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Old 03-07-2010, 01:50 PM
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~WishfulWriter~ (Offline)
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Originally Posted by S.R. Hansford View Post
The first line was strange and failed to hook me. Mostly because it claimed the night was "hot, humid and pregnant ..." and odd personifications like that, unless intentional, generally turn me off of a story. It happened again when you said "Every summer the expanding tin roof complained about the expanding household." My problem with descriptions like that is just that they feel a little too flat and ambiguous for me. How can the night be pregnant? How can a house complain? In the case of the house, I guess you meant it groaned or creaked, but I can't be sure.

Otherwise, after I got over that, I found myself enjoying it. The first ten paragraphs or so were shaky, but after that it seemed as if you must've gotten into your groove because your style seemed to better fit the character's personality from then on.

But I then went from deeply interested to interested to mildly curious of how the story may progress to uninterested. And I know that's mostly because the entire first section of the story is really filler information. It feels less like a story and more like a stylish recounting of some woman's life and times at some house during college. So I stopped there. But I thought you might be interested as to why. Hope this post didn't read too cynically. The story felt a lot like something I'd see in a magazine. Though I'm not the guy to go to for information on what's marketable, I'd guess this might be more marketable than most other stories I've read here, even as a first draft. I'll try to get back to this later and finish it off.
Actually, I thought quite different. I loved the house personification. And I loved the first line, it hooked me from the start.

I also thought the college life bit was important to the story --- why else would a woman smoke pot unless she had before? And it also explains why she was missing something in her marriage. The times at the college house were exciting and fun, and her new life was lacking that.
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