthetical phrase is necessary: it feels too much like a belated explanation, but it's not necessary and dilutes the effect of your slow build to the punchline, IMO.



I don't like the repetition of "now". Why not replace it with "So" . . .



. . . and lose it here?



You seem to really like parentheses. Would the poem be stronger without them? It feels to me like you don't trust your reader to "get it", though maybe "the cheap stuff- easy wrinkle quality" is a good idea (but perhaps not in parentheses?. ;-)



Line division?



Nice.



Old shtick/new wrinkle is always good.

Thanks for the complete crit, Lon.
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Old 06-16-2014, 05:28 AM
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You will never see me be very helpful in the way of pointing out bad form or grammar...not that I could recognize it. Having said that I love this piece, it feels like getting bit on lip. And you say, what the hell are you talking about, Anna? And I say, I don't know. It just feels that way and I like it, its calling me out.

There is this guy who stand with a sign outside the post office I drive by everyday. He has a sign that reads, Need Work, God Bless. I had thought to stop and ask him if he is literate. I was going to pay him 10 dollars to read my poems out loud. Just because I want to hear them and I have 10 dollars.
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  #6  
Old 06-16-2014, 06:27 AM
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That's adorable!
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  #7  
Old 06-16-2014, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Annaliese View Post

There is this guy who stand with a sign outside the post office I drive by everyday. He has a sign that reads, Need Work, God Bless. I had thought to stop and ask him if he is literate. I was going to pay him 10 dollars to read my poems out loud. Just because I want to hear them and I have 10 dollars.
Have him read one to you for two bucks before goin' the whole route.
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Old 06-16-2014, 11:25 AM
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I'm a moron. I don't really get it. Something about toilet paper and drugs. And bums at the intersection maybe.

:embarrassed:
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  #9  
Old 06-16-2014, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by ki11j0y View Post
drugs
Please quote the part that infers this.
Perhaps I can help clear up some confusion.
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Old 06-16-2014, 12:00 PM
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It was the bit about the zip lock baggie. I associate that with drugs. It's most likely just me.
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  #11  
Old 06-16-2014, 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by ki11j0y View Post
It was the bit about the zip lock baggie.
Oh yeah. I can see how that could happen.

When one is out in the world a waterproof container becomes useful for cigarettes. That is the intended value of puttin' the poem paper in one.

As for gettin' the entire thrust of the piece ... I ain't understood everything I ever read. Don't figure it would be realistic to expect any different of anyone else.

Lemme say thanks for givin' the gettin' of this ditty a go.
And thanks for commenting about it.
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Last edited by Nick Pierce; 06-16-2014 at 02:18 PM..
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  #12  
Old 06-16-2014, 01:38 PM
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Aint no thing. I liked it. It's kinda boring when something makes sense too easy anyway. Picked up many a cig off the ground. Rainy days really can ruin things. Nothing worse than rolling a cig out of one you picked up off the ground only to find it's damp and unsmokable. It's a sinking feeling.

*edit I might use this whole train of thought to write some beat poetry
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  #13  
Old 05-04-2018, 06:12 PM
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Good ol' Lon.

Hope things are going well for him.
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Old 06-02-2018, 06:33 PM
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Gotta freight train in my colon
weighing me down
greased the rails with a coffee and smoke
massaged with a clockwise stroke
laid in the tub for a long hot soak
nothin'.

Funny how it stops you sleepin'
given me a headache
and I can't think straight
with stagnant weight
clouding my mental state
Jeeeez.

I ran out of muesli
heartily dined from a brown paper bag
lost focus on the situation
planning copious servings of vegetation
to prevent a future exacerbation just don't
help.

so I'm reading your poem
you know...as a lube
what else can I do in the middle of the night?
distended stomach and a sphincter pulled tight
but glad to know that you're allright
Pierce.
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  #15  
Old 06-03-2018, 03:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Gotta freight train in my colon
weighing me down
greased the rails with a coffee and smoke
massaged with a clockwise stroke
laid in the tub for a long hot soak
nothin'.

Funny how it stops you sleepin'
given me a headache
and I can't think straight
with stagnant weight
clouding my mental state
Jeeeez.

I ran out of muesli
heartily dined from a brown paper bag
lost focus on the situation
planning copious servings of vegetation
to prevent a future exacerbation just don't
help.

so I'm reading your poem
you know...as a lube
what else can I do in the middle of the night?
distended stomach and a sphincter pulled tight
but glad to know that you're allright
Pierce.

How interesting to see an area I have worked in being covered by another's talent.

And by a writer I am familiar with makes the experience all the more ... intimate.


And yes, having entered my salad days has made life much less stressfull.
(Bugger off, jagged red underline - I intend stressfull not stressful. Fuggin machines can never get subtle humour. Oh now it wants to warn me off humour in favour of humor. It also jagged favour. *sigh*
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Old 06-03-2018, 12:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Gotta freight train in my colon
weighing me down
greased the rails with a coffee and smoke
massaged with a clockwise stroke
laid in the tub for a long hot soak
nothin'.

Funny how it stops you sleepin'
given me a headache
and I can't think straight
with stagnant weight
clouding my mental state
Jeeeez.

I ran out of muesli
heartily dined from a brown paper bag
lost focus on the situation
planning copious servings of vegetation
to prevent a future exacerbation just don't
help.

so I'm reading your poem
you know...as a lube
what else can I do in the middle of the night?
distended stomach and a sphincter pulled tight
but glad to know that you're allright
Pierce.


Grace Gabriel? Hmm... heard that name somewhere. Now... where was it?

https://youtu.be/PgBoqlJAs6g
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  #17  
Old 06-10-2018, 04:25 PM
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really deep. the man who can't be moved.
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