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Old 03-31-2007, 02:22 AM
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ok, so this is the begining of a new novel i am currently working on. it is the first time i have tried this genre and any comments would be very appreciated.
thanks,
Heather



1


Shit was all Nikki could think as she heard his footsteps not far behind her. She could hear his heavy boots hitting of the leaf covered track that they were running on, and willed her self to run faster. Anything to get away from him. Large patches of sweat decorated her blue vest and her trackie bottoms clung to her legs, the heavy heat beating down on her back.

A little way ahead of her she could see the trees parting and she forced the last of her energy into reaching the clearing. Daring to glance behind her she could see him closing in; his top tight to his body like cling-film and the wind blowing in his hair. He even looks good when he is running she thought to herself as he overtook her, leaving her chasing after his perfectly sculpted bottom.

When she reached the finish line he was waiting there for her, a huge smile spread across his smug face.
“Out of breath Nikki?” he jeered, watching her bend over as she tried to steady her breathing. She removed her bobble, allowing a waterfall of gingery brown hair to fall down her back, stopping a few inches above the waistband on her bottoms. “The course isn’t best suited for women.” He continued. Seething, Nikki gave him the finger before walking on towards the changing rooms.

“That wasn’t very nice now was it?” he called after her.
“Fuck you Brians,” she replied calmly, although she wanted nothing more than to bury his face in the ground. Normally completing the course wasn’t too bad for Nikki; she would pace herself around the mile and a half run in just over ten minutes. When she was running with Brians however, she would push herself to beat him, although she seldom did.

Having showered and pulled on her suit she made her way up to her office. The building in which she worked was very grand and sterile looking. The south facing wall was made mainly from glass and neatly manicured lawns decorated the front of the building.

Inside the reception hall many men and few women made their way in and out of the building, some going off to the left towards the restaurant and library, but many others passed through the security bars that led up into the rest of the building. Nikki pulled out her FBI security pass from her shirt and pressed it against the scanner on the wall before it beeped and opened the gate, allowing her through.

Up in her office Nikki slumped into her chair and turned on her computer. Three new Emails. Opening her inbox folder she saw that the first was off her boyfriend, Alex, the second from her mother and the final one from Agent Johnson. Ignoring the first two, she opened the Email.

Another murder, Sarah Carlisle, possibly Him again.

Shit she thought. Picking up the folder that lay on one end of her desk she left to go across to the main office on that floor. The room was large with little light inside. A huge board with several pictures and writing upon it sat in the middle of the room and Agent Johnson stood pinning up a new photo on the board.

“Is that Sarah?” Nikki asked as she walked into the room, placing the folder on a table near the door.
“Sarah Carlisle, thirty-three years old. Found at her apartment this morning by her neighbour. He said he broke in after he heard her fire alarm going off and found her lying on the living room floor.”

After having a look at the pictures on the board, Nikki shuddered. There were three in total, a close up of Sarah’s face which was covered in blood, another of her full body that was covered in cuts and a close up one of a series of cuts spelling out the word hello.

“Her whole body was covered in slashes spelling out words.” Agent Johnson stated. On the rest of the board were three other groups of photos, each showing a different victim.
“You think that these are all linked still?” Johnson asked. Nikki watched him, trying to decide whether he was being sincere or not. There had been four brutal and untraceable murders in the last three months and Nikki was convinced that they were all linked, despite everyone else’s opinion.
“Yes,” she replied, not taking her eyes of Johnson. “Do you?”

“Not sure,” He smiled as he said this, trying hard not to appear as if he really didn’t know. Johnson was one of the few people working with her that she liked. Many of the others disliked the fact she was female and tended not to take her seriously. She had been working with the FBI for three years and had been moved to a new base four months previously. So far nothing had happened particularly, but Nikki was determined to prove herself to her new colleagues.

She had spent many years at school and then collage getting her PHD in psychology, focusing a lot on crime and the way in which the mind of a criminal works. At the age of twenty-four she was accepted into the FBI training program and spent two and a half years at the base in Boston before being relocated to Seattle.

“I’m going to go down to forensics, see if they have got anything from the body,” Nikki said before leaving the room and going down three flights of stairs to the forensic floor. Opening the double doors to lab 3 a wave of cold air hit her, and she was glad to be pulling on the lab coat. Advancing towards the table she braced herself for what she was about to see and didn’t feel disappointed when she looked upon the corpse.

The body was completely white apart from many many words written in what looked like a red biro. Her body was covered in them, each one different from the last and all facing as if looking down when reading them. They covered her stomach and legs, the ones further down getting smaller and harder to read.

