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The Debt (Horror)

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Old 09-19-2017, 09:43 AM
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Default The Debt (Horror)


The shadow moved slowly towards Mitchell. The edges of its body blended in with the shadows surrounding it. If not for the shadow’s movement, it would not be visible at all. Mitchell had nowhere to go. His back was towards the wall of his office, the only escape was the doorway several feet behind the creature. As the beast walked forward a distinct sound of laughing children could be heard, along with the faint sound of chains dragging behind the beast.


In a desperate attempt to escape Mitchell darted forward and faked a leftward lunge before juking back to the right. But the shadow’s reflexes were just too quick.


A thick hand caught Mitchell around the throat and lifted him into the air. Mitchell could feel the needle like nails of the beast digging into his flesh. Blood began to drip from where the finger nails had pierced tissue, running down Mitchell's neck in hot black streams.


Screaming was impossible. The creature held Mitchell tight enough to forbid loud noises, but the grip was not tight enough to fully restrict breathing, which came in rough gasps. The beast wanted him alive. It was enjoying the fear and pain Mitchell was experiencing.


The beast slowly pulled Mitchell towards its face which was hardly visible, only a dull silhouette against the background of black.


A rough tongue slowly licked the flow of blood pumping from Mitchell’s neck. It was a sensual act that made Mitchell’s skin crawl with revulsion; a molestation of the senses and sense of human worth. The tongue slowly explored a path from Mitchell's neck to his right eye, where the rough probing flesh wormed its way under his eye lid and scraped away some of the soft tissue.


The creature’s mouth pressed against Mitchell making an organic suction cup around his eye socket. The sucking sensation was bad at first, but as the intensity of it grew Mitchell gasped in agony. His eye ejected from his skull and the optical nerve that connected the eye to brain was severed with a wet snip of teeth, inducing a sharp and mind numbing pain. Mitchell heard a gelatinous pop in the creature’s mouth as it bit down on the fleshy sphere.


Mitchell struck out with his left foot toward where he thought the beast’s crotch would be. Its body was like stone and Mitchell could feel the bones in his foot crack when he made contact.


The beast sighed in ecstasy, the blow causing it some sadistic pleasure. Its mouth covered Mitchell’s remaining eye and raped the socket like it had done the other.


Now blinded and scourged with pain Mitchell pawed the creature’s face and felt nothing but dry leathery skin. No eye sockets or nose. Just a mouth with sharp teeth that bit into the fingers of his groping hand, severing them at the second knuckle.


A laugh came from the throat of the creature and seemed to not just affect Mitchell’s ears, but reverberated in his mind. The mockery was sent telepathically, conveying to Mitchell just how worthless he was to the beast. It was a simple to understand message: you are a toy to me; a play thing; an insignificant fleshy sack of worthless shit.


The monster cast Mitchell against the wall where he crumpled to the floor in pain.


It was then that Mitchell saw the beast. Although his eyes were removed he could see the creature. No longer masked in shadow. Its face was white as milk and it was naked. There were no gentles dangling between its legs, only a rough patch of hair that was dripping with some type of fluid that smelled like piss. The feet of the beast looked like the cloven hooves of a deer. Sharp finger nails grew in hooked barbs from the slender fingers. The mouth was a gaping black hole with a tongue rolling around its lip-less edges.

But the beast was not alone.

Standing around the beast was eight children, all under eight. Mitchell recognized each one of them. He knew their names and how he had tortured, raped, and killed each one of them; each a victim of his satanic cult. Each a sacrifice to the lord of darkness.


The beast clutched in its hand rusted barbed chains. Men writhed in pain behind the beast, who Mitchell also recognized as members of his cult. They were wrapped from chest to foot in the metal links. Their eyes were gone like Mitchells. But it was obvious they could see him as the empty sockets gazed in his direction. The mouths of the men were all moving yet no sound came out. They were mouthing, “help me.”


The beast slowly walked forward and raked one of his nails down Mitchell’s face, hooking his tongue. He ripped the meat from Mitchell’s mouth and stuffed it into his open maw. The children giggled as if they were watching a fun game.


Chains, which appeared from nowhere, began snaking across the floor and slowly winding their way up Mitchell’s body. He felt the barbed metal pulling lose his flesh, exposing nerve and bone in certain places as it moved upwards. The pain was more than he thought he could ever handle. But no utterance of agony seemed sufficient for the pain he was now facing. Pain he knew he deserved for all the evil deeds he had done.


The beast attached the end of the chain among the others and an old wooden door appeared in the wall. He jerked the men towards the door, the children following close behind and kicking the men as they were pulled like rag dolls.


The beast began singing as he approached the door, his voice raspy and gurgling.


“Yet we shall reap what we sow. Down to the pits and sticks we now go. Gnashing and wailing, but all in good fun. Ye shall regret the things ye have done. The children shall laugh and sing to us praise. For their shattered bodies ye shall soon pay. A cost for a drop of innocent blood demands retribution with painful floods.”


