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The Girl I Loved - 3

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Old 03-28-2007, 09:49 AM
Kory (Offline)
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Never had I felt so betrayed. The grief tore at me as I lay crying on the couch. It didn’t take me long to fall asleep. When I woke up Irene was in the shower. The place my head had been on was damp. I went to the kitchen and washed my face. The grief, pain and anger I had felt were now replaced by a dull ache.

After Irene was finished with her shower she went up to her room where she dressed. I sat on the sofa and waited for her to come down. I didn’t have long to wait. When I saw her I knew that she was hurting as much as I was.

When she saw how grim I was her lower lip began to tremble. Not wanting to cry she sat down on the opposite end of the sofa and stared resolutely at the wall. We sat in silence not knowing what to say for almost an hour. I could tell that Irene was thinking. As for me, I didn’t want to think. I only wanted to hear.

Finally, she spoke. Still looking away Irene said, “You…. saw,” she said. I said nothing. “I,..” she faltered. Then she turned her head. I could see the tears that had been silently sliding down her face. When she looked at me her whole body started to tremble. “I,.. Kory I’m,” she couldn’t finish. Tears flowed past Irene’s eyes as she buried her head in her arms. The bitter pain of betrayal still gnawed at me, but I still loved her. And even now, I wished to comfort her.

I moved over next to her and put my arms around her. Irene in turn clung to me and cried into my chest. Over the next hour Irene tried to tell me how it had happened as she lay shaking in my arms. After she had finished with her new bible group, one of the guys had come to her. He had tricked her into eating several euphoric drugs by telling her they were candy. Indeed he had even covered them in a chocolate spreading.

This may seem unbelievable to you. I ask you to remember that she trusted those in her group, and did not believe that they would do anything wrong to her.
Through the tears and shaky voice she told me how he had gotten her intoxicated with alcoholic beverages. They had gone to the meeting hall simply because it was the least likely place where they would be discovered. But worst of all, Irene was now feeling guilt, and shame. Many times she told me that even then, she could’ve stopped. Why? She sobbed, why had she gone along with it?

A couple weeks passed. No one else knew what had happened. However, Irene and I knew that it had to come out. Against her will I got everything I could on the man who had seduced Irene.

I don’t know how, but he found out what we were up to. Somehow he found out that I was getting ready to bring him to court. In our youth, neither of us comprehended what would come of this. Can a person like the one who drugged and seduced be forgiven? This we had already discussed. We thought the answer to be yes, though the consequences must come.

However, the question I never asked was, can the man who drugged Irene and seduced her, be trusted? If only I had asked myself that question first.
Without knowing it, I spent the last evening I would ever spend with Irene.

The plan was that I would stay over and have dinner with her, go to the church, pray and return to our homes. Dinner was fine; Irene and I liked to cook meals together. Conversation around the table was sparse. Irene’s family knew what had happened, and for some reason it made them uneasy to have me around. After we watched a movie, I used my key to get into the church. There we knelt before the altar and gave ourselves up to prayer. It was approximately 8:45 when it was time for us to part.

“I have to go now, Irene.” I had said. She nodded. I kissed her and started to leave when she turned and spoke. “Korinth, have I destroyed our relationship?” She said with her lip trembling.
I could tell she was trying not to cry. Feeling protective I walked over to her and held her.
“I love you Irene.” I said. “No matter what you’ve done, I love you, even as God does, and always will.” Her last words I will remember forever.
“I love you Kory.” She said, “More now than ever before.”
I bent over and kissed her gently on the mouth, and left. She had already asked to be alone for a little while. So I left.

I was fast asleep when Irene’s father called at 12:17
Irene had not come home. Grouping around to find the light switch I told him that I had left her at the church. He questioned me further, and then hung up unsatisfied. Fear gripped me, and rightly so. I wasn’t going to sit around worrying. Irene was missing and I was going to find her. I had just received my drivers’ license so I could legally drive to the church. I was on my way out the door when the phone rang again.

"Yeah?" I said.
"Korinth Clark," the voice on the other end said.
"That's me. What do you want at 12:35?"
"You need to come to the church. The girl we love is in danger."
"What!?" I exclaimed. But the line had gone dead.

I admit it would've been far better for me to call the police before I left, but the ominous phone call had left me terribly worried.

My keys were already in my hand. I ran. I slammed the door open, jumped out and hit the ground running in one move. My Ford pickup was in the turn-around driveway right in front of my. I ripped open the cab door, jammed my keys into the ignition, put it into Drive and slammed my foot down on the accelarator as I yanked the door shut.

