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Search: Posts Made By: garviel
Forum: Fiction 06-14-2015, 04:22 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 578
Posted By garviel
Greetings TheRunoff :) I think you have a...

Greetings TheRunoff :)

I think you have a great story going on here. Unfortunately it also has a number of problematic issues in my opinion.

Perhaps my biggest gripe with this story is that it...
Forum: Fiction 06-11-2015, 07:26 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 1,006
Posted By garviel
A big thank you to all who commented !! I do...

A big thank you to all who commented !!

I do see the points you are making. Some I agree with, some not so much :) I like the idea suggested by longknife and Elisa/win, that the actual...
Forum: Fiction 06-08-2015, 11:43 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 821
Posted By garviel
Hi :) The story in and of itself is in my...

Hi :)

The story in and of itself is in my opinion quite good. It reveals itself gradually, providing interesting bits of information here and there, and I feel as a reader that I am being taken...
Forum: Fiction 06-08-2015, 03:54 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 1,006
Posted By garviel
The Steam Locomotive (590 words)

Greetings :)

I am interested to hear your opinions on this short piece of writing. Mostly I would like to know if this story piques your interest, triggers your imagination and such. Do you want...
Forum: Fiction 02-17-2015, 07:53 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 1,032
Posted By garviel
Thank you for your feedback sdenyer, daes13 and...

Thank you for your feedback sdenyer, daes13 and kennyc :)

As you are all essentially commenting on the problematic first paragraph, I will take that into consideration. I must admit that I never...
Forum: Fiction 02-16-2015, 02:09 AM
Replies: 44
Views: 5,041
Posted By garviel
Greetings Azmacna :) Thankfully, it does not...

Greetings Azmacna :)

Thankfully, it does not happen often to me, but I can certainly relate to the feeling of not being able to sleep, and I think you have captured that. Although with a ticking...
Forum: Fiction 02-15-2015, 02:26 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 1,032
Posted By garviel
Dominus Daemonium (about 430 words)

Hello everyone :)

I am looking for feedback on this opening scene from a shortstory I am writing. Does it pique your interest? Do you find it intriguing, boring, strange etc.

All comments...
Forum: Fiction 10-22-2013, 04:57 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 492
Posted By garviel
Hi G.L.Argain One thing I noticed while...

Hi G.L.Argain

One thing I noticed while reading was your very frequent use of the word he, especially noticeable in the first few paragraphs. At least to me this became an annoyance, and I kept...
Forum: Fiction 10-22-2013, 04:24 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 4,724
Posted By garviel
Hi sripriya :) In my opinion you have the...

Hi sripriya :)

In my opinion you have the basis for a good story here. In fact, the story, in and of itself, is what makes this (despite it being too short) quite a captivating piece of writing.
...
Forum: Fiction 10-22-2013, 03:47 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 964
Posted By garviel
Anya Thank you very much for your comments...

Anya

Thank you very much for your comments and advice :)

In hindsight I agree with that. I am currently researching ornamental grasses ;)

You are probably correct about that, but there is a...
Forum: Fiction 10-21-2013, 01:11 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 826
Posted By garviel
Hi Writingfan A few things I noticed: ...

Hi Writingfan

A few things I noticed:
Because you have already established the fact that they are all Admirals, I don't think you need to state that again. Just their names should do, in my...
Forum: Fiction 10-20-2013, 01:23 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 608
Posted By garviel
Hi RS McCoy :) An interesting read and the...

Hi RS McCoy :)

An interesting read and the plot is intriguing. Towards the end things seem to move ahead a bit too fast.


I have some comments: :) I am not sure about this line. Somehow it...
Forum: Fiction 10-20-2013, 04:25 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 895
Posted By garviel
Hi Kathleen :) Interesting concept to...

Hi Kathleen :)

Interesting concept to preface the novel like this. In my opinion the paragraph could be improved a bit though :)

For some reason this line does not seem quite right. I am sort...
Forum: Fiction 10-14-2013, 11:40 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 8,779
Posted By garviel
Hi Shelly :) It seems I was too quick with...

Hi Shelly :)

It seems I was too quick with that comment :) Looks very logical once you put the brackets around it.

Just curious, would these two sentences be correct?

I was among the ghosts...
Forum: Fiction 10-14-2013, 07:42 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 8,779
Posted By garviel
Greetings Hazel :) Quite interesting to read...

Greetings Hazel :)

Quite interesting to read the story from the ghost's point of view. And a ghost with amnesia, that's cool :punk:


A few comments :)
were (this point refers to ghosts, not...
Forum: Fiction 10-14-2013, 05:02 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 470
Posted By garviel
Hi Norm :) There really isn't much to pick...

Hi Norm :)

There really isn't much to pick at on this piece. Very well written indeed. I recall reviewing an earlier chapter some time ago, and you continue to keep a high standard on your writing...
Forum: Fiction 10-14-2013, 12:56 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 964
Posted By garviel
Andy I was slightly anxious whether it would...

Andy

I was slightly anxious whether it would hook the reader. Glad it did so for you :)

Thank you very much for your comments :)


Risk

You comments are much appreciated.
Forum: Fiction 10-13-2013, 09:29 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 964
Posted By garviel
Working title: The Masterpiece, 700+ words

This is a new novella I am working on. It is the opening scene, where I try to establish some facts and peculiarities of the main character. Although not apparent in this part, the story will...
Forum: Fiction 10-13-2013, 08:25 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 490
Posted By garviel
Hi Sammy :) I am sorry to hear of the...

Hi Sammy :)

I am sorry to hear of the problems you have had to live through. I think writing about it is an excellent way of dealing with it, and apparently you write quite well!


Here is my...
Forum: Fiction 10-13-2013, 01:08 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 791
Posted By garviel
Hi Writingfan :) First of all, I have to...

Hi Writingfan :)

First of all, I have to agree with RS McCoy, the fontsize was horribly tiny. I hope you will fix this when you post chapter two.


If he was angry and upset, arguing loudly, I...
Forum: Fiction 10-12-2013, 03:49 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 810
Posted By garviel
Hi :) Since no one else have given you any...

Hi :)

Since no one else have given you any feedback yet, I am having a go at it :)
I think the idea of being lost, and what that could feel like comes across quite well, albeit slightly hampered...
Forum: Fiction 10-11-2013, 03:09 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 742
Posted By garviel
Hi CumbrianLad :) Very interesting and...

Hi CumbrianLad :)

Very interesting and intriguing plot you have here.

My first impression was that this story is very easy to read. Information and descriptions appear naturally as the story...
Forum: Fiction 10-09-2013, 04:44 PM
Replies: 20
Views: 2,271
Posted By garviel
I get your point about setting up the scene. And...

I get your point about setting up the scene. And considering that this is just a few lines, it is really a very minor issue in regards to the passive way of describing the scene. However, one need...
Forum: Fiction 10-09-2013, 02:04 PM
Replies: 20
Views: 2,271
Posted By garviel
Hi(gh) risk :D There are a lot of...

Hi(gh) risk :D

There are a lot of interesting and quite original words and phrases in this story which I like. Some work better than others though. The story improves as it moves along. And it...
Forum: Fiction 10-09-2013, 09:42 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 732
Posted By garviel
Here's a couple of ideas on how to weave it into...

Here's a couple of ideas on how to weave it into your story. I took the liberty of tweaking some of your sentences too ;)

Example 1
The quake combined with my startled reaction threw me out of my...
Showing results 1 to 25 of 133

 

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