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Old 04-15-2010, 07:43 AM
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Mike C (Offline)
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I hate it when I read something that makes me jealous.

If you hadn't asked if it was too descriptive, it wouldn't have occurred to me. With that in mind, I did, a couple of times, think "Time to get to the action..." but I wouldn't change it; I love the pace, you use the space well to create a feel for time and place and personailties. One gets used to shorts dashing headlong into the action, but this is... lyrical is the best word I have.

I disagree with Wonka both on your vocabulary (which I think was pitched perfectly) and on your use of adverbs, which never stood out or became intrusive.

I'm not suprised this didn't win the competition, not because it's not good enough, but because contests are a lottery. But I'd be equally suprised if it didn't find a paying home somewhere else.
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