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Is texting cheating?

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  #31  
Old 08-24-2012, 11:07 PM
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I agree. I don't see anything here to indicate you're acting immaturely. Quite the contrary.

I also think somebody telling you you're messing up because your inlaws watch you is uncalled for.

I don't think your question here is whether texting is cheating. I think you were looking for some clarity and/or support.

There are always two sides to these things and we only get one of them. But I don't see any reason to doubt what you're telling us.

You learn not to give anybody any major advice on what to do in their relationship, but just as a human constant, I would think you'd want to clear things up.

I.e.
It's your right to communicate with people, especially in a totally non-physical manner.
Accusations of cheating and messing around are serious shit and you'll take them as such. Cut the silly crap and get to the real stuff.
His suspicions make you suspect that he's cheating and you want to know about that, especially given his lack of honesty in the past.
The more he bugs you about this, the more suspicious you will become.

Above all, I wish you good luck with this. It sounds like something that could get ugly unless everybody takes pains to keep things cool and, above all, mutually honest.

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  #32  
Old 08-25-2012, 12:23 AM
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If it is important for you to know then find out - get a private detective or investigate yourself.

However, I'd work out how important it is for you to know one way or the other.
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  #33  
Old 08-25-2012, 01:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Kylark1129 View Post
You know....everyone keeps telling me to grow up, the suspicion of your spouse cheating isn't exactly immatuirity. 40 year olds cheat and suspect each other as well. It's a human instinct to fear betrayal.

I don't think it's you being childish.
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  #34  
Old 08-25-2012, 05:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Kylark1129 View Post
You know....everyone keeps telling me to grow up, the suspicion of your spouse cheating isn't exactly immatuirity. 40 year olds cheat and suspect each other as well. It's a human instinct to fear betrayal.
Well, I guess in the light of day, I can see that it’s mostly your husband who needs to grow up. I suppose I was reacting to the whole set up -- that you started off asking about the texting issue when that’s just the tip of the iceberg -- just a symptom of a much bigger problem. A few people gave you straightforward answers to what they thought was the problem – and then you launched into this thing about nude pictures and scratches on the back etc. revealing the real issues. I’m sorry -- but that was a real eyeball-roller to me and didn’t exactly scream maturity -- and I’m kind of a stickler for presentation.

And this reason you gave for texting men really put me off too – it sounds childish and skewed:

I don't have any girlfriends because every girl in my area is a back biting, treacherous, skeeving bitch.
Everyone else glossed over it -- but that sounds pretty suspect and implausible to me. You live somewhere where you can come across guys you want to text – but all the women are bitches? Do you work? Don’t your children go to school? Do you go to church or do anything else outside the home where there are other women present who aren't bitches? How is this possible? There are no women anywhere that you can text, even old friends -- so your only alternative is to text men? That's your rational?

And usually, when someone makes a blanket statement like this one about a group of people -- they’re not seeing something about themselves. If you don’t have any friends because ALL the women in your “area” are bitches toward you -- then I’d say there’s a distinct possibility that you’re the problem. If not immaturity -- then that shows a certain lack of self-awareness and it made me skeptical of everything that followed.

Otherwise, the guy sounds like a classic type -- immature, insecure, jealous. Can’t stand up to mommy and daddy or break with them and side with his wife. That’s bullshit -- and from what I’ve seen -- an almost impossible pattern to break. As you likely know, extreme jealousy is all about insecurity and when it comes to relationships, it’s poison. On top of that, the guys demonstrated he’s a lair and can’t be trusted -- so there’s little reason for you not to be suspicious given the evidence and his track record.

Like I said, the texting thing is just a symptom. I email and IM my women friends, but when it comes down to it, even though I have complained a little about her, I don't say anything that I wouldn't want my wife to read. Fits in with my rule of thumb, if you're doing something and you don't want your spouse to know about it -- you probably shouldn't be doing it. That's the root cause of an issue we're working through now -- all on me, by the way -- so I don't always follow my own advice.

