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Forum: Fiction 11-02-2017, 06:20 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 413
Posted By risk10
Terrific read. Thank you.

Terrific read. Thank you.
Forum: Fiction 09-21-2017, 11:18 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 382
Posted By risk10
Re: the absence of blue - perhaps consider...

Re: the absence of blue - perhaps consider cyanide poisoning?

Good read (as always Owen) - like the Perfume guy; maybe call him the Skittles guy?

:)
Forum: Fiction 09-21-2017, 11:06 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 471
Posted By risk10
Let me start by saying that I enjoyed the idea of...

Let me start by saying that I enjoyed the idea of the story and there are some good ideas and imagery in here. And, as always, this is one man's humble opinion and feel free to take it or leave it :)...
Forum: Fiction 02-16-2016, 10:44 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 669
Posted By risk10
EXTRACT (600 words): Adventures of Everton Drake: Edge of Extinction

For some of you oldies, you may remember that I posted some 500 words of this story a while back. I thought I might just post up some more and see how people feel about this.

Critique away!
...
Forum: Fiction 11-18-2015, 02:50 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 1,008
Posted By risk10
So like I was totally feeling this voice at the...

So like I was totally feeling this voice at the beginning - with like all it's unnecessary shit and stuff.

Then, without so much of a how do you do - the voice experiences a transmogrification to...
Forum: Fiction 11-09-2015, 05:31 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 666
Posted By risk10
Not a bad start here. Above I have shown how you...

Not a bad start here. Above I have shown how you might consider condensing some parts to make them a little more punchy.

Also not sold on describing how a "Zyrd's" horns unfurl at this point -...
Forum: Fiction 11-08-2015, 07:32 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 736
Posted By risk10
OK - this is a lot of "she said, then she said...

OK - this is a lot of "she said, then she said back". You might want to firstly consider cutting down the speech tags, especially as there are only two people in this dialogue.

I get that you...
Forum: Fiction 10-31-2015, 11:15 PM
Replies: 14
Views: 1,304
Posted By risk10
This is probably the biggest mistake :) We...

This is probably the biggest mistake :)

We all provide well intentioned opinions on how "we" see the story. What is important is not to lose how you feel your story is best served by these...
Forum: Fiction 10-29-2015, 07:54 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 737
Posted By risk10
Hi Pete, Loved the story - but was...

Hi Pete,

Loved the story - but was confused when Amy referred to Jonny by name, rather than "the creep" she had just accused him of being. Did he tell her his name and she decide to take it on...
Forum: Fiction 10-29-2015, 07:26 PM
Replies: 14
Views: 1,304
Posted By risk10
Hiya, Bluebell, I have got so say that, for...

Hiya, Bluebell,

I have got so say that, for me, there is not much going on here. It is like you are trying to "set up" this world by giving the reader a heap of information up front, rather than...
Forum: Fiction 09-09-2015, 10:57 PM
Replies: 16
Views: 1,853
Posted By risk10
Hi Ben, I enjoy your style of writing...

Hi Ben,



I enjoy your style of writing for the most part, but feel you become bogged down by too many unnecessary modifiers and awkward phrasing.



I have provided my comments on your...
Forum: Fiction 09-08-2015, 05:55 PM
Replies: 15
Views: 1,375
Posted By risk10
This reads more like a script piece - it is very...

This reads more like a script piece - it is very dialogue heavy.

However, you handle the flow of dialogue fairly well. There are some flabby bits in there - particularly where the MC appears to...
Forum: Writers' Cafe 09-06-2015, 10:26 PM
Replies: 25
Views: 2,567
Posted By risk10
Great to see you back on the boards, Lorraine....

Great to see you back on the boards, Lorraine. Don't leave it so long next time :)
Forum: Fiction 09-06-2015, 07:35 PM
Replies: 13
Views: 1,129
Posted By risk10
Let me start of by saying this is the best piece...

Let me start of by saying this is the best piece of writing by a WB "noobie" I have read in a long, long time.

Character was great. Descriptions were spot on. Fantastic flow in the story during...
Forum: Fiction 09-03-2015, 09:30 PM
Replies: 11
Views: 1,084
Posted By risk10
Damn! This started so well for me. You seemed to...

Damn! This started so well for me. You seemed to channel some of the old masters with your style: Lovecraft, Capote, Russell. Yes there was some pretentiousness, but, for me that made the atmosphere....
Forum: Fiction 09-02-2015, 06:00 PM
Replies: 28
Views: 2,083
Posted By risk10
Just a word to the new poster: Any...

Just a word to the new poster:

Any disclaimer that brings with it the caveat "I just knocked this up in between lessons - rough draft not edited" tells me that you're not too serious about...
Forum: Fiction 09-02-2015, 05:53 PM
Replies: 12
Views: 902
Posted By risk10
The writing is very, very good. I think there is...

The writing is very, very good. I think there is a slight disconnect with the opening para and the rest of the story - probably because it is in a different point of view (hence neither male nor...
Forum: Fiction 09-02-2015, 05:21 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 639
Posted By risk10
Welcome to the WB ktz I have few comments to...

Welcome to the WB ktz

I have few comments to make on the style and structure of this story.

The first is the straightforward and factual voice of the story-telling. This is all telling an no...
Forum: Board Games 03-15-2015, 04:18 PM
Replies: 120
Views: 14,093
Posted By risk10
breathless

breathless
Forum: Fiction 03-09-2015, 05:35 PM
Replies: 25
Views: 2,104
Posted By risk10
Hi midwestamp, Loved the read. I have to...

Hi midwestamp,

Loved the read. I have to agree with almost everything that Joe said, particularly the line about the sickness and funeral, that had me stuck too. It was also a good point about...
Forum: Fiction 03-09-2015, 04:50 PM
Replies: 44
Views: 4,557
Posted By risk10
Totally your choice - you know where your story...

Totally your choice - you know where your story is heading and what needs to be revealed to the reader. I will say that I feel the back story requires tightening up. An example is the line 'The years...
Forum: Writers' Cafe 03-09-2015, 04:34 PM
Replies: 65
Views: 6,408
Posted By risk10
The English suck at every sport

The English suck at every sport
Forum: Fiction 03-08-2015, 02:35 PM
Replies: 44
Views: 4,557
Posted By risk10
Hi Azmacna, Love your style of writing, even...

Hi Azmacna,

Love your style of writing, even if I am not quite sold on the story you have presented here. I think you and I have similar approaches to writing.

I have a few suggestions below,...
Forum: Fiction 03-05-2015, 03:55 PM
Replies: 13
Views: 1,481
Posted By risk10
Hi Sara, Liked the idea here, but found the...

Hi Sara,

Liked the idea here, but found the character very passive. I think you need more of a hook at the start (an inciting incident, maybe that lead to her suicide). You use a lot of...
Forum: Writers' Cafe 03-04-2015, 06:54 PM
Replies: 31
Views: 3,252
Posted By risk10
As Daes quite rightly states, it is my opinion. ...

As Daes quite rightly states, it is my opinion.

I use words like "I feel" and "In my view". Good luck empirically testing my opinion.
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