The men were dragged into the darkness beyond the wooden door, from which wafted the stench of vomit, piss and human excrement. The door slammed shut behind them and vanished, leaving the office empty and void.


The debt had been paid.

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Old 09-19-2017, 10:56 AM
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Enjoyed this mlp - particularly the final twist in your tale.

Your opening decription: "The shadow moved slowly towards Mitchell." Stop there...it's all that's needed. What follows is a nonsense of shadows without edges merging with bigger shadows....too much.

Sentences are long winded and clunky in places eg: "The beast wanted him alive. It was enjoying the pain and fear Mitchell was experiencing"

The beast wanted him alive... more fun that way.

Trim down your sentences for a slick read.

Other than that - nice job with a faith-restoring sense of retribution x
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Old 09-19-2017, 01:38 PM
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Wow. That was well crafted. Nice job.


I like the idea of a monster sent to collect debt from murderers, but it took a lot of the unease out of it for me. I went from thinking 'this crazy monster could come after me!?' to 'Oh well I'm good, I haven't killed anyone.' It may bring unease to certain people, but it really killed it for me.

Like Grace said, certain things can be shortened by a couple words. But not all. Some of it is good just the way it is.
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Old 09-20-2017, 05:08 AM
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Could you hint that Mitchell appears respectable to most people, and has concealed his crimes for a long time? This has happened in real life cases of abuse of minors and people with special needs. It would also tell us a bit more about him.
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Old 09-20-2017, 07:52 AM
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Thank you all for your feed back. Very helpful for future constructions.
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Old 09-21-2017, 11:06 PM
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Let me start by saying that I enjoyed the idea of the story and there are some good ideas and imagery in here. And, as always, this is one man's humble opinion and feel free to take it or leave it

A good premise, but execution of the idea could be improved upon.

I think the opening lines are intriguing but consider tightening this up a bit and showing the reader what Mitchell is experiencing, rather than telling (and this could be done across the story to bring the reader in).

By way of a suggestion:

"The shadow had Mitchell cornered in his office, blocking his only escape. If not for its movement, the shadow would not be visible at all. As it crept toward him, the scraping of chains being dragged accompanied the chilling laughter of young children."

No Poe, I grant you, but I think you get my drift.

Watch your imagery. A shadow and a beast are two different things. I did not get the sense that this was a shadow of a beast - it is too indistinct by your initial description - more of an amorphous absence of light, rather than a snarling, growling creature.

I also think you could pace this a little more - a great suggestion above from IanG about fleshing out Mitchel. Is this a large office, is he a "well to do" or is this some slinky back alley one man band accountant's or agency operation? Is he wearing a suit or a Hawaiian shirt? Is he good looking or a fat bald, sweaty man. As a leader of a cult, you would think he was charismatic -how can you build that in? Just some ideas to help with your development of this piece.

You love your horror. This is clear. Your graphic description of the removal of Mitchell's eyes...you revel in that and it shows as this is the strongest part of the story. The trick is to harness this passion and channel it in the rest of the story, because this is your voice.

Finally, if I have left you deflated, it is not my intention. I do not spend time on critiquing work unless I think it has merit and the writer has genuinely spent time on their work.

Thanks for the read and remember it is always worth it to.......
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Old 09-22-2017, 07:31 AM
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Hey Risk10,

Thank you for your feed back. You did not leave me deflated. On the contrary, I appreciate any feedback I receive positive or negative. Every person's idea adds to a writers evolution.

I'll never get mad at someone for posting their thoughts on anything I do.

~MLP
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Old 09-23-2017, 12:42 AM
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Weird, I posted a reply but it hasn't shown up. Anyway to sum up I loved the monster in this, and the description and scene building smacked of solid horror writing. The crunches and squelches and graphic munching were superbly vile!

One point though, I did not like the reference to child rape though - it was unnecessary.
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Old 09-23-2017, 01:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Owen View Post
Weird, I posted a reply but it hasn't shown up. Anyway to sum up I loved the monster in this, and the description and scene building smacked of solid horror writing. The crunches and squelches and graphic munching were superbly vile!

One point though, I did not like the reference to child rape though - it was unnecessary.


We've had a problem with posts showing up. Consensus seems to be that it happens when crafting longer posts. Something about timing-out.

Not sure if this fits your situation.
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Old 09-23-2017, 01:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Owen View Post
Weird, I posted a reply but it hasn't shown up. Anyway to sum up I loved the monster in this, and the description and scene building smacked of solid horror writing. The crunches and squelches and graphic munching were superbly vile!

One point though, I did not like the reference to child rape though - it was unnecessary.


Oh, I found the problem.

This story is a double post. You responded to one and then looked for it in the other.😀
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