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The Girl I Loved

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Old 03-24-2007, 02:27 PM
Kory (Offline)
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Default The Girl I Loved


This is not the happiest of stories. If you wish to find happiness, read some fiction. My life is not a fairy tale which ends in ‘happily ever after.’ Much of what has happened is embarrassing, and was even more so at the time. But I will tell you, oh beloved reader, the truth.

The truth shall set you free. Long have I wondered about this. The meaning is obviously mental. The truth shall release the spirit, and set it free. But I have long since doubted it. Many of my truths have been told, and they never even made me feel free. All I can hope is that when people hear they truth, they will set me free. My hope is fleeting. It is hard to hope when your name is 798251 and when you live in a high security prison. That is where I am. Deep in prison, closed in behind bars every day. I am prisoner 798251, and this is our story.

Truth is nothing, when no one believes it.

I first saw her when I was eleven. Her name was Irene and she had brown eyes which matched her golden brown hair. We did not go to the same school, or even live in the same county. Nor were our two families friends. We didn’t even know each other Irene and I. I saw her in church once a week, and I was sure that God had blessed the place with the presence of an angel.

I was frustrated at the time because I was having trouble keeping up with school, and Bible studies. I seemed to be letting God fall behind and I knew this was wrong. Irene was playful, beautiful, kind and loving. To me she was all my soul longed for.

At the time I was convinced that I was deeply in love with her. It took me a long time to fully understand my own feelings because I'd never experienced them before. A crush became a desire and a longing. Not perverse I hope you’ll understand, but kind and caring. My desire was to know how she felt about me. My longing was to know this precious jewel sent from the Almighty.

Perhaps it would have been better for me if I'd had more girl relationships earlier, but I cannot say. All I can say is that Irene was the only girl I ever got tongue-tied around and I hated it. Not even being able to talk to a girl? How lame is that? It really sucked.

I first thought she liked me at a church group. We were going to a different church as part of a large group. There we would compete with kids from many other churches in bible stuff. Memorization, seeing who could get the Bible verse first, stuff like that.

Once there I worked hard to get a seat next to Irene. Her sister was sitting next to me too. She told me that Irene liked me and that she thought I was cute. Irene went red and told her sister she wouldn’t do that kind of thing. Her sister was hopeful to make amends and told me that she was kidding. I didn’t believe her. I was ecstatic.

That is what prompted me to write the five love letters. I didn’t have any number planned, five just happened. I was too nervous to actually give them to Irene myself so I had another boy deliver them. At the time I wasn’t thinking that he’d read it and tell every one about it. But he did and soon the news that I liked Irene was all over the church. I was in embarrassment city. That is one of the reasons I went into hiding. I didn’t try to talk with Irene, I only watched her from a distance. Doing things with other kids was rare and brief. For the most part I stayed out of sight.

What more need I say? For the next two years I passed my time in watchful silence. Many times I tried to talk myself out of my love. I tried countless times to make myself believe that what I wanted could never happen. I knew that what I was doing was fruitless. Despite all this, my friend Josh did a good job in making me try to get Irene to be my girl.

During February of 2005 a boy called me over from sledding. I wasn't too eager as the hill was excellent for snow-boarding. But out of courtesy I walked over to him. Irene and several others were with him. When I was called over Irene fled out a back door as the boy said Irene liked me. Irene then came running in from a side door. Not looking at me she told me that she didn’t like me.

I reasoned that she had lied. If she wasn't there when Jacob told me she liked me, how did she know exactly what we were talking about? I assumed that she had guessed what we were talking about and lied so that she didn't have to go through any embarrassment. I thought that she left when I came over because we still didn't feel comfortable around her.

Perhaps I am confusing the reader. But then lies and deciet do that. This is what I now believe really happened. Jacob wanted to find out who Irene liked so he called me over. Wanting to avoid an embarrassing conversation, Irene left. When she returned she told me the truth.

