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A Note From Mother - Grace Gabriel

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  #1  
Old 04-26-2011, 04:38 AM
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Default A Note From Mother - Grace Gabriel


A Note From Mother (Grace Gabriel)

The mansion that you think you own
Has a hundred years on you
How many have lived there before
who thought they 'owned' it too?

How hard you work to keep it all
But still those debts get deeper
Its you that's 'owned' by four stone walls
A pile of bricks your keeper.

The acres that you've fenced and claimed
Your sods, your clods, your mire
Will feast on our decaying bones
Long after we expire.

Life is short, so very short
How can I make you see
That nothing here is ours to own
That happiness is free?

You have colleagues and contempories
Aqcuaintances and peers
But no one you could call a friend
In over forty years.

I don't decry all you've achieved
I don't wish to offend
Son, why a house with sixteen rooms
When you don't have a friend?

Your children never did come home
Nor rarely come to stay
Their childhoods lost to dormitories
Two hundred miles away.

Your wife, the horsey, haughty blonde
I hear has lost her spark
Drinks in her room all afternoon
Then lies there in the dark.

I know you're proud - so very proud
Of all that you've become
But you sold your soul to buy it all
And I lost you my son.

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Old 04-26-2011, 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
A Note From Mother (Grace Gabriel)


Aqcuaintances
Suggest you Wiki check this spelling.

Lot of stuff in this "Note".

Don't know if you need the bold and underline to sell that last sentence.
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Old 04-26-2011, 09:56 PM
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You're right - too long to be called a 'note'.
Agree with the bold underline too. I'll lose that. (There was an old lady in hospital, who's son swept in for a brief visit. After he left, she just wrote "I've lost him" in a large spidery hand, and kept underlining it, over and over. That's what gave me the idea of the poem, and why I underlined.)
Many thanks.
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Old 04-27-2011, 01:51 AM
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I liked it, it was sad and very to the point I don't spot any huge issues. I quite liked the underline but it could do with an echo somewhere else in the poem or it is a little odd in the last line - it may work better in the opening line.
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Old 04-27-2011, 03:28 AM
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Good point. Might have a tinker.
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Old 04-27-2011, 03:52 AM
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Hey Grace,
I really enjoyed this piece, it has good meter and an excellent flow to it, I also enjoy poetry with a story line and this has It. Just one minor point;
[Your children never did come home
Nor rarely come to stay] this needs a little edit, could I suggest OR or possibly and
Hope this helps
Best regards
D
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Old 04-27-2011, 04:40 AM
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Thanks David - will change it to "or".

Really appreciate the feedback. First peice of writing I've ever shown or shared.
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Old 04-27-2011, 02:30 PM
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Wow. It's pretty moving, very sad. I love it. I guess the only thing I'd change is this stanza:

Your children never did come home
Nor rarely come to stay
Their childhoods lost to dormitories
Two hundred miles away.
I'd change 'dormitories' to 'boarding schools', to me it would sort of flow better.
Still, I think it's great.
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Old 04-28-2011, 01:19 AM
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Thanks Spresso
Was originally 'boarding schools', and got changed unteen times. Sometimes, the more you fiddle, the worse it gets!
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Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 08-24-2011 at 02:12 PM..
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