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The "Psychopath" and the Psychopath (adult content, nsfw, 1.5k words)

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Old 07-24-2014, 09:23 AM
drew67 (Offline)
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Default The "Psychopath" and the Psychopath (adult content, nsfw, 1.5k words)


I haven't properly proofread this yet, but wanted to send it out before I went on holiday - so sorry for any grammatical errors. Give me feedback on anything

Please note that there is both sexual and violent content heavily involved in the story.

--

We got onto the subject of girlfriends, and love, and stuff like that.
“I’ve only had one girlfriend,” he said, pausing. “She died some eight months ago. That’s why I’m… you know,” he gestured with a hesitant finger to the track marks on his right arm. I smoked my cigarette, my real interest peaking momentarily.
“What happened?”
The way he looked at me then, daring to keep eye contact but not sustaining his bravery to keep it, reminded me of a scared, awkward teenager. I suppose he was.
“I killed her.”
I halted, cigarette in mouth. My heart beat against my ribcage in curious excitement. How does a normal person react to that? How can I keep up my façade with such a poisonous, toxic, delicious answer? I had observed normal people as much as I could but I could not possibly mimic a normal response. I was unmistakably excited. A smile grew at my lips. No, I thought, you don’t know much about regular behavior, but you know you’re not supposed to smile at that. But I couldn’t help it. A wide, wild smile formed on my face.

MDMA makes you regard past events, regrets, in a different light. The guilt or nostalgia you feel at a remembering something traumatic disappears – you’re unlocked, and you can talk freely about anything. So I cut him a generous line.

He raised his head as he snorted it, and I felt his revamped energy flow through his body.
“Tell me about it,” I encouraged him, taking care to inject a level of benevolence into my words.
He was playing with his zipper absentmindedly and looked up like a startled deer. “About what?” he said, sniffing.
“About, you know… Your girlfriends death”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he quickly retorted.
People under drugs are easy to manipulate. I placed my hand on his wrist, hoping to radiate as much warmth as possible into him. I caught his eye and noticed a feeble, childlike innocence residing within them. I took advantage. “I’m here for you.” I said as reassuringly as possible, mimicking how I’d seen teenage girls talk to their friends.

He exhaled a shaky breath.
“Okay… It might take a long time.” I nodded, giving off an air of understanding. I was too interested in his story to let it go - did he kill her accidentally, and was subsequently ridden with guilt? Or did he do it for fun? I grew excited at the prospect that I could have fun with either myself. I gripped his wrist and hoped to transfer some confidence into him. He began.

“Ever since I’ve been little… Ever since puberty, I’ve had a… desire, I suppose… for, you know…” he laughed a little, nervously, “I don’t know… fucked up things in sex. Bondage, whips… blood. It wasn’t like I couldn’t have sex without it – I did, plenty of times, before I met her. God, she was amazing. We connected, you know? I met her at a club some three years ago. We were high, but there was something there, a feeling that not even any high could replicate. A feeling of belonging, I guess. I remember thinking I was stupid. I’d only known her for one night - a few hours out most.” He looked down and shook his head sadly. “She felt it too. I was so… so alive. Everything was suddenly real and perfect and I could tell she was lonely too, you know? Oh man… when I kissed her…” he trailed off, and his forlorn look sent blood pumping through my veins. I love getting inside people.

“That night, with her, it came out. My sickness, my sick, fucked up fetish! Years of concealing it brought it out raging, screaming… I couldn’t stop it. There were no two sides of me then. I was completely consumed. Halfway through having sex I… I took my belt off and lashed her with it. Again and again. You wouldn’t believe it, Frank, you really wouldn’t. I had bruised the poor girl and relished in her pain, but man…” He smiled nostalgically, “She got up and pulled me by my tie and kissed me hard on the mouth. Oh man… she was amazing.

“After that night, I fell so deeply in love. We were codependent to one another, I think, sadist and masochist; the two of us were perfect. I never hurt her enough to make a permanent mark, though I wanted to. I always managed to repress myself enough for that. She was too beautiful to scar. For a while it was perfect, Frank. Something told me it wouldn’t last, though. When you’re happy I guess it does feel like that. There was nothing to counterbalance the euphoria I was in - it was volatile. I was expecting a big downfall.

“We’d always meet… after work, on the park. We’d talk for a while, sometimes minutes, sometimes hours. That bit was as good as the sex, man. How weird is that? Talking as good as sex?” He laughed again, and I think I saw him welling up. “But when I placed my hand on her knee she knew what I wanted, and it became almost a code. We’d go to my flat and spend hours living out fantasies that we’d both retained since we were young. It was ecstasy. A fucked up kind of ecstasy, but I’ve never felt so good in my life.” I smiled at him, but I was bored and impatient. His nostalgic tone wouldn’t have gone amiss on a hippy reminiscing about the summer of ’67. But then his countenance turned dark. I saw a deep self-hatred in his eyes and cruelty in his lips. Oh man, this guy was killing me.