Counseling would be great, but he doesn’t sound like the type who would ever go for it -- because for it to work, you have to be willing to look at yourself and accept your part in things. If you got him there, I’d bet any amount of money he’d be convinced you and the counselor were ganging up on him. That’s usually how it goes. Too bad, because I know from experience that sitting down in front of a neutral party can do wonders -- and a good counselor can show you how to communicate and solve problems on your own.

But if he won’t go, you should. Not only do you need some solid advice from a neutral, knowledgeable party -- I’ve seen that when one spouse goes, it can be a serious wake-up call for the other. Sometimes he'll be driven to go because he's afraid that if his wife gets clued in to what’s really happening, she will leave. I’m betting you have some issues too and that it’s all not him. I also know from experience that a support group of some kind can be a really big help. And you really need one – formal or not. Isolation will only lead to you doubting and second guessing yourself -- and you don't really need that.

I don’t know if your problems are surmountable or not, but you need to take action -- even if that means going to the bookstore or library and looking at books that have to do with marriage and communication. You need to do something so that you can start to put things in perspective, so you can feel better about yourself -- and so you can put together a plan -- one that might include an exit strategy because it might come down to you laying down an ultimatum -- and that has to have teeth.

OK – I apologize for telling you to grow up. I was completely out of patience when I got to your thread. I rarely write big long-winded posts, but I thought I owed you some serious consideration.

Last edited by JoeMatt; 08-25-2012 at 05:38 AM..
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  #35  
Old 08-25-2012, 06:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Kylark1129 View Post
You know....everyone keeps telling me to grow up, the suspicion of your spouse cheating isn't exactly immatuirity. 40 year olds cheat and suspect each other as well. It's a human instinct to fear betrayal.
When I said there's a lack of maturity, I said it was in your tone. I didn't call you immature. Maybe that label fits your husband better.

And what I mean by your tone is how you talk about your situation and the people around you. You judged the other girls in your area and called them skeezy bitches I think it was, which is pretty judgemental. Regardless of who these girls are, it's not your business or place to judge them because maybe they have their own hassles in life that manifests itself in their behaviour. Have you thought about how your frustration with your husband and home situation is manifesting in yours? You also show a lack of maturity in how you're handling your husband attitude towards you. Instead of doing what he says and stopping talking to some of your friends and getting bitchy about blowing f-bombs at him, or whatever it was you said in frustration, sit him down like the adults you both are and ask him about it.

If you guys don't start talking and behaving as adults now, what chance do either of you have at lasting a lifetime together in your marriage? Not that I'm an expert on that, but I do have a few years more life experience than you and when it comes to dealing with difficult situations, talking them out like adults is always preferable to denial, submitting to the other's wishes for an easy life or avoiding the issue altogether or acting like a couple of apoiled brats and sniping at each other.

Edit; ech, I think Joe said everything much better. I should have read his post first. Sorry about that, and feel free to ignore me.
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  #36  
Old 08-25-2012, 06:48 AM
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You guys don't know my past record with girls around here, which is completely understandable.
Let me clarify a few things that I left out, and I am very sorry for leaving out.
I was homeschooled from the fifth grade upwards. My father was very vey sick, so my mother worked and we had to teach ourselves. After beginning homeschooling, everyone of my friends turned there back on me and my sisters. We were losers. After that I became kind of untrusting toward people.
When we hit the age to be able to go out and hang with friends and go on dates, I found that my guy friends were a million times more honest and trustworthy.
Throughout my 24 years I have made tons of friends, but all of the girls in my life either tried to screw my boyfriend, we're thieves, liars, whores and downright cruel people. I met my friend Mitch when I was 14. He has stayed in my life and by my side for ten years. I can NOT say the same for ANY of the girls in my life.
My sister is even now going through a problem with a girl we though was an old friend, turns out she was using my sister for a house to take her boyfriends to screw them because she didn't want her mother knowing. She also put my kids at risk by leaving mixed drinks in the door of the fridge in a minute maid juice bottled with no signs on it that stated it was alcoholic!
Throughout the years my sisters have had to kick girls to the curb for trying to sleep with their men, a couple succeeded.
Even my little sister is one girl I would have put out of my life a LONG time ago had we not shared the same blood.
She slept with two of my older sister's husbands and fooled around sexual with one of my ex-boyfriends.
Girls love drama, I HATE drama!!! I HATE it!!!!

