WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Now

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 07-08-2014, 10:07 PM
Franklin's Avatar
Franklin (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Valley of the Daughter of the Stars
Posts: 1,164
Thanks: 797
Thanks 314
Default Now


I see low clouds over mountain ridges
and think what a wonderful gift just
for me at just this time. I watch leaves
move in the wind and feel the air stream
through my world. Golden finches flit
and sit on my feeding troughs of thistle
seeds as I become the audience of wonder.
I see the blue ridge through miles
of air between me on my deck

and those imposing bulks unaware
of their immense presence.
I see chipmunks skitter inches at a time
while I stay still, holding the moment.
Life is always in the instant.

__________________
apagewriter.blogspot.com

Last edited by Franklin; 07-09-2014 at 08:20 AM.. Reason: Line breaks
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-08-2014, 11:27 PM
rockman (Offline)
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: north of south, or vice versa
Posts: 438
Thanks: 36
Thanks 87
Default

i love that gift, the view, the ridges, the air, blasting at times but fickle at other times, the low clouds on a horizon. in the instant.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to rockman For This Useful Post:
Franklin (07-09-2014)
  #3  
Old 07-09-2014, 08:17 AM
Franklin's Avatar
Franklin (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Valley of the Daughter of the Stars
Posts: 1,164
Thanks: 797
Thanks 314
Default

Gracias, rockman. I had (and still have) in my mind that any person at any particular moment can capture the details of enjoyment of that instant. To me, life is made up of millions of moments, all different and stored to be relived at any time. Glad you liked this one.
Paco
__________________
apagewriter.blogspot.com
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-09-2014, 11:31 AM
JoeMatt (Offline)
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 6,392
Thanks: 441
Thanks 1,526
Default

Pretty nice, Franklin. I tend to be a bit cynical about "beauty of nature" poems because the are so often the fodder for bad poetry -- but this works because of it's simple language and lack of pretension. It puts me there -- or to a place like it I've been to many times before.

Good work.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to JoeMatt For This Useful Post:
Franklin (07-09-2014)
  #5  
Old 07-09-2014, 11:59 AM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
Writing Mentor
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 2,220
Thanks: 146
Thanks 441
Send a message via Yahoo to Lon Palmer Send a message via Skype™ to Lon Palmer
Default

After the first two lines, I felt like breaking into "What a Wonderful World."
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-09-2014, 12:11 PM
Franklin's Avatar
Franklin (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Valley of the Daughter of the Stars
Posts: 1,164
Thanks: 797
Thanks 314
Default

Originally Posted by Lon Palmer View Post
After the first two lines, I felt like breaking into "What a Wonderful World."
I hope you have a tolerable voice. I take it that you found nothing positive. Good.
__________________
apagewriter.blogspot.com
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-09-2014, 12:19 PM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
Writing Mentor
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 2,220
Thanks: 146
Thanks 441
Send a message via Yahoo to Lon Palmer Send a message via Skype™ to Lon Palmer
Default

It was pleasant enough.

Actually, I kind of heard Louid Armstrong, and it's because the first two lines are highly reminiscent of the lyric.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-09-2014, 01:03 PM
Franklin's Avatar
Franklin (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Valley of the Daughter of the Stars
Posts: 1,164
Thanks: 797
Thanks 314
Default

Originally Posted by Lon Palmer View Post
It was pleasant enough.

Actually, I kind of heard Louid Armstrong, and it's because the first two lines are highly reminiscent of the lyric.
Louid Armstrong sang "What a Wonderful World" ?? I'm a Jazz fan, but I missed that one. Glad it was not unpleasant. Any suggestions for improvement, or should I just shit-can it? Always open to help from real poets.
__________________
apagewriter.blogspot.com
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-09-2014, 01:11 PM
JoeMatt (Offline)
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 6,392
Thanks: 441
Thanks 1,526
Default

It's a great song -- but it's certainly not jazz. It's a pop song.

There's actually something very simple and honest about it. Just last Saturday, I was at a friend's wedding, and they played that song for their first dance. Probably wasn't a dry eye in the house -- and that includes me.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-09-2014, 01:17 PM
Franklin's Avatar
Franklin (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Valley of the Daughter of the Stars
Posts: 1,164
Thanks: 797
Thanks 314
Default

Originally Posted by JoeMatt View Post
It's a great song -- but it's certainly not jazz. It's a pop song.

