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A Dream In Search Of Wings

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  #1  
Old 08-02-2014, 09:56 PM
JoshuaCan (Offline)
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Default A Dream In Search Of Wings


A Dream In Search of Wings

Sitting on the pavement,
A cloudy, murky sky,
On steps that lead to nowhere,
Just watching passerby,

A dream is always growing,
A dream is always brave,
A dream is always showing,
No weight can make it cave,

Regret can weigh it down,
And sorrow make it soggy,
Might run it out of town,
And make our Dream quite foggy,

A dream in search of wings,
A dream of many things,
But dream will never blossom,
Unless love is what it brings,

Stepping off the porch now,
And walking cross the street,
Dream walks into the Wing Shop,
And ties them to its feet,

The cheapest dream could get,
But something still to say,
Now dream has found ignition,
To push it on its way,

Dream will keep on trying,
As Dream can never die,
A dream is never crying,
And never asking "Why?",

And now that dream is running,
With pavement-pounding feet,
Dream knows that it is stunning,
Taking liftoff down the street,

As dream was being passed,
As dream refused to die,
Here comes Imagination,
As Dream begins to fly.


Last edited by JoshuaCan; 08-02-2014 at 10:04 PM..
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  #2  
Old 08-03-2014, 08:37 AM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
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Joshua,

I wrote one of the most detailed crits I've ever given anyone on your last poem.

Did you even read it?
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  #3  
Old 08-03-2014, 10:30 AM
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Yes, and I am still writing my response. I am not going to disrespect you with a short or unthoughtful reply that doesn't do you justice.

I apologize for posting this before replying.
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Old 08-03-2014, 11:29 AM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
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No worries, just wanted to know.


Cheers,

L
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:33 AM
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Oh pretty pretty JoshuaCan. This felt freeing, my heart feels better for the images, it is like a lovely flight through a hope filled dream by a dream. This will be on my list to read again and again. Magical and precious, the perspective creative and fun.
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Old 08-13-2014, 09:30 AM
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It's sad to say, but this poem makes no sense at all.
Well to me at least.
I cannot see any consistency and the rhyming words are just awfully tacky.
(re: S3)

Poetry doesn't have to rhyme to make it work.
Challenge yourself by writing a piece that doesn't rhyme.
By doing that, you'll force yourself to make sense and build imagery, instead
of relying on tacky rhyming schemes to make your poem work.

Thanks.
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Old 08-13-2014, 03:42 PM
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I'm just a new member and I know I don't hold any merit as of yet, but I totally disagree with it being tacky, I thought it flowed really nicely. The use of capitalization on certain instances of the word dream, is confusing though, sometimes it's capitalized as if it's a person or thing and other times not. I don't know... that confused me.

The cheapest dream could get,
But something still to say,
Now dream has found ignition,
To push it on its way,

I really liked this part, if you just replaced the word dream with he, or she, or it, or just something objectified with more meaning than "dream" I'd read this with a whole lot more accessibility, or relatability, would be a better word.
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Old 08-13-2014, 04:06 PM
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I get the poem, but it feels really forced to get the rhymes. It's really hard to get a natural sounding rhyme in quatrains where the lines are only three feet long and rhyming abab.
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Old 08-13-2014, 07:42 PM
JoshuaCan (Offline)
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Thank you, Pandora, that warms my soul. I will remember your compliment forever.

Okay, NokturnalMe, thank you for your contributions and thoughts.

Thank you, Riotz, you are correct. That's all I have to say.

Thank you Lon Palmer, I will try to fix them and create a more natural flow.
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  #10  
Old 08-14-2014, 03:34 AM
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It's not about the flow; it's about making the rhyme the servant of the sense rather than the other way around.
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Old 08-14-2014, 11:08 PM
JoshuaCan (Offline)
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Thank you, Lon. All of your input is greatly appreciated. If you would read my post in fiction "The Midnight Well" and give some feedback I'd be extremely appreciative.
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Old 09-25-2014, 11:52 PM
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I'm very much a beginner and I write without rhyming as I feel it hinders my flow. But I really enjoyed reading this and feeling to be in search of something
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