Now he lost his nostalgic, innocent tone, and adopted one far more malevolent, one that sneered at the end of each sentence, as if every word he said mocked his own self-pity. He spoke with deliberate precision. “I’d been repressing it, Frank. I’d ignored the evil side of myself for too long. Her submission had been some relief, but it came back… it wanted blood. Our sex was becoming more and more violent. I… fuck, man… I couldn’t help it…“
He suddenly slammed his hand down on the table and stood up. He gripped the back of his head with both hands and screamed “I COULDN’T FUCKING HELP IT!” whilst shaking his head violently, like an animal shot, moaning in pain, making weird, guttural noises. Eventually he sat back down, muttered that he was sorry. He stared at his feet for a long time. When he finally raised his head, his eyebrows casting dark, elongating shadows over his eyes. I could see only a white glint of them through the dark, and a sharp smirk on his face.

There was a long, heavy pause.

“You wanna know what I did to her, Frank?
He spoke slowly, but with a sharp lick of malice on his tongue. His dark eyes were fixed on mine the whole time.
He didn’t need a reply.
“I tied her up. Tight, so she couldn’t move. She was naked, and it was her vulnerability that brought it out. She was so beautiful, so easy, on that bed, and I could tell she trusted me. It came out with ferocity. It consumed me, like the first night with her… I took out my penknife. I watched her eyes flicker from trust to fear in a millisecond, as I ran the point of the knife slowly up her midriff. That filled me with glee. I pointed the knife under her breast, and stared her in the eye as I slowly pressed it against her. You should’ve seen her struggle, Frank. She was really a thing of beauty when there were tears on her cheeks and terror deep in her eye. I pressed the point of the blade till I felt her skin on breaking point. A bit deeper, and the blood started to trickle down her ribs. I had gagged her, but oh, god, how she screamed. That was the best part.” He lifted his head up slightly, and I saw a hint of the nostalgic glow he had in his face earlier, but distorted with a deep-set darkness. “I cut lines under her breasts. Deep cuts… I traced blood back down her stomach, and held the knife in between her legs. I held it there, blade against her opening, and began to slowly push the point inside her… Before long I had it inside her… But oh god, her screams, her screams!” He blinked hard, snapping out of his reverie. Tears burst at his eyes. “Oh fuck, man, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck…” He pulled his legs to his chest and shook back and forth, sobbing like a baby, pathetically repeating those words like a mantra.

What do normal people do in this situation? I thought.
I don’t think normal people get themselves into this situation, A different voice in my head retorted sarcastically.
I could feel a smile rising again. I bit my lip. “I’ll… er… get you a drink”, I said, patting him on the head. I walked into the kitchen and looked at him through the door, sobbing like a child on the sofa, crying into his own hands. He was a picture. I couldn’t help it: I erupted into laughter.


Last edited by drew67; 07-24-2014 at 09:30 AM..
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Old 07-24-2014, 10:28 AM
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ok I liked it, it was strange, and 'exciting' (just kidding)

in the beginning of your story I could tell the difference between your two characters by their word usage and the way they spoke, it was very appealing - then about half way through the voice separation stopped, It seemed like the shrink, or Frank I guess, was doing the talking and it was the other guy.

the voices had become just one, not like the difference in words and voice that you began with. it was not so good; your characters didn't stay in character.

I'm sure there are a few errors in the SPaG department but I read over them - that's a good thing because I was into the story and not the writing.

keep writing.

just wondering why you had no problem with Fuck and stayed away from cunt, pussy or maybe cutting on her clitoris.

Last edited by max crash; 07-24-2014 at 10:59 AM..
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Old 07-24-2014, 11:33 AM
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Thanks for reading through it, Max. I do agree, actually, the voices merge into one - I think I was trying to convey him indulging in his sexual fantasy. Whereabouts do you think the voices become the same?

On the note of using cunt or pussy, it just didn't really cross my mind. "Opening" sounded more vulgar, I thought.

Thanks for the feedback, man
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Old 07-24-2014, 11:43 AM
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“After that night, I fell so deeply in love. We were codependent to one another, I think, sadist and masochist; the two of us were perfect.

Not-Frank loses all his anger here and uses words that are not consistent with the way Not-Frank was talking before. it sounds like Frank talking. I do see what you're talking about maybe frank was hearing the story the way he wanted to - in his words, as he empathized, but I don't think it works.
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Old 07-24-2014, 08:01 PM
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I thought the story good, but one point bugged me throughout.