My husband takes the car to work, so I have no way of going anywhere, anyone coming up here; my hysband's dad rides up here to find out who it is. I CAN NOT CHEAT!! Yet, he continues accusing me of it.
Maybe this IS a matter of insecurity on his part, but you know what? I had a good body before having our kids! My body is now riddled from chest to knees in stretch marks and that damn excess skin on my stomach. If anyone should be self - conscious, it should be me!!
As you have said, I know this sounds childish, but this is genuinely a problem for me.
I am trapped in my own home with in-laws that I would love to watch die a slow painful death, two kids that I love, but every now and then need a break from, AND HE ACCUSES ME OG CHEATING!!!!!
OH! And, throw in the fact that he LITERALLY doesn't touch unless he has a hard-on and that's my life.
He comes and as he pleases does whatever he wants BUT IM THE ONE CHEATING!
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  #37  
Old 08-25-2012, 07:47 AM
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Why are you married to him?
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  #38  
Old 08-25-2012, 07:59 AM
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Because he has his moments where I see that sweet, loving guy I dated. He wasn't always like this. I try to find reasons why he would have changed, like, he is stressed, he is tired, he is worried about bills, about the kids. I think maybe he directs his frustration on one thing and the more he stresses on something that isn't there, the more real it becomes to him.
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  #39  
Old 08-25-2012, 08:05 AM
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You probably should move.
Maybe he should move with you.
Maybe he doesn't realize how unhappy you are and needs to have it made clear.
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  #40  
Old 08-25-2012, 08:12 AM
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If you had said, I feel like I'm trapped, no money, no place to take my kids -- that would be one thing -- and it sounds like it might be true. That your first take is, "He has his moments" sounds a little delusional to me.

It sounds like you're in an abusive relationship -- and that doesn't have to be physical. And his parents are in on it too. The whole thing sounds utterly dysfunctional and untenable. I have no idea how you get out of something like that other than just leave -- maybe go to a shelter, if you're really serious about seeing things change.
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  #41  
Old 08-25-2012, 08:43 AM
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Or at least mention that you're considering it as an option if things don't get straightened out.
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Old 08-25-2012, 09:01 AM
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("...I enjoy the company of the other posters here, precisely because it is anonymous..." mentioned the goblin who was quite intimate with his thoughts and feelings, saying "...either way, best avoid texting as simply it pinpoints the other person where there is no anonymity since the cellphone records who where and when, and yet forumland allows you to be yourself quite beyond the permission of your spouse, moreover, something you probably won't appreciate at your age is that one's persona on forumland never ages, meaning your ability to converse intimately like this gets better with the practice of it, no lonely old age...)
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  #43  
Old 08-25-2012, 09:35 AM
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Try to get in touch with the human services for your area and see what options you might have if you left. They could set you up with food stamps, rent vouchers, and cash assistance for you to get out from underneath him and look for ways to move on.

Just an option if it has to go that far.

With the relationship, it almost sounds like emotional/mental abuse. It really needs to change--you need to put your foot down on that--especially since there are kids involved. Like I've always told my friends when they were in bad relationships, if nothing changed between the two of you--and you only had the glimpses of happiness--could you spend the rest of your life in the exact situation you're in now? If the answer is no, you need to do whatever you can to change it or leave.

Find some resources--talk to an attorney that offers free consultations even. Just get info, info, info on what options you have. The first step is to figure out you aren't stuck. It'll give you some empowerment and make you feel like you might have some more control over your life. If your husband/father-in-law find out then go ahead and tell them exactly what's going on and don't be ashamed of it. They'll either take you seriously, or accuse you of stuff--but either way, you'll be able to figure out if things will change or not.
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  #44  
Old 08-25-2012, 09:39 AM
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And don't make a secret of talking to those social services.

