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Old 09-21-2017, 11:06 PM
risk10 (Offline)
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Let me start by saying that I enjoyed the idea of the story and there are some good ideas and imagery in here. And, as always, this is one man's humble opinion and feel free to take it or leave it

A good premise, but execution of the idea could be improved upon.

I think the opening lines are intriguing but consider tightening this up a bit and showing the reader what Mitchell is experiencing, rather than telling (and this could be done across the story to bring the reader in).

By way of a suggestion:

"The shadow had Mitchell cornered in his office, blocking his only escape. If not for its movement, the shadow would not be visible at all. As it crept toward him, the scraping of chains being dragged accompanied the chilling laughter of young children."

No Poe, I grant you, but I think you get my drift.

Watch your imagery. A shadow and a beast are two different things. I did not get the sense that this was a shadow of a beast - it is too indistinct by your initial description - more of an amorphous absence of light, rather than a snarling, growling creature.

I also think you could pace this a little more - a great suggestion above from IanG about fleshing out Mitchel. Is this a large office, is he a "well to do" or is this some slinky back alley one man band accountant's or agency operation? Is he wearing a suit or a Hawaiian shirt? Is he good looking or a fat bald, sweaty man. As a leader of a cult, you would think he was charismatic -how can you build that in? Just some ideas to help with your development of this piece.

You love your horror. This is clear. Your graphic description of the removal of Mitchell's eyes...you revel in that and it shows as this is the strongest part of the story. The trick is to harness this passion and channel it in the rest of the story, because this is your voice.

Finally, if I have left you deflated, it is not my intention. I do not spend time on critiquing work unless I think it has merit and the writer has genuinely spent time on their work.

Thanks for the read and remember it is always worth it to.......
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