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Search: Posts Made By: daes13
Forum: Fiction 01-15-2018, 03:44 PM
Replies: 21
Views: 321
Posted By daes13
Damn I thought this posted days ago... I'm...

Damn I thought this posted days ago...

I'm searching poetry for better prose technique, so I see it everywhere. Paranoid transrealism if you will heh.

I'm not saying make a ballad, I'm saying...
Forum: Poetry 01-11-2018, 02:42 PM
Replies: 10
Views: 186
Posted By daes13
Its really your fault... Your fault for making a...

Its really your fault... Your fault for making a piece a reader could discern different perceptions of...

I myself am sucking every bit of fun out of life, doing everything short of pulling a damn...
Forum: Poetry 01-11-2018, 01:53 PM
Replies: 10
Views: 186
Posted By daes13
That's why I was saying omitting it would retain...

That's why I was saying omitting it would retain the tempo:

I am mad
I go through

I know everything
I do life

To me, when reading, this denotes an acceptance of the choice to go insane. He...
Forum: Poetry 01-11-2018, 01:18 PM
Replies: 10
Views: 186
Posted By daes13
Yeah been trying to learn poetry and can't stand...

Yeah been trying to learn poetry and can't stand too rhyme stuff, and Nicks is always good. Figure if I can ever give Nick a good critique I win at life haha
Forum: Poetry 01-11-2018, 06:09 AM
Replies: 10
Views: 186
Posted By daes13
I presumed "mad" in this held both meanings....

I presumed "mad" in this held both meanings. Succumbing to the insanity, but the very writing raging against it. Maybe I read too much into it haha

But yeah maybe starting with "I am mad" would be...
Forum: Poetry 01-10-2018, 05:50 PM
Replies: 10
Views: 186
Posted By daes13
Nice to see you still cracking away Mr. Pierce. ...

Nice to see you still cracking away Mr. Pierce.

Once I read you tell someone that had written something close to but not exactly, "he was about six feet..." And you pointed out, close to but not...
Forum: Fiction 01-10-2018, 05:30 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 300
Posted By daes13
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, you captured the...

I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, you captured the age level of the narrator perfectly. That being said, the POV may be a bit strained for most people to read. I personally enjoy this POV, but maybe...
Forum: Fiction 01-10-2018, 04:25 PM
Replies: 17
Views: 273
Posted By daes13
Read Raymond Carver, best example of minimalism...

Read Raymond Carver, best example of minimalism and avoidance of filtering...

Pregnant girl sitting on a bus, wishing she were home. Headache, swollen feet, baby playing bongos on her bladder...
...
Forum: Fiction 01-10-2018, 04:20 PM
Replies: 21
Views: 321
Posted By daes13
Long story short: Got my heart broke Fell...

Long story short:

Got my heart broke
Fell in love with drugs
Found my true love
Developed a drinking problem
Went to school
Figured out the drinking problem, how to make it cheaper not stop...
Forum: Fiction 01-10-2018, 04:07 PM
Replies: 21
Views: 321
Posted By daes13
I've been swimming down a few bottles and ripping...

I've been swimming down a few bottles and ripping off callous after callous... Yeah, don't ask haha,

Sdenyer, if you rewrite this as a poem, but not too poetryish, leave the poesy with plague I...
Forum: Poetry 01-10-2018, 04:03 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 115
Posted By daes13
At first glance this seems to me to have that Dr...

At first glance this seems to me to have that Dr Seuss tempo that makes one want to shove a fork in their ears to get the tune out... Which I'm not saying as a bad thing...

The greatest part of...
Forum: Fiction 01-10-2018, 03:52 PM
Replies: 21
Views: 321
Posted By daes13
I see this as prose, possibly even a poem. A...

I see this as prose, possibly even a poem. A super ego ballad of sorts. In my humble opinion play with all that poetry shit and see if you can't make this exude the inherent tempo it already has...
...
Forum: Writing Help & Issues 07-28-2016, 05:34 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 1,454
Posted By daes13
Punctuation always goes inside of quotes. I don't...

Punctuation always goes inside of quotes. I don't know if different dialects possess different rules, but standard English likes to keep the punctuation inside. There may be a couple exceptions but I...
Forum: Non-Fiction 07-28-2016, 04:13 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 1,991
Posted By daes13
There's an entire novel's worth of story you just...

There's an entire novel's worth of story you just summed up in those two paragraphs. It's your story, but if you were to write out the events as an actual story I would definitely read it. If you're...
Forum: Fiction 07-27-2016, 03:25 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 501
Posted By daes13
Chapter 1 (PG-13) word count: I'm not counting...

One of those days... fuck. Not sure if I slept wrong or if it was just male PMS. Whatever it may have been, I was a tiny turd rolling down a hill of shit. Building in momentum, growing massive with...
Forum: Fiction 07-23-2016, 07:55 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 825
Posted By daes13
The dialogue is good and quick, and I like the...

The dialogue is good and quick, and I like the dynamic set up. The little bit that's outside the dialogue seems a bit off, structure and syntax wise, to me. I would love to read this as a script. If...
Forum: Fiction 07-22-2016, 07:40 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 854
Posted By daes13
Drink a bottle of wine and put on a dress, that...

Drink a bottle of wine and put on a dress, that will help.

I understand the whole gender appropriation aspect when writing alternate genders, but she is your creation. You have already given her...
Forum: Fiction 07-22-2016, 05:56 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 854
Posted By daes13
I like this, the slow psychological reveal is...

I like this, the slow psychological reveal is nice. With that thought, have you considered writing this in first person? With that POV you could imbue a lot of emotion and really let the reader...
Forum: Fiction 07-19-2016, 05:54 AM
Replies: 10
Views: 976
Posted By daes13
All of it. Once you have the POV set you can just...

All of it. Once you have the POV set you can just let it happen. Instead of saying "I saw the man. His torn clothes..." Just let the description happen after the reader knows there is a man, "I saw...
Forum: Fiction 07-19-2016, 05:51 AM
Replies: 12
Views: 603
Posted By daes13
Throwing in a bunch of adjectives and adverbs...

Throwing in a bunch of adjectives and adverbs does add description, but it's superficial. I found the parts I actually wanted more description in lacking and the ones I wanted to skip verbose. Think...
Forum: Fiction 07-19-2016, 05:36 AM
Replies: 10
Views: 976
Posted By daes13
Humorous and nice. I would suggest cleaning this...

Humorous and nice. I would suggest cleaning this up with special attention to filtering. Removing the excess determiners, and plethora of pronouns in general, would give it a nice flow. Allowing the...
Forum: Fiction 06-06-2016, 07:26 PM
Replies: 18
Views: 1,778
Posted By daes13
This right here. The alliteration and assonance...

This right here. The alliteration and assonance is wonderful in this piece, but these two lines are extraordinary. It may be a bit over descriptive and filter in places, but with these two lines it...
Forum: Writers' Cafe 06-04-2016, 05:54 AM
Replies: 14
Views: 1,724
Posted By daes13
If somebody is not offended it's probably not...

If somebody is not offended it's probably not worth reading.
Forum: Fiction 06-03-2016, 08:31 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 767
Posted By daes13
Dialogue's a fascinating creature, especially in...

Dialogue's a fascinating creature, especially in prose. There's the whole disadvantage compared to Drama of not having speaker names, but implication can be an asset. Speech tags as well as action...
Forum: Fiction 06-02-2016, 05:25 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 875
Posted By daes13
Let's eat, Grandpa! Let's eat Grandpa! We...

Let's eat, Grandpa!
Let's eat Grandpa!

We are only a comma away from being cannibals.
Showing results 1 to 25 of 500

 

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