If you are wondering why I was so easily blinded, I will only say that it's easy to be confused when you want to be.

I know you can see the absurdity just as well as I can. But it doesn’t take a large spark to renew repressed feelings. I decided to tell Irene once more that I loved her. Only this time I would do it to her face. I spent several days sewing a Valentine with much help from my sister Angela.

The week I was supposed to give her the Valentine, I was sick. I couldn’t go to church. My worries came to the top and I convinced myself that the whole thing was absurd. I decided to try and end my feelings by talking to Irene. This was a mistake, something I was not ready for. I gave my sister a note to give to Irene asking her to meet me next week in the basement of the church after the late-service so we could talk.

I do not wish to say more on this subject because it is particularly painful and embarrassing. However, I have already said that I will tell the truth, which means that not only must I tell it, but that it must be true. I will simply make this short.
Irene was waiting for me. When I gave her the Valentine with Will you be my Valentine? on it she thought that I was trying to ask her out.

I was trying to tell her that I liked her, that I wanted to be her friend but not her boyfriend. She got the opposite idea. It was getting harder to speak from the overwhelming embarrassment. Irene had to go but she gave me a message through her sister.
Irene’s sister said, “Irene wanted me to say that she can’t go out with you because she isn’t old enough to date.”
Ouch. For some reason, that hurt. A lot. I told Irene’s sister what I had meant to say and left. I couldn’t go near her, look at her, or even make a passing comment to Irene for two more years. The only consolation I had was that Irene's sister had apologized when she'd heard what I wanted to say. I wondered at this those two years.

Looking back, the rejection I felt was common enough among other school boys. But I had never felt it before, had no preperation as I was filled with shame. I wasn’t used to such things. I had no experience in the boy-girl area. And there’s the fact that I just wasn’t good at the deep feelings.

Once again it would take two years for me to be O.K. with the whole church. I couldn’t help it. Now guilt as well as embarrassment welled up within me. I knew I could’ve handled things better. Two years later another incident involving a cell-phone, a birthday party, and four pubescent boys got us in a lot of trouble. This story must wait for another time.

I simply wish for all to know the truth and that I may understand my own feelings. By doing this perhaps I may be able to find a certain measure of peace. Irene will forever be in my heart. Though certain incedents drove us father apart, I have never stopped loving her.


Last edited by Kory; 05-03-2007 at 05:57 PM..
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Old 03-26-2007, 10:08 AM
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good story. the only thing I think can use some improving is you are reapeating the word reader alot, which can be a turn off. other, than that I think you have a good start here, and I want to know what happen to caused him to go to prison. Or maybe I am misreading something.
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Old 03-26-2007, 10:51 AM
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Dear Kellykat,

Thanks a lot for the advice and response to my story. Input means a lot to me. Now that I've read it a seventh time (with your word in mind) I can see what you mean. I'll edit some of the 'dear reader' things.
Oh, by the way you are correct. The main character is in prison and it's very relevant to the story. If anybody wants me to continue this, I'll write another chapter.
Thanks agin,

Kory.

Last edited by Kory; 03-26-2007 at 10:58 AM.. Reason: I plumb forgot to say something!
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Old 03-31-2007, 05:42 AM
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Hey Kory.
I really liked this story. Maybe, being young, I can relate to some of the things. Passing love notes around class is something that happens alot. Then you always hear of the embarrasing stories that become of them.
I like your style of writing. 'The truth will set you free'- one of my favorite quotes. Hope the truth will set this character free!
Please write on!
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Old 03-31-2007, 05:53 PM
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Corrections are in red. I sincerely hope this helps. Best of luck and keep up the awesome writing! (I'll definitely be reading the other chapters you've posted )

This is not the happiest of stories. If you with to find happiness, read some fiction. My life is not a fairy tale which ends in ‘happily ever after.’ Much of what has happened is embarrassing, and was even more so at the time. But I will tell you, oh beloved reader, the truth.

