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Old 02-16-2015, 04:31 AM
JoeMatt (Offline)
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
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You kind of lost me at "tic toc." It seems rather trite.

It seems like you're trying too hard. This is a feeling to which almost anyone can relate, so it feels to me like you are overdoing it -- and that you are crossing over into purple prose. Include enough to cause that spark of recognition and let your readers empathy take over from there.
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