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The Second Body - Crime short - PG

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  #1  
Old 04-01-2013, 06:14 PM
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Default Thanks for the help!


I deleted this sample because I'm reworking it right now, based on feedback received on this site and two others. Thanx for all the help!

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Last edited by northernadams; 04-07-2013 at 08:23 PM..
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Old 04-01-2013, 06:56 PM
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Very funny to name the lead detective Dick.

You must a be a big L&O fan, huh? You and Dick Wolf would have a great time talking to each other about this story being an intro to one of his episodes.

That's not an insult though. You have a really good way of building character. After reading, I felt like I knew both of my characters a little bit. Not a lot, but enough where I'm comfortable reading more of their exploits.

Just a tidbit of nerd-ness, but I'm pretty sure ViCAP is just a behind the scenes unit that takes in info in order to track down bad guys. I don't find it believable they'd have an agent out working a case. I'd change his title to Agent Dick of FBI. That'd be more believable. Just sayin' as a fellow crime show/book fan.

Good work and welcome to the Beat!

Cheers,
The Rabbit.
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Old 04-01-2013, 06:57 PM
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Also, forgot to mention this:

Write a sequel. I'd read it.
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Old 04-01-2013, 07:23 PM
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Originally Posted by RabbitInTheSuit View Post
Very funny to name the lead detective Dick.

You must a be a big L&O fan, huh? You and Dick Wolf would have a great time talking to each other about this story being an intro to one of his episodes.

That's not an insult though. You have a really good way of building character. After reading, I felt like I knew both of my characters a little bit. Not a lot, but enough where I'm comfortable reading more of their exploits.

Just a tidbit of nerd-ness, but I'm pretty sure ViCAP is just a behind the scenes unit that takes in info in order to track down bad guys. I don't find it believable they'd have an agent out working a case. I'd change his title to Agent Dick of FBI. That'd be more believable. Just sayin' as a fellow crime show/book fan.

Good work and welcome to the Beat!

Cheers,
The Rabbit.
Thank you very much! Just one thought--when I post the rest of it, let me know if you'd still make the above suggestions. That might change just a bit, because this story doesn't end up the way it appears to start out.

I'm hoping for one of those stories where the reader's driving along and doesn't realize the road's out until he's airborne over a gaping crevasse. I'll try to post it tomorrow. The title does have very much to do with the plot. Let me know when I post it whether you think I'm off the mark.
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Old 04-01-2013, 07:34 PM
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Well, my years of L%O have built me up for this.

I really hope I'm not being a dick but
SPOILER
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Old 04-01-2013, 07:41 PM
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Sorry, Rabbit, you'll have to read through to the end. Perhaps we can start a pool--guess the identity of the killer, as well as the baby's weight and sex. Winner gets a free cyber donut.
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Old 04-02-2013, 10:34 AM
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I thought this story had a very good start. Just one criticism. I liked the interplay between the two main characters, but I felt it went on too long. By the end it was beginning to detract from the main story.

I enjoy reading and writing crime stories, so I'd be glad to read more when you are ready.

Bic
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Old 04-07-2013, 01:11 PM
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I really enjoyed reading the first play. I thought the interplay was really good, as well as the dialogue. I can actually imagine such dialogue being exchanged. It doesn't come across as fake or in extreme cases as it appears, lame. Really good dialogue.

I can understand why you didn't reveal the details of the murder case entirely, since once it's revealed, it's there. It's smart to set it up, but then you also need to know when to reveal it.

I don't have any qualms with this particular part of the story. Now I proceed to the second part. Good job!
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