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Old 02-18-2015, 05:31 AM
JoeMatt (Offline)
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
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I think the second paragraph is almost as weighed down with description as the first.

I'm not telling you to write like me -- and this is still rough of course, but for me the idea is to include just enough information, and let readers fill in the rest. I also broke it into paragraphs that each relate to or highlight a separate idea:

Smythe glanced at his antique book collection as he approached the windows. Housed in gold-framed glass tables, each book was positioned to display its most valuable attributes. Among the rarities, a 1605 edition of Don Quixote in its original title, El ingenioso hidalgo don Quixote De la Mancha. Next to it, a 1667 first edition of Paradise Lost by John Milton.

But his most prized was a thirteenth century occult book with ornate illustrations of demonic scenes from the netherworld. On the cover, a title in gold lettering with ruby-red and silver-black decorations—Dominus Daemonium.

According to his research, the book was scribed by a monk at the Santa Maria della Spina in Pisa who had a bizarre fascination with the demonic aspects of Christianity. Purportedly, he had allowed himself to be possessed by a demon in order to receive the profound message preserved on its fragile leaves. Smythe was most fascinated by the opening sentence:

"He who reads this book shall become the instrument of his own demise."
I think you want to get to that sentence ASAP -- that's what will pique curiosity. Did I go too far? Maybe -- but I'm just trying to make the point.

Last edited by JoeMatt; 02-18-2015 at 05:37 AM..
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