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Old 02-08-2017, 09:43 PM
spshane (Offline)
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Default I Hate Rainbows: or what really happened to Donny Haulsman


Exiting through the smeared glass doors of the hospital, I caught a glimpse of a rainbow in the pale sky.


“Fuck me,” I muttered as I discovered inside of me the kind of fucking anger that only a nun, who's discovered that God is dead, could know. “Fuck rainbows!” I shouted, my voice echoing off the stone walls.


I hated rainbows. Had a bullshit experience with them.


Just kids, barely old enough to ride our goddamned bicycles, me and Donny rode off looking for end of the rainbow. We still believed in all the shit our parents told us. Santa Claus, leprechauns, Jesus Christ, and—fuck you—gold.


Donny started whining, because he was a pussy, and we already way the fuck further than where we were supposed to be. But the rainbow was right fucking there. I could almost touch.


“Jesus, Peter, I can't go any further. My mom'll beat my ass for this shit.”


“Man, my dad really needs this.” And he did. Laid off about six months by then and about to lose the house.


I pedaled harder and just as I got to intersection I saw it—the tail end of the rainbow touching down in an overgrown field. The weeds seemed to glow in golden light.



“Holy shit!” Donny chirped and started pedaling like a motherfucker. Passed me. Cleared the intersection. Rode down the embankment. Just as he ditched his bike, I saw it—this huge ass black pot in the middle of the field. I mean it was the size of a compact car and shit. And I just knew it was filled with gold.


I pumped on my pedals and just as I pulled into the intersection everything went dark. Never heard screeching tires. Never saw the car. Never felt myself sailing through the air. Just remember waking up to beeping monitors and everything numb below my chest.


“Peter, I'm here.” Mom clutched my hand.


“Did he get it, Mom? Did Donny get the gold?”


And all at once she burst into tears.


“Donny's dead,” Dad shuffled forward.


I told him he didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. Donny was right there. I saw him.


He had found the gold.


No one came right and told me all at once what had happened to Donny or to me. Like learning to handle a wheelchair, lots of things came in little bis and pieces. His death remained a mystery to me. Something I put together over time.


While the paramedics loaded me into the ambulance one them caught a glimpse of Donny's jacket flapping in the field. He moved closer and saw his body. Looked like he had been attacked by some sort of wild animals. Claw marks. But I knew it wasn't a wild animal. It was a leprechaun. And you need to know this: leprechauns are all dicks.


Last edited by spshane; 02-09-2017 at 10:37 AM..
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