To this very moment I'm not quite sure how I survived that reckless drive. Several times I came extremely close to tipping the whole car over when I went from 90 to 30mph in the crossroads. I was so focused on my driving I never even saw the cop that was trying to get me to pull over.

I made it to the church in record time. I jammed my foot down on the brakes and pulled the steering wheel at the same time. The tires screeched as they left black marks in the wide lot. Before the truck came to a complete stop I shoved the door open and jumped out. Upon hitting the ground I stumbled and fell, hard. Dragging myself up I looked through the glass double doors of the church. The light was on and I could hardly believe what it was that I saw.

Someone in a Barney suit was holding a knife to Irene's throat. There was not time for thought, only act. I headed for the doors at a dead run. I could tell the door was locked by the angle of the long bar handle. There was only one fast way for me to break my way in. At the right moment I leapt into the air and delievered the door a flying kick. It broke the lock, and my foot in the process. The door gave way before me and I crashed through to the other side.

The person inside the Barney suit seemed suprised at my actions. Irene was throughly subdued and lay propped up against a wall. She was unconscious. I staggered to my feet and tried to take a step forwards. My foot burned and pain seared up my leg at the action. Irene's hands and feet were bound and a gag was secured tightly around her mouth. Tears welled up in my eyes as anger and rage burned my heart. Limping forwards I clenched my fists and shouted "Let her go!"

I could see the person's eyes through Barney's hollow eye sockets. The glittered with triumph, though I could hardly see why. Without even trying to make a bargain or tell me to do something he deftly drew the knife away from Irene. Only to plunge it into her heart. I screamed in horror. Irene tried to scream but the sound was muffled by the gag.

Bellowing like a bull I charged the man. I didn't notice that the person left his knife in Irene and drew another one. Nor did I think of its significance. I met him in a flying tackle. Twisting, I used my left elbow to deflect the knife thrust that came at my heart. The knife only grazed my side as I crashed into him. Using my fists I proceeded to beat the person with all my strength. Truly, I would have killed him that way if he hadn't drawn that third knife and plunged it into my chest.

My flailing fists stopped pounding the man as I gasped for breath. In that moment the person under me caught my jaw in a hard punch. The blow nocked me over to one side. As I struggled to get up I felt one of his costumed hands grip my arm and the other stick a syringe into it. I fought to retain consciousness but blackness overwhelmed my mind. I was barely aware of how the person was putting my own hands over the two knives. The one on Irene and the other on myself.

It was strange. I could see my own arm going all the way up to between Irene's breasts, around the knife thrust there. The last thing I remember was looking at Irene and wishing that I would die indeed. From the look on her eyes, I could tell that she was dead.

[This is some major editing I've done. I hope you guys enjoy it! There's some other stuff that needs to get done here, but I have to go now. I'll edit it some more later. Once again, all input and advice is welcome. My best regards to you all, Kory]


Last edited by Kory; 04-05-2007 at 10:25 AM..
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Old 03-29-2007, 06:06 AM
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Its ok, a bit too cry-your-heart for my liking but you hold it together well enough.

I think I have read too many of these kinds of stories now though, so its not really my cup of tea I'm afraid.
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Old 03-29-2007, 02:08 PM
Kory (Offline)
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Yeah I know what you mean. It is a bit too much POOR ME!
I'll try writing something like this sometime else. I might be able to fix the low quality.
As always I really appreciate your helpful comments,

Thanks, Kory!
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Old 04-01-2007, 08:11 AM
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OK! I'm back for more. In less than five minutes.

Never had I felt so betrayed. The grief tore at me as I lay crying on the couch. It didn’t take me long to fall asleep. When I woke up Irene was in the shower. The place my head had been on was damp. I went to the kitchen and washed my face. The grief, pain (add comma) and anger I had felt were now replaced by a dull ache.

After Irene was finished with her shower she went up to her room where she dressed. I sat on the sofa and waited for her to come down. I didn’t have long to wait. When I saw her I knew that she was hurting as much as I was.

When she saw how grim I was her lower lip began to tremble. Not wanting to cry she sat down on the opposite end of the sofa and stared resolutely at the wall. We sat in silence not knowing what to say for almost an hour. I could tell that Irene was thinking. As for me, I didn’t want to think. I only wanted to hear.

Finally, she spoke. Still looking away Irene said, “You…. saw,” she said. I said nothing. “I, (<remove comma) ..” she faltered. Then she turned her head. I could see the tears that had been silently sliding down her face. When she looked at me her whole body started to tremble. “I,(<remove comma).. Kory I’m,” she couldn’t finish. Tears flowed past Irene’s eyes as she buried her head in her arms. The bitter pain of betrayal still gnawed at me, but I still loved her. And even now, I wished to comfort her.