The truth shall set you free. Long have I wondered about this. The meaning is obviously mental. The truth shall release the spirit, and set it free. But I have long since doubted it. Many of my truths have been told, and they never even made me feel free. All I can hope is that when people hear they truth, they will set me free. My hope is fleeting. It is hard to hope when your name is 798251 and when you live in a high security prison. That is where I am. Deep in prison, closed in behind bars every day. I; (delete: semi-colon) am prisoner 798251, and this is our story.

Truth is nothing, when no one believes it.

I first saw her when I was eleven. Her name was Irene and she had brown eyes which matched her golden brown hair. We did not go to the same school, or even live in the same county. Nor were our two families friends. We didn’t even know each other (add comma or delete "Irene and I") Irene and I. I saw her in church once a week, and I was sure that God had blessed the place with the presence of an angel.

I was frustrated at the time because I was having trouble keeping up with school, and bible (Bible is capitalized) studies. I seemed to be letting God fall behind and I knew this was wrong. Irene was playful, beautiful, kind and loving. To me she was all my soul longed for.

At the time I was convinced that I was deeply in love with her. It took me a long time to fully understand my own feelings for I was a messed up little kid ('messed up little kid doesn't quite seem to flow. Not sure what to suggest though) .A crush became a desire and a longing. Not perverse I hope you’ll understand, but kind and caring. My desire was to know how she felt about me. My longing was to know this precious jewel sent from the Almighty.

Perhaps it would have been better for me if I'd had more girl relationships earlier, but I cannot say. All I can say is that Irene was the only girl I ever got tongue-tied around. It really sucked (this also doesn't quite seem to flow but again, I'm not sure what to suggest).

I first thought she liked me at a church group. We were going to a different church as part of a large group. There we would compete with kids from many other churches in bible (capitalize) stuff. Memorization, seeing who can (change to 'could'?) get the bible (capitalize) verse first, stuff like that.

Once there I worked hard to get a seat next to Irene. Her sister was setting (sitting?) next to me too. She told me that Irene liked me and that she thought I was cute. Irene went red and told her sister she wouldn’t do that kind of thing. Her sister was hopeful to make amends and told me that she was kidding. I didn’t believe her. I was ecstatic.

That is what prompted me to write the five love letters. I didn’t have any number planned, five just happened. I was too nervous to actually give them to Irene myself so I had another boy deliver them. At the time I wasn’t thinking that he’d read it and tell every one about it. But he did and soon the new (news?) that I liked Irene was all over the church. I was in embarrassment city. That is one of the reasons I ‘went into hiding.’ (Instead of putting this in quotes, perhaps try to find a phrase better suited to the situation. IMO, you could keep in the phrase and loose the quotes.) I didn’t try to talk with Irene, I only watched her from a distance.

What more need I say? For the next two years I passed my time in watchful silence. Many times I tried to talk myself out of my love. I tried countless times to make myself believe that what I wanted could never happen. I knew that what I was doing was fruitless. Despite all this, my friend Josh did a good job in making me try to get Irene to be my girl friend (one word).

During February of 2005 a boy called me over from sledding. I wasn't too eager as the hill was excellent for snow-bording (boarding). But out of courtesy I walked over to him. Irene and several others were with him. When I was called over Irene fled out a back door as the boy said Irene liked me. Irene then came running in from a side door. Not looking at me she told me that she didn’t like me.

I reasoned that she had lied. I thought this because she was gone when the boy told me she liked me. I reasoned that she couldn’t have known what we were talking about. She must have made a guess which came from her heart. (Not sure what to make of this paragraph, it's kind of confusing. Is he saying that since she wasn't there, she guessed what they were talking about and gave him an honest answer? That's what I thought it was saying but you started off with "I reasoned that she had lied." Try to clarify this)

I know you can see the absurdity just as well as I can. But it doesn’t take a large spark to renew repressed feelings. I decided to tell Irene once more that I loved her. Only this time I would do it to her face. I spent several days sewing a Valentine with much help from my sister Angela. (If the sister isn't important to the rest of the story or if this is one of those "one time mention" situations, consider getting rid of her name.)