There's actually something very simple and honest about it. Just last Saturday, I was at a friend's wedding, and they played that song for their first dance. Probably wasn't a dry eye in the house -- and that includes me.
Was it a Louid Armstrong, recording?
__________________
apagewriter.blogspot.com
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 07-09-2014, 01:23 PM
JoeMatt (Offline)
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 6,392
Thanks: 441
Thanks 1,526
Default

Shit, Franklin -- are you harping on a typo? You can do better than that.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-09-2014, 01:36 PM
Franklin's Avatar
Franklin (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Valley of the Daughter of the Stars
Posts: 1,164
Thanks: 797
Thanks 314
Default

I apologize. Was it a Louis Armstrong recording?
__________________
apagewriter.blogspot.com
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-09-2014, 01:42 PM
Franklin's Avatar
Franklin (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Valley of the Daughter of the Stars
Posts: 1,164
Thanks: 797
Thanks 314
Default

You're right. Louis Armstrong had a wonderful, gravely voice that actually blended with those of many other great artists. Maybe strange, but whatever the tune, I never think of Louis as anything except a Jazz singer. What a wonderful world he created.
__________________
apagewriter.blogspot.com
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Franklin For This Useful Post:
JoeMatt (07-09-2014)
  #14  
Old 07-09-2014, 01:48 PM
JoeMatt (Offline)
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 6,392
Thanks: 441
Thanks 1,526
Default

Originally Posted by Franklin View Post
I apologize. Was it a Louis Armstrong recording?
Yes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3yCcXgbKrE
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-09-2014, 02:13 PM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
Writing Mentor
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 2,220
Thanks: 146
Thanks 441
Send a message via Yahoo to Lon Palmer Send a message via Skype™ to Lon Palmer
Default

Originally Posted by Franklin View Post
Louid Armstrong sang "What a Wonderful World" ?? I'm a Jazz fan, but I missed that one. Glad it was not unpleasant. Any suggestions for improvement, or should I just shit-can it? Always open to help from real poets.
I've heard it in a number of movies. I think he was more of a trumpeter than a singer.

Who says I'm a "real poet"?

There's nothing wrong with it. Keep writing. Maybe think more about literary and poetic devices, especially metaphor, rhythm, assonance and consonance.

I see low clouds over mountain ridges. Nice word rhythms
and think what a wonderful gift just
for me at just this time. I watch leaves Ineffective repetition
move in the wind and feel the air stream
through my world. Golden finches flit Enjambment feeling a tad random
and sit on my feeding troughs of thistle Nice rhyme and the assonance (thistle)
seeds as I become the audience of wonder. Awkward expression
I see the blue ridge through miles I like "miles of air"
of air between me on my deck
and those imposing bulks unaware
of their immense presence. Nice near-rhyme
I see chipmunks skitter inches at a time. Nice assonance (chipmunks skitter inches)
while I stay still, holding the moment. Good summing up
Life is always in the instant.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Lon Palmer For This Useful Post:
Franklin (07-09-2014), JoeMatt (07-09-2014)
  #16  
Old 07-09-2014, 05:40 PM
JustcallmeEd (Offline)
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Humboldt Co., California
Posts: 4,796
Thanks: 370
Thanks 697
Default

It's pretty good, you grouchy old fucker.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-09-2014, 05:47 PM
JoeMatt (Offline)
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 6,392
Thanks: 441
Thanks 1,526
Default

Originally Posted by Lon Palmer View Post
Keep writing.
Can I give you a tip? You might mean well, but there's practically nothing more condescending than telling someone to "keep writing."

I mean, DUH -- you're assuming that someone isn't going to keep working and trying to improve -- and they need to hear this from YOU?

Please.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-09-2014, 05:56 PM
JustcallmeEd (Offline)
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Humboldt Co., California
Posts: 4,796
Thanks: 370
Thanks 697
Default

Let it go, Joe. Let it go.

You didn't use a smilie emoticon and now they're going to ban you.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-09-2014, 06:49 PM
Franklin's Avatar
Franklin (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Valley of the Daughter of the Stars
Posts: 1,164
Thanks: 797
Thanks 314
Default

Ed, put out that stogie and go back to sleep. And stop posting 'fucker.' Bagit might do a body slam on yo' ass.
__________________
apagewriter.blogspot.com
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 07-09-2014, 06:57 PM
JustcallmeEd (Offline)
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Humboldt Co., California
Posts: 4,796
Thanks: 370
Thanks 697
Default

Originally Posted by Franklin View Post
Ed, put out that stogie and go back to sleep. And stop posting 'fucker.' Bagit might do a body slam on yo' ass.
I ain't been sleeping. I've been quietly puffing away here in the corner, debating whether I want to stick around a place that edits, deletes and censors at every turn.