I moved over next to her and put my arms around her. Irene in turn clung to me and cried into my chest. Over the next hour Irene tried to tell me how it had happened as she lay shaking in my arms. After she had finished with her new bible (capitalize) group, one of the guys had come to her. He had tricked her into eating several euphoric drugs by telling her they were candy. Indeed he had even covered them in a chocolate spreading.

This may seem unbelievable to you, my reader, but I ask you to remember that she trusted those in her group, and did not believe that they would do anything wrong to her.
Through the tears and shaky voice she told me how he had gotten her intoxicated with alcoholic beverages. They had gone to the meeting hall simply because it was the least likely place where they would be discovered. But worst of all, Irene was now feeling guilt, (remove comma) and shame. Many times she told me that even then, she could’ve stopped. Why? She sobbed, why had she gone along with it?

A couple weeks passed. No one else knew what had happened. However, Irene and I knew that it had to come out. Against her will I got everything I could on the man who had seduced Irene.

I don’t know how, but he found out what we were up to. Somehow he found out that I was getting ready to bring him to court. In our youth, neither of us comprehended what would come of this. Can a person like the one who drugged and seduced be forgiven? This we had already discussed. We thought the answer to be yes, though the consequences must come.

However, the question I never asked was, can the man who drugged Irene and seduced her, be trusted? If only I had asked myself that question first.
Without knowing it, I spent the last evening I would ever spend with Irene.

The plan was that I would stay over and have dinner with her, go to the church, pray and return to our homes. Dinner was fine; Irene and I liked to cook meals together. Conversation around the table was sparse. Irene’s family knew what had happened, and for some reason it made them uneasy to have me around. After we watched a movie, I used my key to get into the church. There we knelt before the altar and gave ourselves up to prayer. It was approximately 8:45 when it was time for us to part.

“I have to go now, Irene.” I had said. She nodded. I kissed her and started to leave when she turned and spoke. “Korinth, have I destroyed our relationship?”
I could tell she was trying not to cry. Feeling protective I walked over to her and held her.
“I love you Irene.” I said. “No matter what you’ve done, I love you, even as God does, and always will.” Her last words I will remember forever.
“I love you Kory.” She said, “More now than ever before.”
I bent over and kissed her gently on the mouth, and left. She had already asked to be alone for a little while. So I left (repetative, I suggest getting rid of "and left" in the first sentence of this paragraph).

I was fast asleep when Irene’s father called at 12:17
Irene had not come home. Grouping (groping?) around to find the light switch I told him that I had left her at the church. He questioned me further, and then hung up unsatisfied. Fear gripped me, and rightly so. I wasn’t going to sit around worrying. Irene was missing and I was going to find her. I had just received my drivers’ license so I could legally drive to the church. I was on my way out the door when the phone rang again.

After a moment I hung up. It couldn’t be true. Yet Irene’s father had no reason to lie, and the grief in his voice was real. Irene had been murdered. Her body had been found in a utility closet. She had been stabbed to death.

I didn’t feel pain, anger (add comma) or sorrow. I was completely numb. I didn’t eat anything for three days. When the phone wouldn’t stop ringing I disconnected all the lines. On the morning of the fourth day policemen broke down the door to my apartment. I hardly noticed. They seemed to be surprised when they saw me there, but arrested me all they same.

I spent two weeks in jail. During that time certain people came to talk to me. I answered few questions. She was dead, and life was no longer worth living. After two weeks I was put on trail for murder. I had a lawyer, my family had hired him. Evidence was heavy against me. I had the motive to kill her. Being betrayed by the girl I had loved forever, it seemed quite plausible that I might want revenge. I can’t deny that I had opportunity, means, and motive.

I spent that trial in silence. The outcome was in God’s hands. My lawyer worked hard to save me but without my voice, the punishment was inevitable. I was convicted guilty and sentenced to fifteen years of prison. Though the prospect was bleak, I could hardly feel anything about it.

I had given so much of my soul to Irene. When she died, much of me went with her. I am prisoner 798251. I loved (add comma or get rid of "loved" OR "have always loved) have always loved (add comma) Irene. Unfailingly, ("and" instead of comma) unfalteringly, (remove comma) true, now and forever. I am in my fourth year already. I don’t know how I survived when I didn’t care if I did or not. I believe that there are still people calling for another trial. I have talked with certain people. Though I may serve my complete sentence, I refuse to give up. I will always remember Irene Rendes, but I must go on. There is still work here on earth that must be done before I may join her.

