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Search: Posts Made By: IanG
Forum: Fiction 09-13-2018, 03:06 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 132
Posted By IanG
You convey how horrible this character is and the...

You convey how horrible this character is and the hornet metaphor works well. 'Says nothing' might fit better with the rest of it than 'says naught,' which has a slightly archaic ring to it.
Forum: Fiction 09-07-2018, 06:43 AM
Replies: 0
Views: 113
Posted By IanG
My Brother Taran

Britain, 1943

Taran's mouth dried up and the blood drained from his cheeks. A man was aiming a revolver at him. This man's attitude was almost casual, as if he was accustomed to killing people. ...
Forum: Fiction 08-28-2018, 03:07 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 471
Posted By IanG
I can see the points the others are making, but...

I can see the points the others are making, but the basic scenario is plausible. It would, with a bit of editing, make a good start for a longer story.

If you hinted that Kim fell out with...
Forum: Fiction 08-16-2018, 12:31 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 575
Posted By IanG
Could you make Sarah more conflicted? Perhaps...

Could you make Sarah more conflicted? Perhaps she feels a moment of remorse at speeding, then justifies it to herself. Could she have a brief spell of doubt as to whether her plan will work? What...
Forum: Fiction 08-06-2018, 03:04 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 397
Posted By IanG
Thanks for this critique, I've done some editing...

Thanks for this critique, I've done some editing at the beginning to take account of it.
Forum: Fiction 07-27-2018, 10:54 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 397
Posted By IanG
Fever in the Night

Nathan Bennett carried an armful of branches to a bonfire and laid them in red flames. The wood caught fire but he couldn't hear it crackle. He never had since birth. Then he felt a movement of air,...
Forum: Fiction 07-23-2018, 03:03 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 562
Posted By IanG
This is a plausible scenario and you describe it...

This is a plausible scenario and you describe it well. The others have valid points but overall I like it. Good luck with your re-write.
Forum: Fiction 07-13-2018, 07:28 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 441
Posted By IanG
You have an interesting premise here, but could...

You have an interesting premise here, but could you go deeper? Do these souls experience culture shocks on their journey through time? Do they have regrets? Perhaps they quarrelled in one or more...
Forum: Fiction 07-02-2018, 05:41 AM
Replies: 10
Views: 1,316
Posted By IanG
The name came from the title of a documentary on...

The name came from the title of a documentary on T.V. I was looking for an Asian name I liked the sound of, and Samia caught my eye. Yes I meant vignette.
Forum: Fiction 07-02-2018, 01:08 AM
Replies: 10
Views: 1,316
Posted By IanG
The birds are to do with the setting. This is...

The birds are to do with the setting. This is set on a cliff top and the birds in question often nest or roost on cliffs as it protects them from predators. Ravens feed on dry land but will nest on...
Forum: Fiction 07-01-2018, 07:26 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 584
Posted By IanG
I like the opening, it drew me in well. It...

I like the opening, it drew me in well. It requires a lot of speculation by the reader, but some people like that touch of mystery. Thanks for sharing it.
Forum: Fiction 06-20-2018, 06:49 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 973
Posted By IanG
This is a plausible scenario and you evoke it...

This is a plausible scenario and you evoke it well. I like the term 'slim building' but you don't come up with with any vivid phrases like that when describing the interior of the flat. Too much...
Forum: Fiction 06-12-2018, 12:05 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 848
Posted By IanG
Could you make more of a contrast between the two...

Could you make more of a contrast between the two couples dancing? Perhaps they don't like each other at first but then revise their opinions for one reason or another. Or maybe the other way round. ...
Forum: Fiction 05-16-2018, 12:02 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 1,200
Posted By IanG
The premise is interesting but so far we have...

The premise is interesting but so far we have only one viewpoint, that of the rulers. If you could give us the viewpoint of the oppressed and make one or some of them interesting characters then it...
Forum: Fiction 05-03-2018, 03:11 AM
Replies: 10
Views: 1,316
Posted By IanG
Thanks for your critiques everyone, I've done...

Thanks for your critiques everyone, I've done some editing in response to them.
Forum: Fiction 04-29-2018, 10:41 AM
Replies: 10
Views: 1,316
Posted By IanG
Thanks for your critique. I got the idea from a...

Thanks for your critique. I got the idea from a documentary on TV called 'Saving Lives at Sea.' I put my fictional characters into a situation similar to one on the show and put a fictional twist...
Forum: Fiction 04-28-2018, 08:08 AM
Replies: 10
Views: 1,316
Posted By IanG
Samia

Two people, a married couple, were asking questions in anxious tones. They stood at the counter of a seaside cafe, talking to its owner and her waitresses. After a short time the couple left the...
Forum: Fiction 04-26-2018, 07:09 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 938
Posted By IanG
I like this story, its plausible and rendered...

I like this story, its plausible and rendered with a humerous touch. I'm not a parent but Sophie's fear of spiders reminded me of a friend's child who also had that fear.
Forum: Fiction 04-18-2018, 01:01 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 1,324
Posted By IanG
Try a full stop after 'teeming with possibility.'...

Try a full stop after 'teeming with possibility.' It reads as if the next part should be a new sentence. Third rate is two words not one.

The metephore of prickly thoughts is good.
Forum: Fiction 04-06-2018, 07:40 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 1,873
Posted By IanG
Thanks for your comments, I've taken them into...

Thanks for your comments, I've taken them into account and edited the begining.
Forum: Fiction 04-05-2018, 02:53 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 1,873
Posted By IanG
I've done some editing to take account of your...

I've done some editing to take account of your various comments. Thanks to all of you for taking the trouble to critique this piece.
Forum: Fiction 04-04-2018, 03:01 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 1,873
Posted By IanG
Thanks for all your comments, I'll give them some...

Thanks for all your comments, I'll give them some thought and then come back to this story.
Forum: Fiction 04-03-2018, 02:58 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 1,873
Posted By IanG
How would you two have paced it?

How would you two have paced it?
Forum: Fiction 04-02-2018, 01:25 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 1,873
Posted By IanG
Billy's Kitten

It was early morning and, as dawn sun lurked between pitched roofs there was no hint of what the day would bring. Rob Horan drove down the street, stopped his van and pipped the horn. He kept the...
Forum: Fiction 04-02-2018, 01:21 AM
Replies: 17
Views: 2,541
Posted By IanG
No, I was commenting on Lewdog's post. Please...

No, I was commenting on Lewdog's post. Please accept my apologies if I wasn't supposed to do that.
Showing results 1 to 25 of 500

 

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