"Under-age eyes may be reading this" indeed.
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old 07-09-2014, 07:03 PM
Franklin's Avatar
Franklin (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Valley of the Daughter of the Stars
Posts: 1,164
Thanks: 797
Thanks 314
Default

I'm only responding to you to keep my wonderful poem on top. You're a bad influence on us youngsters.
__________________
apagewriter.blogspot.com
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 07-09-2014, 11:31 PM
Whiskers's Avatar
Whiskers (Offline)
Picturing the Scene
Moderator
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Somewhere hardcore
Posts: 2,009
Thanks: 858
Thanks 498
Default

You've got such a craftful way with using concrete images that draw the reader in. The moment is caught well with how they build up and interact with the narrator, all to give a sense of contentment and awe with the surroundings.

In other words: liked it very much.
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

(Website warning: No under 18s (21 in some areas).
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 07-10-2014, 12:45 AM
Franklin's Avatar
Franklin (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Valley of the Daughter of the Stars
Posts: 1,164
Thanks: 797
Thanks 314
Default

Originally Posted by Whiskers View Post
You've got such a craftful way with using concrete images that draw the reader in. The moment is caught well with how they build up and interact with the narrator, all to give a sense of contentment and awe with the surroundings.

In other words: liked it very much.
Wow. Caught me off guard, Whiskers. I am complimented greatly. You're not kidding, right? Thanks for your critique.
__________________
apagewriter.blogspot.com
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 07-10-2014, 12:48 AM
JustcallmeEd (Offline)
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Humboldt Co., California
Posts: 4,796
Thanks: 370
Thanks 697
Default

I like how Whiskers keeps popping in with stock, off the shelf critiques as if to say, "Not much to say here but watch what you say."

Patronizing and a little Big-Brotherish.

What was that other site? Google something?
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 07-10-2014, 12:52 AM
rockman (Offline)
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: north of south, or vice versa
Posts: 438
Thanks: 36
Thanks 87
Default

hey now! ... it's better than the snoot gauntlet . . .
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 07-10-2014, 01:15 AM
Franklin's Avatar
Franklin (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Valley of the Daughter of the Stars
Posts: 1,164
Thanks: 797
Thanks 314
Default

Originally Posted by rockman View Post
hey now! ... it's better than the snoot gauntlet . . .
There's a snoot gauntlet? I have a long snout, but not sure if I have a snoot. Oh, you mean the snoots in the gauntlet. Well, they can only lash you with their snoots.
__________________
apagewriter.blogspot.com
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 07-10-2014, 01:25 AM
rockman (Offline)
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: north of south, or vice versa
Posts: 438
Thanks: 36
Thanks 87
Default

you nailed it in the other thread-- prodders and purveyors of poetspeak. the ones who, after they're through with your piece, it lies dissected and cut to pieces like some poor frog in 8th-grade biology ...

not that there's anything wrong with that, of course ...
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to rockman For This Useful Post:
Franklin (07-10-2014)
  #28  
Old 07-10-2014, 03:07 AM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
Writing Mentor
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 2,220
Thanks: 146
Thanks 441
Send a message via Yahoo to Lon Palmer Send a message via Skype™ to Lon Palmer
Default

Originally Posted by JoeMatt View Post
Can I give you a tip? You might mean well, but there's practically nothing more condescending than telling someone to "keep writing."
As condescending as "Can I give you a tip?"


"DUH" - in caps, no less - strikes a whole other note.

I mean, DUH -- you're assuming that someone isn't going to keep working and trying to improve -- and they need to hear this from YOU?

Please.
I took my cue from this:

Any suggestions for improvement, or should I just shit-can it? Always open to help from real poets.
I'm lots of things, but condescending?

I'm more direct than that.

Last edited by Lon Palmer; 07-10-2014 at 05:23 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 07-10-2014, 10:22 AM
JustcallmeEd (Offline)
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Humboldt Co., California
Posts: 4,796
Thanks: 370
Thanks 697
Default

Shh! I sense contentiousness. The Mods are watching!

Everyone be f**king nice.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 07-10-2014, 10:38 AM
Franklin's Avatar
Franklin (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Valley of the Daughter of the Stars
Posts: 1,164
Thanks: 797
Thanks 314
Default

I think it's okay to say forking, Ed. I wish you'd quit baiting the mod squad; I think Mohican could likely beat the shite out both of us. I wouldn't worry except I'm not sure I could outrun you. Any more thoughts about my genius poetic abilities? Where's Joe Matt? Did Mohican shoot him? Maybe RedTruck ran over him. Serves the snotty b*stard right. Like you, he should have seen it coming. Take that target off your back.
__________________
apagewriter.blogspot.com
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 07:36 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.