I would say that your hubby needs to start getting things aligned a little, making a decision about dealing with you straight in order to keep you.

PLEASE keep in mind that any advice you get here is coming through a huge filter.
Maybe the big value is just venting your feelings. Maybe you get some new ideas.
But nobody here can really know what you should do.
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  #45  
Old 08-25-2012, 09:49 AM
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That's for sure. And given how the picture has unfolded, I'm betting there's a lot more to it.
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  #46  
Old 08-25-2012, 12:26 PM
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There is...I just wish I could have my husband back...the man that truly cared about me, rather than turning every ache and pain I have into a competition of his own, trying like the dickens to find proof (that is not there) of any infedelity on my part, the man that used to kiss my cheek and tell me I was beautiful everyday rather than only touch me when he wants sex.
I know after the episode with my daughter nearly dying on me, I have become a totally different person, but I make sure I show him love and respect every single day. It's just returned.
I miss him so much. Maybe you guys are right, maybe if I pack my things and leave it might put a boot in his ass and get to start changing things. I guess what I am most afraid of is that he won't bother because he doesn't care. But then I have to look at it in the light of, if doesn't care, why stay in the first place...like I said; it's human nature to fear rejection and pain.
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  #47  
Old 08-26-2012, 05:31 AM
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Maybe who you’re seeing now is the real guy. It’s a lot easier to be nice and sweet when you’re courting or even in the first few years of marriage before the pressures and responsibilities start to pile up -- and then the reality hits that this is who you’re supposed to be with for the duration and that you actually have to live with this idea of “through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer” etc. Some people don't deal with all that very well.
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Old 08-26-2012, 08:04 AM
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You're getting some good advice here and you should listen. Your relationship sounded abusive to me almost from the first post.

Speaking from experience, get the information you need (as Firefly suggested) and get out. If you think your husband can change then let him know what you're considering. If you think that telling him will just cause him or his family to make it impossible to leave then get out first and then talk.


If you need a push just think of your kids. They're all girls aren't they? They'll learn about relationships by watching their parents. Do you want them to grow up believing its ok to be treated the way you are?

And remember Lins words. Any advice given here is based on our own experiences, not yours. You need to carefully consider what you're going to do next.
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  #49  
Old 08-26-2012, 03:12 PM
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There's a great scene in the film "Parenthood" ( a LOT of wise, cool scenes, actually).

A young woman is feeling like she's being marginalized by her hubby, and that he's turning their daughter into a weird geek, won't listen to anything she says.
She makes a series of flashcards for the kid, shows them to her hubby one at a time. This. Is. The. Only. Way. I. Can. Get. Your. Attention. I. Am. Leaving. You.

I'd say your main task would be a creative one. How to get his attention. How to start talking to him, making your human feelings and situation understood.
If you absolutely can't do that, then it might be time to think about making changes.

One thing you said here: he admitted he'd been lying to you about his sexual experience. Not an easy thing to do, very humiliating.
Maybe he still has that capacity to come clean when the situation demands it.
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Old 08-28-2012, 01:46 PM
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I hope you guys are right. I am going to work this out if it kills me. He is going to choose, once and for all, me or...well, what ever he has without me.
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Old 08-28-2012, 02:33 PM
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I seem to have stumbled onto the set of some dodgy low budget participatory soap opera.

What kind of sick joke is this!?
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Old 08-28-2012, 03:45 PM
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Wow...rude. Unnecessary.
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  #53  
Old 08-28-2012, 05:48 PM
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Absolutely agreed,
What an insensitive asshole.
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Old 08-28-2012, 11:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Lin View Post
Again, I think that super-suspicious behavior indicates that he is screwing around.
That seems quite obvious, I have known men like that.

