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Marks

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  #1  
Old 06-09-2006, 08:11 AM
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Entering the gates of my mind
taken aback by the radiance
A star shone brightly on my face
lush landscapes of untamed hues
mountainous trees home to,
Choirs of birds singing in glee
for their homes lay peacefully
alongside a village that lay
not a mile to the west

Crossing a bridge to the town beyond
admiring the river that ran along
breathing life into its populace
again I was paralyzed in astonishment
this time by the look on each face

Vibrant eyes
with matching smiles
warm words calling
“Greetings, visitor
from the wild”

each one sharing
all he had
with his neighbor
knowing that
his brothers will
eventually
present the love back

“Hello, friend would you like to lend a hand?”
the closest one spoke with compassion
extending his hand
taking it eagerly, I asked
“What laws govern this place?”
“Only those found deep in your heart
my friend, are you hungry?”
I nodded with disbelief in my eyes
“Come then and discover the splendor
of a brotherhood so deep.
each working to his own ability
and receiving to his own need”

Alas, as we were heading
off to everyone’s home
I could hear a distant greeting,
No, an upsetting command,
from deep inside my head
“Mike! Are those double whoppers coming?!?”
Shaken awake
from my daydream
I hurriedly made the sandwiches
in which he inquired

Rubbing my eyes
in quiet contempt
muttering something
under my breath
I finished my work
and cleaned my board
wondering the cause
of revelations
such as those
perhaps too much THC,
grinning, thinking
perhaps not enough
massaging my brow

Searching for that place again

Lost in thought
words
ringing in my head

Working to his abilities..
Receiving to his needs...

"Mike! You'r not paid
to look good!"
Groaning,
my daughter preserves me
concluding my thoughts
until later hours
I was left
with an odd name
imprinted in my brain
Mark?
No…
that’s not quite right
Marks?
---
incomplete.. I would like to delve deeper into Mike's brooding after his vision. I would also like to include something like why work for 5.25 an hour when I can work for fulfillment and for my fellow human... but alas I have to go mow my grandma's lawn. I'll probably touch this one up tonight with the help of a couple comments here and there : P.

-eyes

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  #2  
Old 06-09-2006, 10:44 AM
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No matter how I tried to read this past the first stanza, I am compelled to stop and suggest that you fix the two dangling particples before xfactor pounces. Also:

Entering the gates of my mind
taken aback by the radiance
A star shone brightly on my face
lush landscapes of untamed hues
mountainous trees home to,
Choirs of birds singing in glee
for their homes lay peacefully
alongside a village that lay
not a mile to the west
— I do not understand the use of the comma at the end of line 5, nor the capital "C" at the start of the following line, nor (because you seem to be using transitional words in some cases but not in others) much of the syntax of the stanza. Perhaps if you would take care of such things, one miight actually be able to continue on and — who knows? — enjoy it.
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Old 06-09-2006, 01:23 PM
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Wasn't that bad for me. Was a tad-bit long, but told an interesting story and wasn't bad. Keep up the good work, I'd give it a 3 of 5.
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Old 06-09-2006, 02:50 PM
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whats a dangling participle?

side note: I dont pay much attention to grammar because I don't understand a lot of its uses, I don't know how or why that comma was there or how or why there was a capital c.
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Old 06-09-2006, 05:30 PM
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Why are the poor always Communists? The solution, of course, is to eat the poor. Oh, sorry, wrong forum. I am reminded of the immortal words of Kanye West in his pop classic Golddigger:
He gone make it into a Benz out of that Datsun
He got that ambition baby look in his eyes
This week he moppin floorz next week it's the frys
This poem could be reduced considerably. It meanders a bit before settling down into a quote from Marx's Critique of the Gotha Program and a lukewarm indictment of the service industry free enterprise system. All good themes, politics and reason aside, could be very powerful, but anecdotal nature of the poem weakens it considerably.
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Old 06-09-2006, 07:29 PM
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Jack:
The point of free verse is that everything is a weapon, a device for the poet. If you use a capital or a comma, it is significant.
whats a dangling participle?

side note: I dont pay much attention to grammar because I don't understand a lot of its uses, I don't know how or why that comma was there or how or why there was a capital c.
I realize I am taking over xfactor's realm here, but I guess I should answer in case xfactor does not see this post. Here goes:
Entering the gates of my mind
taken aback by the radiance
A star shone
— when you use one of these verb forms ("Entering", "taken"), you have to indicate what or who was the agent doing it. What or who was entering, and what or who was taken? Your sentence tells us that "A star" was doing this. I think you meant to say that the narrator was doing these things (or maybe the light of the star?), in which case, your verses should read as follows:
Entering the gates of my mind
taken aback by the radiance
I . . . .
But then, were you entering the gates of your mind, or was the light of the star entering the gates of you mind. I presume you were the one taken aback by the radiance. Probably listing these two participial phrases in parallel does not work if you were not the one entering the gates of your mind.

About the comma and the capital, you are the person who put them there, if you do not know why you did that, probably you should not have done so.


If you have a problem with grammar and syntax, the solution is to read, read, read until you get the structure of a proper English sentence into your brain. A knowledge of grammar does not really do it, because grammar is an artificial construct that really has no relevance to real usage, as any poet proficient in free verse can tell you.

What does it boil down to? just this: Free verse uses syntax as a significant device; don't try to screw around with syntax until you know what you are doing, or if you do try to screw around with it, be prepared for reaction from people who wonder what the hell you are trying to say.
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