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The Immortal

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Old 11-09-2006, 03:13 PM
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Okay i moved this story here because i intend to continue it so i would like to ask the admin to please erase the other one I would appreciate it (it is in free writting.)

Leon had a hard time breathing. The fetter on his leg hung loosely, reminding him of his predicament. He pulled his legs to his chest and cowered in the refuge of “his” corner. The incisive amount of hits he had received from his oppressor had mad his skin swollen and the bruises purple. Now, where a young rosy colored face was a disfigured pale face stood in its place. He could not remember how long he had been in this hell hole. The stale bread and the murky water made his empty stomach churn. He had given up on audible lament long ago since it never bore any fruit.
The door creaked as a tall man walked in with an eagle’s talon on his right hand. The tip of it was dark scarlet from the blood it had drawn. Leon was already imagining the writhing pain he was about to feel. Even with that imminent pain he was about to feel his eyes were filled with scorn.

“My pet, you know I hate those loathsome eyes of yours.” The man smiled as the words escaped his snake-like lips.

Leon did not want to give him the benefit of speech. Once he had grown infamous by his sarcastic remarks in his home country. He had hated his father who had sent him on a worthless pilgrimage that had gotten him where he was now. However, now after so long, he knew that did not matter. Only the present mattered now. The man bent down and pulled Leon’s arm skin for it to be taut.

“Now let’s purge this mortal body of yours.” The man thrust the talon into Leon’s skin. He produced a vile from his pocket and collected Leon’s dripping blood into it.
“One day I will gorge on your entrails!” Leon’s voice resonated inside the room.
“But until then I’ll take your blood to achieve our goal.” The man laughed once again.
Leon got up as the man left the room.
“I will, when I get out of here.” Leon said as the man locked the door behind him.

The sun and the moon both passed trough the bars of Leon's cell. He dared not look at it because he always long for that, and longing alone would not free him. He sat all day staring at the wall blankly while his mind conjured any possible way to escape. He then thought he had reached the end of the line, but his will would not let the words he had told the snake man go to waste and be forgotten. No matter what he had to get out of there and he had to do it fast because his life was slipping in his fingers. He had pains everyday and the incisive amount of hits he received only complicated his condition. He waited again for the maker of his nightmares to come inside the room bearing that fearful talon and the pain that followed soon after. Not long had he thought of this that the door swung open and the man was again standing with that eagle's talon in his cold hands.

"Oh it seems you were waiting for me, my pet." The man said and moved next to
Leon. His smile was crooked and seemed malicious. The man again inserted the talon into Leon
's exposed skin and blood began to drip down as the man caught it into the vile.

"What's your name?"
Leon
said slowly.
"My name?"
"Yes, what do they call you?"
"Why would it matter?"
"So I'll now the name of the man I will bury once i get out of here the man's whose grave I will defile and mock." The man laughed out loud.
"You have quite a mouth on you but from saying to doing is a giant leap but for amusing you ill tell you my name is Vize Gram." Vize got up and looked back at Leon who was in deep thought. He then stepped out with a wide smile on his face.

Leon had hit it and he could not believe he had not thought of it before. He could get out if he risked everything and hoped for the best. Maybe it was his fear that did not allow him to see his escape. However, now he knew some time soon he would be standing on top of Vize's rave as victor. And he would also get back not only what he has lost but also find out why the want his blood...


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Old 11-09-2006, 03:24 PM
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second entry

