Thread: The Big Weight
View Single Post
  #4  
Old 04-01-2017, 01:19 PM
Myers (Offline)
Grizzled Veteran
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,224
Thanks: 382
Thanks 403
Default

Hey, BP. I'm glad you liked it.

Wow, I went back and looked at it with an eye on the commas -- and I took out quite a few of them. I could probably loose more. While most of them are technically correct, they can interrupt the flow of things. I think it's a holdover from some of the writing I do for work -- features and benefits stuff etc.

Regarding the bit you mentioned -- I guess I was trying to soften Catherine -- have her not come off as such a bitch. But I think you're right -- it's somewhat forced in. And if I've set things up and developed the MC properly, then we should understand that her anger and reaction to him showing up is justified. Good call.

The whole thing is about a slow building of tension, so I'm thinking an additional struggle over a drink isn't really needed. In my first version of this, the reason he decides to go see is ex is because he does go off the wagon and gets drunk. His confrontation with his roommate is more angry and physical, he gets into an argument with the guys in his parking lot, he's obnoxious to his wife's friend etc. In some ways, I liked it at least as much, but the people who read it found him to be just too loathsome. I like unsympathetic characters, but I took it a bit too far.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I pretty much posted it knowing it was your cup of tea. Thanks for taking the time and for the useful comments.

Cheers!
Reply With Quote