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Old 02-16-2015, 03:30 AM
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Azmacna (Offline)
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Originally Posted by garviel View Post
Greetings Azmacna

Thankfully, it does not happen often to me, but I can certainly relate to the feeling of not being able to sleep, and I think you have captured that. Although with a ticking windup clock in the room I would not find sleep anytime soon either, so I can understand Jacob's insomnia

In my personal opinion I would like to see a bit more meat on the bone, so to speak. It feels like a very stripped down, shortened, tightened, minimalist style story. Nothing wrong with that of course, but for me personally, I like to see more descriptive elements, unless this is an excerpt from a larger piece.


There are a couple of things that I feel break the rhythm of the story:
If you are satisfied with this sentence as it is, the only think I would say is that I think it should be the fat, black space ... However, to me, your use of the word scanned seems somehow out of place here. You might consider ... Jacob stared into the fat, black space above, ...

Just a thought though, you may have good reasons for choosing that word. I think for me the word scan/scanned is tied quite strongly with sci-fi/computer/robot type of scenes (English is not my native language).

This seems to me like an artificial way of getting across the fact that he had been lying awake for a long time. Perhaps the same idea could be expressed by way of action or sensation as opposed to exposition.

The tick, tock idea I took to mean that time seemed to move slower and slower for Jacob, until every second turned into a torturous eternity.

An interesting piece of writing. I am kind of enjoying your unique choice of words: lightless room and deafening nothingness, though as you suggested yourself, maybe nothingness should be changed. Maybe emptiness or simply silence. Anyway, to me they enhance the reading experience

Garviel
Thanks for this! I thought long and hard about that 'a' or 'the' 'fat, black space'. His bedroom is just another place to him so I went with 'a' BUT I may change it to 'the' ... Undecided! 'emptiness' wouldn't be quite right. Emptiness still leaves me with the feeling the bedroom is still there. I need this to feel like a void where anything is possible and Jacob's mind is the only thing that exists.

The clock doesn't actually exist. Jacob has psychosis, or so that's what the doctors tell him. I worried about the bare bones beginning too. I didn't want to overpower the 'Tick. Tock.' too much and need the reader to 'feel' irritated by the repetition. The following paragraph will be of equal length and finally explain that the clock doesn't exist. And then I end on 'TOCK' (capitals) before I go on to tell you a little more about Jacobs and when he was diagnosed with psychosis at the age of 11. It's from this point on that I will begin to describe in more detail.

The bedroom, the womb and the darkness were the fist place Jacobs conjured the voices, sounds or visions. To sum this first section up: I'm trying to create a sense of unease, an oppressive void in which there is no escape and a sanctuary (the blankets) that give him no real escape. He's vulnerable to his own imagination.

edit: I don't like 'failed to comfort him'. I think I'll change it to 'no longer comforted him.'
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Last edited by Azmacna; 02-16-2015 at 03:44 AM..
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