The soft light of the sun came trough the bars of Leon’s cell. He had used the little water they gave him to clean his face and had eaten the stale pieces of bread he had stored to that point. Four days had passed since he had asked Vice his name. He had prepared his mind for the attack and had rested his body. The bread had been reduced to crumbs because Leon had placed them inside his ragged clothes where he knew Vice liked hit him. The bread had cushioned the blows and his body had become more rested. He would not have put this plan into motion. Prior to being kept in a cell he had been kept underground and tied all the time by the hands and arms and was hit every day. He was given food in the mouth and even then just barely enough to stay alive.
Now, Leon thought he was ready he was at the end of the line and his strength was deserting him little by little. His hands had been shackled together but he had some mobility left. He had moved his hands over and over to gain some more space in his hands. However the fetter on his leg kept him from going out of his room.
He was not waiting for long until Vice was heard outside the cell. He opened the door and greeted Leon with a smile in his face. He moved in on Leon and knelt down and pulled out the talon. The talon was just as big as Leon had calculated. He had not been able to use both eyes to see, but now that he had cleaned his face and had rested more than usual his vision had been cleared. Vice stretched his hand and Leon saw his opening. Leon pushed the talon, using his hand as a make shift hammer, into Vice’s stomach with all his strength and the talon pierced the stomach easily.
Leon scrambled to get the talon before Vice could get his wind and thanks to the space he had added to the tying on his hands he grabbed the talon and plunged it into the side of Vice’s temple. Vice moved no more, his overconfidence had left him open and Leon had noticed that when he had told him his name he had placed the talon to his temple not even worrying about what Leon could do. Leon knew that was just step one of his plan to get out. Now the door was open and he could walk out but he was still tied by the leg to the wall. He was stuck if he could not get out in time before the next guard and all his work would have been for nothing not to mention he would be dead.
He knew just what to do and if what he thought was there was not he was in big trouble. Leon had caught a glimpse of a gun at Vice’s side. He was kind of glad he did not give Vice time to talk. He pulled the body close to him and inspected the body. The gun was not there. Leon looked and looked but no gun. Leon was sensing his life start to leave him already.
Then he found his last hope, in his oppressor’s clothes. It was a metal bar, thick and made of stainless steel. He grabbed it and hit the chain of the fetter with all his strength but it did not give. He did not expect it too either. He was ready to hammer away but he noticed that the link close to the fetter was very brittle and small. He hit the link and it resonated his leg but did not give in. He hit it again and again until finally the small link gave in and he was free. Now started the last phase of the plan and this was the hardest of them all, now he had to escape without being killed. Now he had to survive in what he had failed to do once before in his other attempt to escape. This time he knew he had to escape if not his life was at an end…
Now that Leon's greatest ordeal was at hand he felt his strength waver. His hands were still tied together and the fetter was still on his ankle but he could now get out of the room. Leon got up and slowly walked toward the open door his strength was slowly coming and going. The warm wind and candid sunrays were a welcome thing to Leon. Maybe its the sense of freedom that makes everything seem so good.

"I can't let this things get to me i have to focus and get out of here. That’s the first thing I have to do."
Leon
sighed and continued to walk toward the exit.

Outside his cell he was met in a somber sigh. The walls looked old and the overall feel that he got from his cell had not changed. This reminded him that he was still trapped inside this tower.

"This would be sort of romantic if i was a damsel and was waiting for someone t save me." He smiled weakly at his own joke. Knowing full well that no one was looking for him. He knew he had been "killed" in the sense of the word not only by his father but by his whole family."

"Only she would...No, I can't think of that...not now."
Leon
continued to walk toward the stairs leading down the tower. When he reached the top of the stairs and saw the winding stairs go down they seemed to reach hell. His strength left him completely and his legs gave way as he fell to his knees. He used the wall to regain his ground.

"If i continue like this I will not last very long."
Leon
started down the stairs and tried to solidify his resolve to get out of his predicament alive. He would keep his promise to Vice and dance on his grave. A grave that would have no corpse.

When
Leon
reached the bottom of the stairs his body was worn out and he knew he could not continue at least not for today. The room he entered had hay everywhere. Telling him he was close to the bottom of the building. As much as he wanted to leave he knew he had to rest if he was to pass the next part of his ordeal because up until right now he had met no guards but that sounded to good to be true. On top of a table he found hard cheese and he quickly gobbled it up. He headed for a pile of hay and hid himself inside it hoping no one would find him. Rest took over him quickly.


"
Leon you have to get out of here." The young lady whispered to Leon's ear. They were standing on a balcony looking over a bright town. Leon face was full and heavy set. His eyes full of determination. The young lady was beautiful and well dressed. She leaned on Leon
's shoulder.

"I don't want anything to happen to you."
"I know." She kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then she went inside the room.
"I'm not sure I can stay out of trouble. Sorry..."


