It was June. My family had organised to go to my sisters Debutante ball. Unfortunately I had been sick and couldn't attend. I would have said something like, "I was too sick to go to my sisters debutante ball, so I was home alone." Organised is a weird word to explain her parents attending the ball. Also, telling the reader it's in June may not be necessary.
I was looking for something in the kitchen when I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror. There I was in my grey T-shirt and black tracksuit pants. My long blond hair was dry, lifeless and could do with a brush. My plump lips were cracked. The skin around my nose was red and flaky from all the tissues I had been using. I wasn't looking my best. At least I still had my cheekbones though. Is this chick admiring her cheekbones or does she suffer from leprosy? I would lose the bit about the cheekbones.
began grinding the brush over my teeth. Sometimes my sister and I would have competitions on who could make the most foam from brushing their teeth. She usually won. She was always so competitive. I guess that’s why she was so good at everything. fun and hygenic! now, that's a good time!
I swayed through my door frame and into my bed. I liked that sentence.
It wasn't long till I was asleep. My dream was like a montage of images. Most of the images were filled with these dark flower like creatures. They reminded me of hanging flowers. But black. But then the images began to rapidly change. A golden heart shaped locket was hanging off the neck of someone. I couldn't quite picture their face. The harder I tried the more hazy the image came. I head heard?
two knocks and the images imploded into this black eerie smoke. I was grasping for air but it kept filling my lungs. My eyelids ripped open and I sat up, panting for air. I patted down my chest to make sure I was okay.
“Hello,” I choked in my sickly voice. There were two young men in the Victorian police uniform. victorian police uniform? I don't understand. Is that the name of the town?
“Unfortunately no. But we're going to have to ask you to come with us to confirm their identities,” the one on the right said. I nodded, grabbed my jacket and rushed out the door towards their car. When we got to the morgue they lead me to the bodies. There were only two of them.
little story telling issue here, the cops didn't do a great job breaking the news to her. I would focus more on that scene. Do some role play in your head. Try to make it more real.
“When was the expected crash?” I asked. realisticly I don't think a teenage girl would ask that. First question should have been, where is my sister?
Hopeful that my sister was okay at least.
“Around 11:40pm” one of the cops said. I looked over to them.
“There should have been three of them,” I said. They exchanged looks once again. I looked back at the bodies and ripped the sheet off one of them. The face was all mangled but it was definitely my mother. I'd try to make the character come across as more devastated and shocked. you're narration is too casual.
Tears poured out of my eyes. I turned to the other body. When I ripped the sheet off they would have removed the sheets for her.
I could hardly tell where the face was. It was mangled beyond recognition. It looked as if some kind of vicious animal had mauled his face and torso. I looked at the officers and spotted their shocked expressions. It was as if they had never seen bodies in this kind of state before and I hope for their sake they never have to again.
“I wouldn't say okay but she's alive,” the officer said. again, these people get SOME training on how to deal with family members ... That is a horrible thing to say to this girl.
“Can I see her?” I asked. They got me to sign a few forms and decided I was free to go as I had done everything needed. Free to go with no legal guardian! What state does this take place in?
They escorted me to the hospital. Oh1 They escorted her? Cool! I'd lose the other sentence then.
I'm not sure of the name but the outside walls were orange. orange walls? bold choice!
I hated hospitals. My mother used to always say that, “You go into a hospital with one issue and leave with a dozen,” and she was right half the time. I went to the service desk.
“How may I help you,” The woman behind the counter asked.
“I'm looking for a patient. Her name is Ashlee Rhades,” I said.
“Are you a relative?” She asked in her deep husky voice.
“We're twins,” I said. I think she would have said sister, or twin sister. it would be better if you told the reader they were twins at the very begining. When you mentioned the ball.
The woman took a deep breath, (uh oh, that's not good ... )
stood up and lead me to the room where my sister was located. She was attached to so many different things. A heart rate monitor. A drip. There were a lot of things I didn't know as well which I can only assume was some kind of life support system.
Everything I put in green was very well written. Great work! Really real!!!
“Is she okay?” I asked the woman. She sighed.
