Thread: The Big Weight
View Single Post
Old 05-02-2017, 02:03 PM
spshane (Offline)
Profusive Denizen
Official Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 280
Thanks: 45
Thanks 73

The writing is good. Maybe a bit much of it in place. Could cut it down a bit. The only thing I struggled with was the deal with Gary and Mitch. I'm reading this and I'm thinking, "wait, are they a gay couple?" And then Gary goes on about his ex and still seems to be in love with her and I'm "okay, maybe just Mitch is gay." And I'm not trying to be funny or anything with that. It's just that I've never seen or heard two heterosexual men talk to each other like that. It's mostly Mitch, but he's a nagging little bitch. He talks like a woman. And the way he follows him out of the house griping at him. I've never heard a straight man bitch another man like that. We don't give each other shit about what we're drinking, smoking, job interviews, whatever. If a friend wants to tell you something, he tells you; otherwise noneya. It creates confusion in the story, because you're reading their tizzy like "okay, what's going on with them?"
Reply With Quote