How did the young man get away with this? People would have seen him with her, often I would imagine. How has he evaded capture?

This needs some explanation for me, as I had a hard time believing that the young man would not already be in jail.

As for everything else, it was weirdly, and in places, deliciously evil. I'm questioning the two main characters' sexuality, but that only added to the creep factor (unless Frank is a girl - Francine?)

Cheers
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Old 07-26-2014, 08:58 AM
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Thanks Max, I see what you mean. I may re write from there at some point.

Hi Risk, thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it hmmm, I never even really thought about how it got away with it. I know that seems silly but I've no intention of writing any more on it and it was written on a whim, but hey, people have gotten away with much worse IRL. Perhaps he is awaiting trial or was found not guilty due to a lack of evidence.

As for the last point, Frank is male - but I'll leave the rest for you to decide
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Old 07-27-2014, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by drew67 View Post
Thanks for reading through it, Max. I do agree, actually, the voices merge into one - I think I was trying to convey him indulging in his sexual fantasy. Whereabouts do you think the voices become the same?

On the note of using cunt or pussy, it just didn't really cross my mind. "Opening" sounded more vulgar, I thought.

Thanks for the feedback, man
I actually like your use of "opening". I think that words change in meaning overtime. Pussy and cunt were once words packed with power to describe female parts, however, as they are often used as insults now, they've lost their strength and almost sound funny if used to actually describe genetalia. That may just be me though, but I feel that the connotation of "opening" lends itself more to this type of story.

I did see a few spots where the wording might need to be updated, but I enjoyed the story. I thought it was edgy. Sexy in parts, and also exciting.

Last edited by RyleyAlexander; 07-27-2014 at 02:50 PM..
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Old 07-28-2014, 03:00 PM
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What a fun read, drew67 (whatever - call the men in the little white coats later, 'k?) - I thoroughly enjoyed it. The suspense builds well throughout, and I felt compelled to keep reading

I was a bit confused about why Frank would emulate teen girls while speaking to the murderer (especially as you indicate that both speakers are male)...I'm assuming it connects to the attempt to make the storyteller feel more comfortable, but with both speakers being male, it strikes an unusual chord.

I, too, am interested in how the storyteller has evaded the cops for eight months. Perhaps shortening the timeframe here would help - going on a bender after losing control, a missing person, an investigation from the police...these are the kinds of plot elements that can help to add to the story. After eight months of coping, why is the murderer just now telling his story?

I'm also curious as to how he knows Frank. I'm curious about Frank in general. Frank's an interesting character to me

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I read and enjoyed it. Love a nice dark piece on a Monday night
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Old 08-01-2014, 10:41 AM
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Thanks, Ryley. I agree, it does need some updating and the posts here have convinced me to rewrite it, which is something I hardly do

Hi Jynx, thanks for the reply and the praise. In regard to him emulating a teenage girl - i wanted to show how clueless Frank is in regard to human emotion, I think. It did feel weird writing it, though. In all honesty, eight months was a figure plucked from thin air - not a thing a writer should do, I understand, but I did not think much around it. When I rewrite I'll definitely change it 1 or 2 months, and add a few not-too-overt details about it all if i can. Thanks for pointing it out

Thanks for the response guys. I'm very glad its been wholly positive.
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Old 08-02-2014, 08:12 PM
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I'll be looking forward to reading the rewrite. It's a great story!
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Old 08-08-2014, 03:22 AM
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The story is in first person and this is where you head hop:

He raised his head as he snorted it, and I felt his revamped energy flow through his body.

Not sure how the MC can feel the energy flowing through someone's body.
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Old 08-09-2014, 07:56 AM
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Default The "Psychopath" and the Psychopath

Interesting title. Lives up to the plotline which renders a confession about adult activities gone wrong. Somehow very gratifying to the audience who needs to make it through. The characters and organization along with the plot turn makes this a publishable piece.

This character is believable. He reveals his fetish with his girlfriend whom he murders. We almost still like this person. Even though we know he is the killer, he has not done a good job in turning the audience off. We believe we know this guy at work or something. Also, the girlfriend is not present, but we wonder about her. She almost turns into a round character.

Like an interview, the organization of the plot works. We understand the place of the interviewer and the patient. It helps us to see the interviewer coax him into telling his secrets. We really enjoy the laughter at the end of the story. It is a nice change and as previously stated by the interviewer we are not responding as we should.

To improve, have the patient use a concrete image to identify with the fetish with his girlfriend. Either an image or metaphor would work to be repeated as he tells his story about the murder.
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