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My Prologue (Fantasy)

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Old 11-08-2015, 02:32 PM
sheania (Offline)
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Default My Prologue (Fantasy)


I know some people have a preference for the specific genre they like to read, so I put that in the title. This will just be the first two paragraphs of my prologue, just to get some of your opinions and feedback on how I can improve (and because I've only got two paragraphs done )

Title: Still working on that ^_^
Word Count 300?
Genre: Fantasy
Recap: None needed yet
Type of Critique: I'd just like a general critique done, my goal here is to improve my writing. So some tips and advice will go a long way for me.

Edit: Alright so I've edited it with a few changes. As far as the throne goes and the appearance of Virdan though, I have yet to figure out a good way to describe them that's concise and smooth. I'll just have to play around with words until I get it right.


“Virdan!” a voice bellowed from his throne which was an old, rotting tree stump, infested with insects. Even sitting down, this beast was intimidating. His canine maw open wide for every spectator to see, drooling a toxic venom from those sharp daggers in his mouth. Long, devil like horns protruded from his thick skull and a mat of black fur covered his body from head to torso, all the way down to his giant, padded paws. “Virdan Syth!”


On his throne, the impatient Belzack gripped the armrests with anticipation. His crimson orbs, peering into the gloom. This was the long awaited moment, the moment he had been anticipating for several decades.


The young demon stepped forward tentatively and out of the gray mists which swirled about his form. Virdan Syth was the lord of demons' son and a denizen of the devil plains of Taghrash. If it weren't for those horns curled tightly against the back of his head, he would appear identical to the demon lord. As a zyrd grows, those horns would gradually uncurl and become long and sharp.


Virdan winced as he noticed a prone form beside his father's throne. He recognized it to be that of a human. Where once this man might have been beautiful, he was now thin and covered in scars. Any mortal that comes here from the material world, would soon find themselves misshapen and grotesque. It was always like this, he knew. Belzack would always bring souls over to this place for his own amusement, whether they were good or bad, it did not matter.


Last edited by sheania; 11-09-2015 at 08:55 PM..
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Old 11-08-2015, 05:24 PM
Walled Cities (Offline)
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First of all, this was a really fun read, thank you for sharing.

I like the characteristics you give the demons, like the unraveling horns, which sound really cool in my opinion. I also like how concise it is, I feel like you could maybe describe the setting more, or where the characters are, while I was reading I didn't know where the demon was emerging from. There was also one spelling error in "scull", but honestly it's nothing. Just remember to use spell check.

Also when you're giving characters dialogue be sure to have their name after the dialogue so the reader knows whose talking, an example:

"I could use a break" said sarah, wiping the sweat of her brow.

You can see who said the dialogue, and what they were doing in that moment in time. Altough later on you did reveal who was speaking.

Anyways, I enjoyed the story creatively, I also like the mythical species you created, I really felt like reading more too, you grabbed my attention and I wanted to see what happens next. Again, thank you for sharing.

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Old 11-08-2015, 05:47 PM
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Thanks for reading and for the advice you gave! I will try to incorporate more of the setting in the first two paragraphs. Um. . . awkward but apparently that is an actual word, which is why my spell checker didn't pick it up ^_^;

scull - an oar mounted on a fulcrum at the stern of a small boat and moved from side to side to propel the boat forward.

Last edited by sheania; 11-08-2015 at 08:18 PM..
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Old 11-09-2015, 02:33 PM
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Originally Posted by sheania View Post

scull - an oar mounted on a fulcrum at the stern of a small boat and moved from side to side to propel the boat forward.

As one who has sculled I must offer a refinement towards your citation.
Sculling is not defined by an oar, it is defined by wiggling anything oarlike (I have used a length of 2 x 4) from the stern to effect forward progress (if the draft is shallow there will be a side to side activity as way is made).

The real question is what term to use when one is drawing the vessel forward with the oar (or whatever) hangin' from the bow.

I was callin' it yawling but I can't find an online definition to support that so it is, for the moment, an act that exists without a definition.

Hmm, curious circumstance, that.
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Old 11-09-2015, 04:31 PM
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Originally Posted by sheania View Post

“Virdan!” a voice bellowed from his throne, an old tree stump which was rotting and infested with various insects (consider "his rotting and infested throne") . Even sitting down, this demon (can we get a name? even if it is "Virdan's father") was intimidating. His canine maw was open wide with some kind of saliva or venom (which is it? - be specific consider just using venom) dripping from the those sharp daggers lining in his mouth Long, devil like (cliché) horns protruded from his thick skull and a mat of black fur covered his body from head to torso and all the way down to his giant, padded paws (this makes him seem more like a kitten than a demon - perhaps claws?). “Virdan Syth!”

The young demon stepped forward tentatively, a gray mist swirled violently around the back paws that kept him standing upright. Virdan Syth was the lord of demons' son, and would appear almost identical if it weren't for those horns curled tightly against the back of his head. As a Zyrd grows, those horns would gradually uncurl and become long and sharp (took me out of the narrative this bit). Looking at his father now, the nearly eight feet tall Zyrd (this is ambiguous, are we referring to Virdan or his father? I would just identify that it is Virdan looking on his father) couldn't help but admire just how terrifying Belzack had become over this past century.
Not a bad start here. Above I have shown how you might consider condensing some parts to make them a little more punchy.

Also not sold on describing how a "Zyrd's" horns unfurl at this point - it took me out of the immediacy of the scene. Perhaps that could be introduced later?

Also should Zyrd be capitalized. It seems like a simple noun to me as it is referring to a species (like cat, unicorn, etc) and not a proper noun?
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Old 11-09-2015, 08:45 PM
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Thanks for your help again, I've actually rewritten some of it already and am about to edit my post with it. I'll most likely add more as well. Although I have to mention, that characters aren't always given a name immediately in the first paragraph.

I have created a second paragraph which names him immediately though, that should clarify it right? And yeah, I'll be sure to fix 'Zyrd' and uncapitalize it. ^_^

As far as scull goes though. I just put one of the definitions down that I found in dictionary.com. Hehe
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