“There was none on her back or the back of her legs, and judging by the position of the writing it looks like she has done this herself.” Darling said grimly.
“Cause of death?” Nikki asked.
“Severe blood loss. She was also found with high alcohol amounts in her body, nearly double the weekly limit.”
“That’s a lot of alcohol,” Nikki stated. “And she drank all of that before she cut herself?”
“Well, we are still not sure if the cuts are her own doing, we will have to see what the prints from the knife come up with, but the alcohol was drank before or at the same time that she sustained the cuts. With that amount of alcohol in her body however, she will have needed some help with the knife I think, especially to write the words so clearly. As you can see though, the writing gets more and more illegible as it gets further down her legs, maybe the alcohol kicking in more or even pain.” Darling told her, reading it off a card on his desk.

“Do you know when the results will be back on the knife?” she asked him. He shook his head so Nikki dismissed herself and returned upstairs to the main office. When she arrived the whole team sat around the board discussing something.

“She’s trying to get some attention, that’s all it is,” Brians told the other three men in the room. They all agreed and laughed in unison except Johnson.
“I think she’s just trying to solve the case fellas, and it can’t be nice having the piss took out of you, especially with her being the only chick here.”
“Yeah well we don’t need no women here, she’s not doing so good is she, coming up with all her crazy ideas and that. I mean how the hell does she think these are all related? Although she’s not bad to look at,” Brians replied, smiling as he spoke.

“Too bad I couldn’t say the same about you eh Brians,” Nikki replied calmly, deciding to let her presence be known.
“Jesus, how long have you been there for Thomas?” he asked angrily having being startled by her.
“Ok then, if you guys are so smart, what do you think about these, and what should we do about them?” she asked, pointing towards the board as she spoke. They all looked at her standing above them, none sure how to reply as they didn’t have a clue where to start. “Seen as none of you seem too keen to answer, I’m assuming you don’t know.” She paused, waiting for a response. “Well in that case don’t bother taking the piss of me, when none of you have a fucking clue.” She said angrily before sitting at a desk and re-reading through the case files.

“Ow, and I want the results from the knife prints as soon as they are ready,” she told them before retiring to her office.


* * *




“Doctor Edwards is coming up . . . to this department!!” shouted Agent Carlen, rushing around to clear away papers and other things cluttering the desks. Upon hearing this, the men in the office shot up, attempting to flatten the creases from their shirts and smooth down their hair, but Nikki remained sitting on a desk.

“Who is doctor Edwards?” she asked, wondering what the fuss was about. The men continued with their preparations, not seeming to hear her speak, or not replying if they did. “I’m going to my office,” she told no one in particular before leaving the room and crossing the hallway.

The room she called her office was large and roomy. The back wall was completely glass, looking out onto the front of the building and the city. Her desk faced with its back to the window with three large leather chairs placed around. There was also a filing cabinet, a set of drawers and a water cooler. Nikki stood and looked around her office with a sense of pride. It had taken her nearly three years but she had finally gotten a promotion along with the transfer. She was “Team Leader” of the men in the other office, Johnson (the trustworthy one), Carlen (the hard working one), Jenkins (the joker) and Brians (the twat). She had been working there for just over four months and had spent those receiving snide remarks and not much support. It bothered her not though, as she knew she would prove herself sooner or later, and they would have to accept that she was their senior.

She smiled as she thought that, sitting down at her desk and swivelling her chair round to face out the window. Behind her she heard a small knock and turned to see Agent Thompson, an agent from a higher floor, standing in the doorway.
“I wanted to introduce you to Doctor Edwards.” He said, moving out of the way slightly for a very well dressed man to enter the room. An air of importance entered alongside him. “He is an ex-agent for the FBI, and a very good one at that, but unfortunately an injury meant his early departure.”
The doctor walked towards Nikki, holding out a soft hand for her to take. But instead of shaking it, he raised it to his lips and kissed it gently.
“It’s a pleasure, agent . . .?” he asked. Nikki studied him quickly before answering. He wore a crisp white suit with a contrasting black shirt, and although he looked to be in his forties Nikki thought him quite handsome.

“Thomas, agent Nichola Thomas,” she replied, smiling as she spoke.
“Doctor Edwards was one of the best agents we had working here,” Thompson chirped in, obviously trying to make a good impression upon his predecessor.
“Really,” Nikki remarked. “And what do you do now?”
“I am a psychiatrist now, my PHD in psychology came in handy after all,” he joked, watching for a reaction as he spoke. He received a smile.
“That sounds interesting, I thought about taking that career path after I had finished my PHD also.”