I am innocent of the crime I am convicted of. This is the truth. The decision whether or not to believe it is yours alone.

Irene Rendes, the sparkling jewel, angel of my heart, the girl I loved.

[This is all I have. I get the feeling it needs something else but I don't know what. All comments are most welcome!, Kory.]
Awwwww...-sniffle sniffle-
But I think what you're missing is that there seems to be a lack of detail or emotion at finding out that she was murdered. Illustrate his pain and heartache upon hearing the news. And during the trial. Hope this helps! Best of writing to you.
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Old 04-02-2007, 06:08 PM
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Miette DuPain, Your insight and advice are greatly appreciated! I wasn't aware of my comma errors, in the future I'll think more about them. You are absolutely right. I kind of tapered off at the end. I'll see if I can put in some more emotion into the parts you mentioned without actually saying it.

You know, describing his grief in actions and other ways than, "the grief stabbed at his heart"
Thanks again! You have given me things both to think and 'work' about.

My very best regards, Kory.
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Old 04-05-2007, 08:41 AM
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i think it is good i do think it would sound better if you add something else in like he gets out on early parole and the problems he has and maybe have him comfromt the guy who acually kille Irene
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Old 04-05-2007, 08:46 AM
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Thanks. Today I will work some more on editing my posts. Then I can think about maybe revising the story to a more satisfactory fourth chapter.

I am most grateful for you input kellykat!
My regards, Kory.
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Old 04-10-2007, 11:52 AM
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I love the story and the setting, I can't wait to read more...

I agree that it needs to have more describing of emotion. It seems a little rushed near the end, if you know what I mean.
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Old 04-10-2007, 01:21 PM
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It is completely rushed. I try to get these things out but I share this computer with several other people so time on it is spaced. The time I have is meted out and I have much to do in such small amounts of time.

Thank you everyone for you input! I like to know that there are people who like what I write while they have comments on how I can improve.

All of your words (even the negative ones) encourage me. As always I will do my best to improve through your help and comments.

My very best regards to you all, Kory.
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Old 04-15-2007, 02:42 PM
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After reading this revised version I could only think to myself "Well some one must have had bad experiences with Barney as a child."
I like it, it adds to the whole factor of insanity brought up in the next chapter.
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Old 04-16-2007, 12:59 PM
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Well, I didn't have a bad experience with Barney in my childhood. I just thought he was really, really stupid. Even when I was three. Still, that's not why I put it in.

Who's going to believe a raving drunk that Barney killed his girlfriend?

My utmost regards, Kory.
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Old 04-16-2007, 03:40 PM
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Exactly as I stated, that whole added insanity factor. Nice touch.
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Old 04-17-2007, 08:43 AM
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Thank you. I thought the whole idea of putting Barney in there was rather ludicrous, but I did it anyway. Barney turned evil!!
My regards, Kory.

P.S. I like your latin words of Veni, Vidi, Vici. I came, I saw, I conquered is quite appropriate for writers.
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Old 04-17-2007, 03:53 PM
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He turned evil!? Well this is news to me...I always thought he just was evil. Actually, when I was little, my best friend's older brother told me that Barney was just a guy in a suit who kept a bottle of brandy in there with him. It's really too bad I didn't know what brandy was when I was 4 years old...
~Miette

P.S.: Thank you. Veni, Vidi, Vici is my life motto.
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Old 04-18-2007, 06:23 AM
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Yes, it's a shame we didn't know more when we were four.

Veni, Vidi, Vici is a great motto. It says a lot about your personality that it's your life's motto.

I think I need to find a signature. Hmm, I get to that later.

Kory.
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Old 04-29-2007, 10:07 AM
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Poor Irene.
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Old 05-01-2007, 08:36 AM
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Again it's good, some stuff that could be fixed. But one of the major things that I can remember off the top of my head is, what happened to the cop? He said that a cop was trying to pull him over but the cop never does anything else.
And also maybe the second phone call, the one from the guy in the Barney suit I assume, should maybe be a little bit more menacing to justify Kointh's rushing to the church like that. Because as it was I wouldn't have feaked out like that.
But otherwise nice job.
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Old 05-03-2007, 05:56 PM
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I will get to work right away. I like to tweak my stories. Thanks everyone for your help and input, it has all been very encouraging!

My best regards, Kory.

Sorry guys. The Girl I Loved 5 was not out "next week" Next month will have to suffice. I'm almost done with it. Kory.

Last edited by Kory; 06-05-2007 at 06:34 PM..
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