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Old 11-09-2006, 07:02 PM
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Sorry I didn't comment on this earlier - I've been slower than usual with a back injury this past week. But I've got a critique for you. Remember, all my comments are merely my opinion, so don't take them seriously if you don't agree.

Comments in text and in between quotes
Leon had a hard time breathing. The fetter on his leg hung loosely, reminding him of his predicament. He pulled his legs to his chest and cowered in the refuge of “his” corner. The incisive amount of hits he had received from his oppressor had mad his skin swollen and the bruises purple.


Good opening paragraph. Introducing us to a beat-up Leon, makes the reader wonder what happened to him. Good suspense here...

Now, where a young rosy colored face was a disfigured pale face stood in its place.

Clunky sentence. 'Stood in it's place' doesn't fit here. Suggest:
His once rosy, young face was now disfigured and pale.

He could not remember how long he had been in this hell hole. The stale bread and the murky water made his empty stomach churn. He had given up on audible lament long ago since it never bore any fruit.
The door creaked as a tall man walked in with an eagle’s talon on his right hand. The tip of it was dark scarlet from the blood it had drawn. Leon was already imagining the writhing pain he was about to feel. Even with that imminent pain he was about to feel his eyes were filled with scorn.


Interesting. You're making me ask questions - which is a good thing - makes me read on, wanting answers. Fascinated with the man and wondering what he's about to do with the eagle claw...

“My pet, you know I hate those loathsome eyes of yours.” The man smiled as the words escaped his snake-like lips.

Leon did not want to give him the benefit of speech. Once he had grown infamous by his sarcastic remarks in his home country. He had hated his father who had sent him on a worthless pilgrimage that had gotten him where he was now. However, now after so long, he knew that did not matter. Only the present mattered now. The man bent down and pulled Leon’s arm skin for it to be taut.


Excellent tension and description/backstory. Could use a little more setting detail, though.



.....snipped text.....

The sun and the moon both passed trough [through] the bars of Leon's cell. He dared not look at it because he always long for that, and longing alone would not free him.
[excellent line!]

He sat all day staring at the wall blankly while his mind conjured any possible way to escape. He then thought he had reached the end of the line, but his will would not let the words he had told the snake man go to waste and be forgotten. No matter what he had to get out of there and he had to do it fast because his life was slipping in [from] his fingers. He had pains everyday and the incisive amount of hits he received only complicated his condition. He waited again for the maker of his nightmares to come inside the room bearing that fearful talon and the pain that followed soon after. Not long had he thought of this that the door swung open and the man was again standing with that eagle's talon in his cold hands.

"Oh it seems you were waiting for me, my pet." The man said and moved next to
Leon. His smile was crooked and seemed malicious. The man again inserted the talon into Leon
's exposed skin and blood began to drip down as the man caught it into the vile.

"What's your name?"
Leon
said slowly.
"My name?"
"Yes, what do they call you?"
"Why would it matter?"
"So I'll now the name of the man I will bury once i get out of here the man's whose grave I will defile and mock." [Leon said] The man laughed out loud.
"You have quite a mouth on you but from saying to doing is a giant leap but for amusing you ill tell you my name is Vize Gram." Vize got up and looked back at Leon who was in deep thought. He then stepped out with a wide smile on his face.
[Some dialogue tags needed in a couple of places - confusion as to who was speaking]
Leon had hit it and he could not believe he had not thought of it before. He could get out if he risked everything and hoped for the best. Maybe it was his fear that did not allow him to see his escape. However, now he knew some time soon he would be standing on top of Vize's rave [grave?] as victor. And he would also get back not only what he has lost but also find out why the want [they wanted] his blood...


Great description but some setting detail needed (the feel of the cell, etc.). Liked the way you're building the scene, though the repeated entry of the man with the eagle claw and calling Leon 'pet' was sort of, well, repetitive. There are easier ways to draw blood, I suppose, but you've worked enough mystery into it to make me wonder why the man is gathering Leon's blood in such an unorthodox manner. Good story, nice suspense.

Thanks for the read - nicely done!

