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Old 04-02-2017, 09:34 AM
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Myers (Offline)
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Hey, P.L.

There are reasons to start a story with a line of dialog, but this doesn't seem to be one of them -- I think the line needs to be somewhat compelling and say something about the characters or what's about to happen.

The P.O.V. here just seems to be very fuzzy, along with who's talking and to whom. You seem to mention people for no apparent reason, the female couple, middle aged lady etc. You also seem to be using rather superficial physical attributes to establish your characters.

Overall, I think you need to do a better job setting the scene -- and establishing who is who.

I'm not able to sort things out exactly or where you are headed -- but I'd probably start more like this:

This was the last thing John (or whoever) wanted to do on a Friday night -- go to a housewarming party for someone he barely knew. He'd planned on hitting the clubs with his new coworkers, and maybe hooking with one of the girls in customer service. But at least he could have a free drink or two before cutting out at the earliest opportunity.

He walked into the room unnoticed and tried to spot someone he recognized.

An older gentleman who looked full of himself and way overdressed for the occasion in a navy blazer and dress slacks nodded and smiled at him. John thought he recognized the man from the office, one of the c-level managers up on the sixth floor.

"So, have you known Mike long then?" the man asked in an overly posh tone.


etc. etc.

The details are probably way, way off for your story, because it's hard for me to see what's actually going on or where you are going. But maybe you can get the idea.

I've set the scene, started to build the characters and I've established some conflict -- all in the first few lines.

Yes, that's fairly boilerplate advice -- but mainly I'm suggesting you try a little harder to see your story from the perspective of the reader. Make things less ambiguous and give them some incentive to keep reading...

Cheers.

Last edited by Myers; 04-02-2017 at 09:51 AM..
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