Thread: Jump to it
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Old 07-23-2012, 06:38 PM
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goldieloo (Offline)
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I like it too. Upbeat and matter of fact.

There's one place where you put something like 'It seems that the ladies appeared..' and that's a little redundant. There are several places where you use similar language, as if you're qualifying your observations. 'It seems' 'they appeared' etc. It makes sense and conveys that you were feeling the trepidation, but you could probably drop it in some places for variety's sake. You might not have known your badminton yet, but you can be trusted to report that they wanted to know how old you were.

'Weight loss has also been a benefit, having lost over thirty-five pounds; I can still run around the badminton court and also chase my grandchildren.'

The first bit probably counts as a run-on or something, but I know better than to try and say how to rearrange it. I am a run-on fool and spot them in my scribbles all the time. Periods are for wimps.
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