“You studied psychology?” he asked. After seeing her nod he continued. “I think that it is a very interesting thing to study, trying to decipher the enigma that is the human mind.” He spoke with a passion for the subject, studying Nikki closely at the same time. Her shining blue eyes smiled at him from beneath thick black eyelashes, although her hair partly covered one. She also wore a suit, although hers was dark in colour with a pink shirt and matching shoes. He could smell her perfume slightly as she spoke, waving her arms around slightly for expression.
“Yes, I too find it very fascinating, I have since being young,” Nikki smiled. Agent Thompson coughed slightly and looked at his watch, bored with the conversation and wanting to continue showing Doctor Edwards around.

“Well, I really have enjoyed your company but I’m afraid we must be going on,” Doctor Edwards said, once more taking Nikki’s hand and kissing it, although letting it linger slightly longer this time.

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Last edited by heatherlouise; 04-02-2007 at 01:53 AM..
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Old 03-31-2007, 07:00 PM
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Quick note - this would be a lot easier to read and therefore crit if you used double returns at the paragraph breaks and a serif font such as Palatino, Garamond, or Georgia. They were designed to make it easier to read blocks of text. The sans serif font you have used was designed for titles and short pieces.
Kit
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Old 04-02-2007, 01:54 AM
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thanks for telling me, i have went through and added paragrapghs into it. (when i type on word i use an indentation which doesn't paste onto here, lol) changed the font also, hope it's easier to read now
thanks,
Heather
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Old 04-08-2007, 01:09 PM
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Great - I will take a read now, if I might.
Kit

Where are you from? Your word use is a little different from standard so I am curious? Since the main character is with the FBI, do you want to make this more general American usage?

Here's a beginning of an edit - main thing is when you go through it again, simplify your verb use to tighten it up. So far, I am very interested in reading the story - so I will continue. Nice going.
Kit

1
para one – some minor edits for grammar plus did they decorate it? Or perhaps mar it or appeared on or were apparent or – change the track running to she instead of they to make it more hers – he is there to follow her, she is there to run, at least in her opinion at this time - Does heat beat on your back or the heat of the sun?

Shit was all Nikki could think as his footsteps thudded not far behind her. She could hear his heavy boots hitting of the leaf covered track that she was running on, (or as he ran) and willed herself to run faster. Anything to get away from him. Large patches of sweat decorated her blue vest and her trackie bottoms clung to her legs, the heavy heat beating down on her back.

A little way ahead, of her she could see the trees parting and She forced the last of her energy into reaching the clearing. Daring to glance behind her she could see him closing in; his top tight to his body like cling-film and the wind blowing in his hair. He even looks good when he is running she thought to herself as he overtook her, leaving her chasing after his perfectly sculpted bottom.



Maybe change bottoms to pants since you have been referring to his bottom in the previous para.
When she reached the finish line he was waiting there for her, a huge smile spread across his smug face. “Out of breath Nikki?” he jeered, watching her bend over as she tried to steady her breathing. She removed her bobble, allowing a waterfall of gingery brown hair to fall down her back, stopping a few inches above the waistband on her bottoms. “The course isn’t best suited for women,” he continued. Seething, Nikki gave him the finger before walking on towards the changing rooms.

“That wasn’t very nice now was it?” he called after her.


“Fuck you Brians,” she replied calmly, although she wanted nothing more than to bury his face in the ground. Normally, completing the course wasn’t too bad for Nikki; she would pace herself around the mile and a half run in just over ten minutes. When she was running with Brians, however, she would pushed herself to beat him, although she seldom did.

In this para. – her suit – not her track suit now so what kind of suit. Did the lawns decorate – that sounds too pretty – lined the front of the building from the walk to the wall or something like that

Having showered and pulled on her suit she made her way up to her office. The building in which she worked was appeared very grand and sterile looking. The south facing wall was made mainly from glass, and neatly manicured lawns decorated the front of the building.

Inside the reception hall many men and few women made their way in and out of the building, some going went off to the left towards the restaurant and library, but many others passed through the security bars that led up into the rest of the building. Nikki pulled out her FBI security pass from her shirt and pressed it against the scanner on the wall before it beeped and opened the gate, allowing her through.

Up in her office Nikki slumped into her chair and turned on her computer. Three new E-mails. Opening her inbox folder she saw that the first was off from her boyfriend, Alex, the second from her mother and the final one from Agent Johnson. Ignoring the first two, she opened the E-mail.





__________________
If I did not tell you all the changes you might consider, I would be doing you a disservice, treating you with less than the full respect you deserve. This much I have learned from my years teaching and mentoring writers.

Riverstones let the water flow around them.


Last edited by riverstone; 04-08-2007 at 01:28 PM..
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