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New story(Completely different to the one i posted before)

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Old 02-08-2007, 06:53 AM
Stuart1512 (Offline)
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Default New story(Completely different to the one i posted before)


Prologue
Echoes stirred in this silent city, a man stalked its streets. He was dressed in all black and wore a long dark cloak and on his feet were leather boots, he was in his mid twenties, young face, blue eyes and short brown hair.
The city was in the style of a European small town with gothic buildings similar to the ones in Prague,
He walked silently along the streets taking in the scenery and every other detail about the place, he continued walking with his hands in his pocket and took out a tiny bit of paper.
He took out a small bit of paper and studied it.
“not to far now”
The sky started turning a purple-red colour. He heard the flapping of birds wings, he folded the paper and slipped it into his pocket, he hated crows, they just made him nervous whenever they were around him and crows where often signs off a bad omen.
There was a church in front of him with a huge roof that looked like a giant spike, there where several crows around it staring at the dead city. He passed the church and continued to pass along several buildings.
A crow from the church roof flew down in front of the man and stared at him.
“get lost” the man told the creature.
The crow just sat their staring at him with its malevolent eyes, the man picked up a stone that was on the ground and threw it at the bird. The crow flew off and gave an eerie cry that made the mans hairs on the back of his head stand up.
He heard footsteps behind him and stood still, he felt another presence behind him and it was a presence he had felt numerous times before. Heavy breathing came from behind him and the sound of a necklace or a pendant flinging around the other persons neck.
The man turned around and saw a woman staring back, she was dressed in a red hooded cloak and carried a small dagger in her left hand, she brushed the hood from her head to reveal her face. It was a young face like the man she was facing, she had shoulder length black hair and green eyes.
The woman slashed the dagger that she held at the man but he quickly dodged it and took her by her arm squeezing it tighter hoping she would drop the weapon.
The dagger dropped to the floor making a clanking sound then dying, he twisted her arm around her back which resulted in her screaming out in pain, the man kicked the back of her leg making her fall to the floor on her knees.
“who are you?” the man asked
“My name is Crow, and I am hired assassin sent to kill you” replied the woman
“Who hired you?”
“That I can’t say, I was supposed to kill you and get a great reward for it, but I can’t see that happening now can I?”
“Do you know anything about something under this city? If you help me I will let you go”
The man got the paper out of his pocket and showed it to crow using the free hand he had putting the paper in front of her while keeping his foot on the back of her leg and his right hand on her right hand.
“I know where it is” Crow replied
“Good, where going to go there” the man instructed her.
The man let Crow get up but he kept his hand on her arm in case she tried to escape, Crow led him around the corner where up ahead the man could see the city on fire, but It was miles away so he wasn’t that worried.
“Do you know how that started?” the man asked
“His soldiers burned down the neighbouring town and killed everyone, they did the same to this town the only exception is they didn’t burn it down” Crow replied.
“I’m going to let you go, but you promise you have to help me…got it?” the man asked
“Sure, what is your name?”
“Kai” the man replied
Three soldiers came from the left where Kai had come from and three other soldiers had come from the right where Crow had come from.
They where dressed in black suits carrying huge guns and wearing big heavy helmets.
“Stop right there” one of them commanded.
Both Kai and Crow stopped just as the solider said he then fired a warning shot to make sure.
Two of them from the left came and handcuffed Kai while two from the right did the same to Crow, both of them had put bags over there heads so they wouldn’t see where the soldiers where taking them.
Kai heard the sound of a creaky hinge after a few minutes of either walking or driving to the place or a little of both.
“get in there” a voice told him.
A soldier came and un cuffed Kai and removed the bag from his head then tapped his shoulder and pointed to a little bench.
Kai sat down then the soldier went away, he spent a few hours staring at the wall or looking at the corridor in front of him until he heard footsteps and chains rattling.
A man approached his cell, he was dressed in a fur coat and gloves with dark grey pants and boots, he looked a little older than Kai but only a few years: he had short white hair and green eyes.
“Hello” the man said
“Hey” Kai replied back
“you do know why you are in here don’t you?” the man asked
“No, but I was on a mission from an organization called O.R.B.I.T” Kai told the man
“O.R.B.I.T huh? I’ve had trouble with them before, just so you know thanks to you this place will have to be destroyed and anything in It”
Kai looked shocked at what the man had just told him.
“Wait, so how are you going to destroy everything? And what happened to Crow” Kai asked
“I killed her and we are going to bomb it, which reminds me I only have twenty minutes to make my leave”
The man turned and a dark blue light appeared in front of him followed by a sound that was similar to a power generator. The man turned his head to look at the other man in the cell and smiled then stepped through the portal he had made himself.
The man was gone in a flashing white light leaving Kai alone in his cell until the whatever the hell is it destroyed everything.
Kai looked out the window and saw Helicopters for soldiers coming and going, by his guess he would probably have only ten minutes left to live.
He felt the ground shake and heard things rattle around in other rooms, this felt just like an earthquake except something big was going to happen.
Kai looked at the window in his cell and saw a bright white light coming in the distance the light seemed to get further and further until it reached him.
He felt the entire floor move up and something coming from underneath, he fell to the floor and closed his eyes.
The airships in the distance saw everything happen on the island just before it exploded, a man in a grey uniform watched it from a distance with two other people one was female and carried a note pad to jot down the even that had happened, the other was a male and he carried with him a spyglass watching the explosion.
“Sir, its all gone” the man with the spyglass said
“prepare to land and see if we can find anything”
“Yes sir” the other man said and walked away.
After the light vanished a purple haze was all that was left along with some rubble of ruined houses.

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Old 02-08-2007, 07:16 AM
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josiehenley (Offline)
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I’m not enthralled by this. It sounds like an interesting plot but quite clichéd and there is not much description to make it intriguing. It reads like a child’s story, and then and then and then. You need to linger on people and events rather than simply saying what happened. There are some repetitions, and some areas where you’ve got the sort of spelling errors that won’t be picked up by a spell checker (e.g. off – of; we’re – where) this puts the reader off. I think it needs a lot of work.
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