WritersBeat.com

WritersBeat.com (http://forums.writersbeat.com/index.php)
-   Nine and Sixty Ways Poetry Tools and Lessons (http://forums.writersbeat.com/forumdisplay.php?f=103)
-   -   conceited>? (http://forums.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=54991)

Nacia 11-03-2014 11:38 AM

conceited>?
 
what is conceit
but a little defeat
that tells you
you are wrong
when you know you are right,
follow your light
till the end of the night
each step may trite
but you will know your might
when you see it fight
to guide you to your height,
life is a bite
and you to it recite
I am here till white
any day delight.

LeWriter 11-13-2014 07:01 AM

Hey Nacia,

Interesting piece, fun rhyme. Just a few things I have to clarify;


What's the '>?' in the title? Is it supposed to imply that nothing trumps the all powerful conceit?

I am here till white

Does white refer to the closure of one's life and the ascension to heaven?

and you to it recite

What does this mean? Does it imply living one's life?

LeWriter

I-Gypsy-Queen 11-30-2014 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nacia (Post 678955)
what is conceit
but a little defeat
that tells you
you are wrong
when you know you are right,
follow your light
till the end of the night
each step may trite
but you will know your might
when you see it fight
to guide you to your height,
life is a bite
and you to it recite
I am here till white
any day delight.

Hey! I started off really enjoying your play on the rhyme, but honestly by the end it seemed like you were reaching for it and it became ostentatiously obvious. Don't forget you are the master of the rhyme! It does not master you! Why not try switching it up for the last half, or just one line that should stand out. You could end the poem after "to guide you to your height" and it would still carry more strength. Everything after that seems like you added an after thougt and it's not as strong as the beginning.
Keep on trucking! Looking forward to the next one.


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 02:58 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.