Jillian
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Old 11-10-2006, 09:10 AM
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Azaelkin, if you put the proper line spacing between paragraphs, I'll critique your story. As it stands now, however, I won't until it's corrected.
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Old 11-25-2006, 12:58 PM
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Last edited by Cordatus; 11-25-2006 at 01:00 PM..
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Old 11-25-2006, 03:53 PM
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He pulled his legs to his chest and cowered in the refuge of “his” corner.
(I’d just say his corner, no need to remind us that it really isn’t.)
The 1.incisive amount of hits he had received from his oppressor had 2.mad(e) his skin swollen and the 3. bruises purple.
1. Sharp amount? Not sure I understand what that mans. Maybe it’s just me. Do you mean incessant as in repetitive?
3. How about just made his skin swollen with purple bruises? Right now it sounds as if bruises he had before are turning purple.

4. Now, where a young rosy colored face was 4.(,) a disfigured pale face stood 5. in its place.
4. Mmmm… I don’t think anything is wrong but its odd… read it out loud. Maybe you need a comma or something between ‘was’ and ‘a’. Yes… I think that’s the problem.
5. Ok, if you use the comma you’ll need to leave out that part.

Leon was already imagining the writhing 6. pain he was about to feel. Even with that imminent 6. pain he was about to feel his eyes were filled with scorn.
6. Try, ‘even with that in mind’ for the second part of something of the like. Repeats make people flinch. Don’t worry that happens all the time to me if I don’t check really carefully.

The man bent down and pulled Leon’s arm skin7. for it to be taut.
7. I have no idea what you mean. To check for tautness or to make it taut?

The man thrust the talon into Leon’s skin.
8. We need something from Leon. A scream? If he isn’t a screamer let him wince or grit his teeth. Something.

The sun and the moon both passed 9. t(h)rough the bars of Leon's cell.

He dared not look at it because he always 10. long(ed?) for 11. that, and longing alone would not free him.
11. What is that? Freedom? A chicken dinner? A Hummer?

No matter what he had to get out of there and he had to do it fast because his life was slipping 12. in his fingers.
12. Through his fingers perhaps?

He had pains everyday and the 13. incisive amount of hits he received only complicated his condition.
13. Again, do you mean incessant?

Not long 14. (after) 15. had he thought of this 16. that the door swung open and the man was again standing with that eagle's talon in his cold hands.
14. It sounds a bit strange without.
15. Switch had and he.

16. Take away ‘that’ or add ‘It was’ to the beginning of the sentence.
17. The man again inserted the talon into Leon's exposed skin and blood began to drip down as the man caught it into the vile.
17. Ooooowwww! Come on that’s got to hurt.

"So I'll 18. (k)now the name of the man I will bury once 19. i get out of here 20. (.) 21. the 22.man's whose grave I will defile and mock." The man laughed out loud.
19. Capitalize.
20. Period.
21. Capitalize
22. Unneeded


23. "You have quite a mouth on you but from saying to doing is a giant leap but for amusing you ill tell you my name is Vize Gram."
23. I ate that entire sentence. “You have quite a mouth on you. It’s a giant leap from saying to doing something. I’ll amuse you. My name is Vize Gram.”

Leon had 24. hit it and he could not believe he had not thought of it before.
24. Hit it… perhaps Leon understood?


However, now he knew some time soon he would be standing on top of Vize's 25. (g)rave as victor.

And he would also get back not only what he has lost 26.(,) but 27. also find out why 28. the(y) 29.want his blood...
27. You said also already, it’s like saying and then then
29. Not sure about this one. Would it me wanted? I’m not good at staying in tenses myself.

Ok, overall this wasn’t bad. I’d work on the dialogue and maybe touch on Leon’s personality some more. The story line may be good, it seems like it will but it needs some work in the interest section. I’d suggest more emotions for your characters.
Tell me about their expressions. Does Leon ever get red in the face from anger? Does Vize ever smile sweetly at Leon. Do either of them have a smell? I’m sure Leon does.
Explain what this room Leon’s in looks like. What does Vize look like beside’s tall? Does he have a big ‘ol mole on his nose?

Keep going! Good luck to ya.
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