Looking at it more broadly, if my husband was uncomfortable with me being over-friendly with a guy, I'd back off a little. He's more important to me than anyone else. But then again he doesnt have naked pictures of anyone but me on his phone.

That relationship is in the toilet waiting to be flushed if you ask me.

Your 24 and your marriage looks like a battleground. what do you think it will be like in 20 or 30 years from now?

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Old 08-29-2012, 12:02 AM
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haha.

Woops.

Sorry, but all this serious stranger's advice about a one sided story, agony-aunt-style stuff really turns my stomach.

Don't mind me, carry on.
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Old 08-29-2012, 02:51 AM
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John, sometimes its easier to rant/get advice from strangers than it is from people you know. A little compassion and empathy never hurts.
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Old 08-29-2012, 03:23 AM
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Well, it’s kind of an interesting change from the usual pumped up “big issue” blather that goes on elsewhere.
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Old 08-29-2012, 03:54 AM
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Originally Posted by JoeMatt View Post
Well, it’s kind of an interesting change from the usual pumped up “big issue” blather that goes on elsewhere.
You've changed your tone, ha.

Well here's how I feel.

Originally Posted by JoeMatt View Post
Wow. What childish bullshit. Anyway, here's my advice to the OP and her husband -- grow up.
Originally Posted by JoeMatt View Post


Yep.

Originally Posted by Lin View Post
I agree. I don't see anything here to indicate you're acting immaturely. Quite the contrary.


Originally Posted by JoeMatt View Post
Everyone else glossed over it -- but that sounds pretty suspect and implausible to me.



Just like Joe pointed out, the hyperbole about all females in the area rang major alarm bells of insecurity and paranoia... and insecurity is perpetual and therefore as Joe said I'm betting there's more to it.

Originally Posted by CandraH View Post
When I said there's a lack of maturity, I said it was in your tone.


Which is mainly what we go on when conversing in this manner.

Originally Posted by Lin View Post
There are always two sides to these things and we only get one of them. But I don't see any reason to doubt what you're telling us.


And here's my major problem. Anyone who has been in a relationship filled with animosity and conflict will know that if you were to blindly listen to one side of the story, most likely you'll get a massively skewed version of the situation. The man in question could be on another forum right now having everyone eating out of the palm of his hands with tall tales about his "obviously cheating" wife. Or even complaining of her wild accusations for all we know.

Now that's a controversial view to put forward here I'm sure. But I've seen it enough times to know it's very much a possibility. In fact I'd say, considering I don't know anyone here, it's more acceptable to me to assume massive bias than massive honesty, going by the way things go when listening to one side of the story.

Call me an asshole

Told you I was a sociopath.
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Old 08-29-2012, 04:21 AM
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Yeah -- I changed my tone after I thought about it -- and I acknowledged it -- so what? Although I know it is shocking to see someone on a forum admit when he's wrong.

Of course, we're only getting one side of it -- but it seems like people are conceding she may be exaggerating. That doesn't necessary mean she doesn't have legitimate issues. A counselor only gets one side too -- but it's usually not rocket science to get some idea what might really be going on.

And the one perspective doesn't negate the general advice that may seem obvious to you -- but that hasn't occurred to the OP because she's so close to it.

Otherwise, you're not saying anything that hasn't been taken into consideration.
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Old 08-29-2012, 04:35 AM
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I'm not sure you were wrong, or that you admitted that. Just expressed the same view more in depth and less scathingly.

They both think they're cheating on each other. Clearly.

To me once you consider a private detective it's over. But that's me I'm not one for sitting around wondering whether someone is cheating, it's a horrible pass time. The way I see it, you can't stop someone from doing it... you have to trust them. If you truly can't trust them, then you're really wasting your time.

So as Lin said, cut through the crap. Either both parties grow up, air it out, and bring trust to the forth. Or go your separate ways.

Easier said than done, but no less true.

Otherwise... otherwise... otherwise... what is one to say... as if anyone really cares.

Moral bandwagon.... anyone?

I joke. Sort of.
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