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Old 02-15-2015, 10:37 PM
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Azmacna (Offline)
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Originally Posted by sdenyer View Post
"lightness, deafening, motionless, scanned, closely" I would take all those words out . Do not assume the reader needs them to understand where you are going. It is excessive. They are crutches. Edit, edit , edit.


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All those words are necessary for THIS character. 'lightless' is there to show it's dark and to tell you that Jacob doesn't just see night and day, he resents the fact the day had deserted him. 'Deafening' is there to tell you something about the state of Jacobs mind once he has nothing to distract him from his own thoughts. 'motionless' is there because he lays there stiff and only his mind and eyes move at all. 'scanned' to tell you he's looking intently into the darkness trying to see. 'closely' is there to tell you he is obsessing on the sound of the clock, which is why I've used fullstops for each word to give each tick-tock punch. It's worth considering whether I really need that word though. For him it's like Chinese torture. What I may do though is add a little more detail to each paragraph in between the tick-tocks. I need them to be roughly the same length to retain a sense of an incessant rhythm that he wishes wasn't there.

The only word that will probably change there is 'nothingness' because it just feels a little awkward to me.
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Last edited by Azmacna; 02-15-2015 at 10:58 PM..
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