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Old 03-09-2018, 07:47 AM
Myers (Offline)
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Don't overthink it, man. I just thought it was kind of funny -- like, "you said you were bored, AND YET, you read on. Interesting...

Seems like you were second guessing the comment for some reason or trying to get around that the guy said he was bored with it.

Otherwise, it's all too on the nose for me -- just not any subtext. It all feels over-explained. Maybe that's the YA is supposed to be?

Kaylee froze, immediately recognizing Scarlet’s voice. She stared at Sarah, a surge of anger zipping through the pit of her stomach. Throwing the stall door open, she stepped out to see blonde haired Scarlet in her designer clothes applying mascara to her long lashes in the mirror, like a model preparing for the catwalk. Her back was facing Kaylee. Two other girls looking like faded replicas of Scarlet stood at her sides.
Do people really freeze? I suppose they do sometimes, but it sounds cliche to me.

Does a model preparing for the catwalk really put on her makeup any different than anyone else? That seems forced.

And the context and dialog really should do the heavy lifting -- there shouldn't be any need to say "a surge of anger zipping through the pit of her stomach."

To me, it all feels like it needs to be dialed back -- but then again, I'm probably not your audience. The machinations of teenagers don't interest me too much -- except for my own teenager -- and I can't avoid that.
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