“I doubt she'll even wake up,” the woman walked out of the room. Nobody would say that!!!
This was obviously nothing new to her. She said it so casually. yeah, but she's a bitch! She should be fired!
I went to speak but the women turned and walked out of the room. I turned to face my sister. Even with the stitches on her face she still looked beautiful. I sat on the chair next to her. I couldn't even cry. There was this overwhelming feeling suffocating me just like in my dream. No It wasn't a dream. It was an omen.
A man in a khaki suit walked into the room. He was slightly chubby and shared the grim expression with almost everyone else I had seen that day.she could see the future!? Awesome!!!
“Well you're only sixteen and so I'm here to make sure you're looked after,” he said. I slightly smiled a bitter smile. That sentence is clumbsy. I'd junk it.
“You mean foster care right?” I said.
“Well your parents have written in their will that if anything happens to them you and your sister are to go to England to live with your Grandfather. Your sister of course in incapable in her state. You on the other hand are fine to go,” he said. I was astounded. That's happening a little bit quick but I like the story telling device ...
“England? You want me to go to England? Better yet. You want me to leave Ashlee?” I was so angry. As if they were going to separate us when we had already lost our parents. How ungrateful! I've wanted to go to England my whole life! She doesn't realize how lucky she is/OH RIGHT, DEAD PARENTS, forgot about the dead parents ...
“We should go,” he said. I felt a tear leak out of my eye. I leaned down and kissed my sister on the head. I knew it was no use fighting. These people follow a system that takes you by force. In real life, they probably would have kept the kid in the States, and the Relative would have flown over. If the relative could not travel there for some reason, friends of the family would watch over the kid while plans were being made.
I have a small problem with saying the "system takes you by force" for that reason.
We left and headed to my home. how about just, "headed home."
Brian wanted me to only get my necessities and sentimental objects as I only have so much luggage space. I barely remember the next day. I don't know if it was that I was traumatised or just plain numb but nothing seemed to sink in. I was just following the motions.
It wasn't till I was on the plane that I realised that this was all real and that there would be no going home. I didn't know if I would ever see Ashlee again. A man sat next to me on the plane. We had been in the plane for about three hours when he spoke to me. also unrealistic, the social worker wouldn't take her home and force her to pack. And she wouldn't be on a plane the next day with her sister in a coma.
“So what Brings you to England?” He asked. "You're never gonna fucking belive it," I told him."
I smiled awkwardly. I decided its best not to tell the full story especially to a stranger.
“Just moving to my Grandfather's,” I said. I looked out of the window. The view was beautiful. Crystal clear skies with light bouncing off the water particles. I'm not sure if they actually are water particles of just the hight light?
screwing with my body but they looked pretty none the less. Its ironic how so much tragedy can happen and yet there still be some beauty left in the world.
The plane began to land. I pulled out a stick of gum and began chewing it. I'm not sure why but it help pop my ear when landing. All the people left the plane and so I followed them like cattle getting ready to be slaughtered. that doesn't really work here. Bad analogy. metaphor? What do you call that?
I waited for my bag. While waiting I looked at all the people waiting for the beloveds to return home. But who was waiting for me? I grabbed my bag and started patrolling the pick up area. This
“Not at all. I am but a mere butler,” yes! There's a butler!!!
there was something warm about this man. He made me feel a little better somehow. But suddenly his face hardened and he seemed like he was a totally different person. Cold.
“So where are we going?” I asked.
“Your grandfather is headmaster at Titulus Crucis Academy where you shall be attending,” he said. boarding school!? Awesome!!!
He turned on his heel. I pulled my case behind me and continued asking questions.
“So, my grandfather. Is he nice?” I asked.
“I'll let you be the judge of that. Now I assume you brought your mobile and other gadgets. Those things are forbidden at the academy,” he said. Michael Kane is the butler, I've already made up my mind ...
“We have no use for such abominations,” he said almost as if he was offended. When does this take place, 1920!?
The trip to the school was so awkward that neither of us spoke the whole time. I just sat there in thought. What kind of world was I being thrown into and would I survive it?