WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


The Right Words

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 07-19-2010, 01:37 PM
Shea Ryhai's Avatar
Shea Ryhai (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 96
Thanks: 25
Thanks 20
Default The Right Words


. : Please Could You Just Stay : .


It's slipping through my fingers yet again.
I'm sorry I could not save you my friend.
Leave it in the past, just let it lie.
I'm ripping up my soul with endless whys.


I never had the right words,
to bring you back to me.
I was never strong enough
to brake your demons free.
I'm sorry for every mistake
that made you turn away.
Please don't let go of me.
Please could you just stay.


Life's an empty place when you are gone.
I've tried to say goodbye but it feels wrong.
I cry when I remember your sweet smile,
and though it hurts I'll hold it for a while.


I'll never find the right words
to tell you how I feel.
If I said sorry 1,000 times
would the pain be less real.
I can't sing this to your grave
cause your so far away.
Please could you let go of me.
Please could you just stay.


I fell in love, I learned to live again.
But I will not forget the past my friend.
And even when they turn their words at me,
your face is the only thing I see.


I may never have the right words
to change your suicide.
But I can tell your story Beth
and I'll fight it with pride.
I'm sorry if I tell it wrong,
and make them turn away.
Please don't let go of me,
Please could you just stay.


My love to you Beth.
I miss you.


By SheaRyhai 2010

__________________
"Here for critique. Not your thumb moving up and down. Give me reasons, examples, they are greatly appreciated."
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-20-2010, 02:45 PM
evilclonier's Avatar
evilclonier (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 564
Thanks: 48
Thanks 69
Default

I couldn't stop reading this, it was so powerful. You've brought across a very emotional subject very well, the reader can feel the sorrow in the lines of poetry.

These are my favourite lines:

Originally Posted by Shea Ryhai View Post
Leave it in the past, just let it lie.
I'm ripping up my soul with endless whys.
I like how you alternate the rhyming structure stanza by stanza, the way you have half the stanzas with one rhyme structure and the others with one rhyming couplet per stanza. This works very well, to me it gives a lyrical quality to the poem.

Overall a very powerful poem on what is such a sad subject. I'm sorry for your loss.
__________________
Commas and Rants are my addictions.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to evilclonier For This Useful Post:
Shea Ryhai (07-21-2010)
  #3  
Old 07-21-2010, 04:40 AM
Puddled (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 41
Thanks: 26
Thanks 13
Default

Very emotional piece.
I like the overall rhythm and the shortness of the lines gives the emotional content more punch I think.
The repetition of the final two lines in verses 2,4,6 is very powerful and drives home the impact of your loss.
A highly evocative and touching poem about what must be a very sad event/time in your life.
I enjoyed it very much.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Puddled For This Useful Post:
Shea Ryhai (07-21-2010)
  #4  
Old 07-21-2010, 04:48 AM
Earlybird's Avatar
Earlybird (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 101
Thanks: 17
Thanks 14
Default

Very touching poem thank you for sharing
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Earlybird For This Useful Post:
Shea Ryhai (07-21-2010)
  #5  
Old 07-21-2010, 06:34 AM
ScribblerKing's Avatar
ScribblerKing (Offline)
Eloquent Troll
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Scribble Town USA
Posts: 346
Thanks: 42
Thanks 59
Default

Way powerful and coming from an obvious place of real emotional ressonace...woah...that's why we write poems...

Just a few suggestions/questions:

Here

to brake your demons free.
Do you mean "break your demons free" as in shatter?

And here I think you need a question mark at the end:

If I said sorry 1,000 times
would the pain be less real?
__________________
"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to ScribblerKing For This Useful Post:
Shea Ryhai (07-21-2010)
  #6  
Old 07-21-2010, 09:22 AM
Shea Ryhai's Avatar
Shea Ryhai (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 96
Thanks: 25
Thanks 20
Default

by Brake I meant set free. Not so much shatter.

Thank you for the comments. As for the (?) use I've never been to sure on that, because its more of a rhetorical question.
__________________
"Here for critique. Not your thumb moving up and down. Give me reasons, examples, they are greatly appreciated."
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-21-2010, 09:41 AM
ScribblerKing's Avatar
ScribblerKing (Offline)
Eloquent Troll
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Scribble Town USA
Posts: 346
Thanks: 42
Thanks 59
Default

Oh, ok. When I see "brake" that means like a car pedal to me but I can see where you are coming from but for me I'm still not so sure it works? Anyway, I do think even a rhetorical question needs a question mark because it is still a question just not one where you expect or want an answer...

This kind of subject is never easy and I applaud you more for sharing it with us.
__________________
"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to ScribblerKing For This Useful Post:
Shea Ryhai (07-21-2010)
  #8  
Old 02-26-2012, 11:25 PM
Estesaaron (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 21
Thanks: 2
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

Wonderful
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Creep World (WIP) MalReynolds Fiction 21 09-07-2017 06:06 AM
Guide to Randominastica - Especially for Humans and Zurgons. hellomoto Fiction 20 01-04-2011 03:21 AM
FALLEN: Chapters 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 (revised) and first 1/2 of 8 PENsive Fiction 11 12-20-2008 10:11 AM
Contest Results l Poetry l Building on Three Words (August 2007) aprilrain Previous Contests 5 09-04-2007 01:31 PM
Sirens Jay Writing Markets 0 06-05-2006 04:37 AM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 07:12 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.