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Old 09-09-2015, 05:10 AM
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Originally Posted by risk10 View Post
There are some flabby bits in there - particularly where the MC appears to parrot back what Jay has said (e.g. -- "I took precautions" -- "What type of precautions?").

Dialogue needs to be direct and you have to cut out the repetition of normal speech, but still make it sound authentic (that's the rub).
The parroting is actually quite a common trope of human speech and interaction. However, it's typically imbued with sarcasm. Perhaps it would have come off more naturally if the parroting had been surrounded in italics?

Originally Posted by risk10 View Post
I also agree that as a flash piece this does not work. There is no context at the beginning that is explained anywhere throughout the piece. Then, as Elisa/Win suggested, the abrupt ending leaves the reader feeling a little cheated, with too many unanswered questions.
I'm quite bored with pieces of flash that are entirely self-contained. So, I'm experimenting quite a bit with dynamic pieces of dialogue and action to see what works and what doesn't. (Here I tried less dialogue and more action: You Can't Eat That)

Fundamentally, Flash can't answer every question in the span of 100 to 500 words - at least in my opinion. However, to suggest there's no context for the piece is not true. There's a problem requiring a reworking of a potion. There's assigned blame that's reassigned over the course of the story.

Of course, me? I'm happy with unanswered questions unless it's due to laziness. I realize that isn't true for everyone.

Thanks so much, y'all, for reading and sharing your thoughts!
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