The week I was supposed to give her the Valentine, I was sick. I couldn’t go to church. My worries came to the top and I convinced myself that the whole thing was absurd. I decided to try and end my feelings by talking to Irene. This was a mistake, something I was not ready for. I gave my sister a note to give to Irene asking her to meet me next week in the basement of the church after the late-service so we could talk.

I do not wish to say more on this subject because it is particularly painful and embarrassing. However, I have already said that I will tell the truth, which means that not only must I tell it, but that it must be true. I will simply make this short.
Irene was waiting for me. When I gave her the Valentine with Will you be my Valentine? on it she thought that I was trying to ask her out.

I was trying to tell her that I liked her, that I wanted to be her friend but not her boyfriend. She got the opposite idea. It was getting harder to speak from the overwhelming embarrassment. Irene had to go but she gave me a message through her sister.
Irene’s sister said, “Irene wanted me to say that she can’t go out with you because she isn’t old enough to date.”
Ouch. For some reason, that hurt. A lot. I told Irene’s sister what I had meant to say and left. I couldn’t go near her, look at her, or even make a passing comment to Irene for two more years. The only consolation I had was that Irene's sister had apologized when she'd heard what I wanted to say. I wondered at this those two years.

Looking back, the rejection I felt was common enough among other school boys. But I had never felt it before, had no preperation as I was filled with shame. I wasn’t used to such things. I had no experience in the boy-girl area. And there’s the fact that I just wasn’t good at the ‘deep’ (just as with the other phrase in quotes, consider finding a more suitable phrase or eliminating the quotes) feelings.

Once again it would take two years for me to be O.K. with the whole church. I couldn’t help it. Now guilt as well as embarrassment welled up within me. I knew I could’ve handled things better. Two years later another incident involving a cell-phone, a birthday party (add comma) and four pubescent boys got us in a lot of trouble. This story must wait for another time.

I simply wish for all to know the truth, (this comma is unnecessary) and that I, (delete comma) may understand my own feelings. By doing this perhaps I may be able to find a certain measure of peace. Irene will forever be in my heart. Though certain incedents drove us father apart, I have never stopped loving her.
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Old 04-03-2007, 09:31 AM
Kory (Offline)
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Miette DuPain, commas seem to be my main problem here. Thanks a lot for you input! I wouldn't have noticed these things if you hadn't pointed them out. If you've noticed, I've gone back and changed what I could.

Your words bring about both encouragement and furtherment. Thanks to your post I can now see that I need to pay a lot more attention to those minor details! You have my most expressed and eloquent thanks!

Thank you Love2Write! I am very glad to know that you like this and can relate to it. My very best regards to you both, Kory.

Last edited by Kory; 04-05-2007 at 08:54 AM..
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Old 04-19-2007, 10:51 AM
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I've worked with these posts a lot. I've tried to eliminate all of my mistakes and use the advice given me. I hope this stuff looks better to you, but if it doesn't please don't hesitate to tell me. I've got all of these posts together now, with one last one coming. Does everyone think this stuff is good enough for a last chapter? Any other suggestions? I'd like to fix everything I can before I post my last piece of this story.

My regards to you all, Kory.
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Old 04-19-2007, 12:50 PM
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I like it... It seems complete enough to me.

It's a very nice story, and the ending is good, it isnt too long but not too short either. It still gives you an "ending" feeling, if you know what I mean (heck, I don't even know what I mean.. I better stop now )
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Old 04-29-2007, 09:41 AM
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Wonderful story. I hope to be reading more of your work.
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Old 05-01-2007, 08:06 AM
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Good Story, I'll be reading the other chapters soon. But the only critique I have is that at the beginning it says 'If you with to find happiness, read some fiction.' I think you meant to put wish.
But other then that it's good.
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