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-   -   Need feedback please. (http://forums.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=25916)

Lmc71775 07-15-2010 10:23 AM

Need feedback please.

I like to write, write, write
when Iím happy or sad.
Every day and all night
Iíll write on my notepad.

I think about a word
on days I feel alone,
on something Iíve not heard
and research the unknown.

Like wonder if thereís snow
on planets besides Earth
and to see how things grow
on a starís astro turf.

All my thoughts come alive
I can see the words form
like when the crowds arrive
to watch actors perform.

I write of anything,
like monkeys at the zoo,
jumping up on a swing,
while doing a flip or two.

Wild, my thoughts will run
like a huge crazy bird,
chasing the big bright sun
over a silly word.

I write of something small,
like ants crawling on trees,
or giraffes, lighthouse tall,
or little bumblebees.

Or sail oceans and back,
to islands on a boat,
while eating healthy snacks,
like cake and ice cream floats.

Or fish, sharks or dolphins
or whatever swims in seas,
and have wings instead of fins,
anything, I can be.

Some days I write stories.
Some days I write a poem,
about a girl named Tori
brushing sand with a comb.

I write about fact too
Like how things live and breathe
Iíll read of something new
and something I believe.

It could be fun or hard
Like taking tests at school
or playing in your yard
or swimming at the pool.

I can write anywhere
at parks in cars or trains
When I am here or there
and while it starts to rain.

Or when I am lazy
And I donít get out of bed
I write something crazy
That hides inside my head.

Like the green monster Lou
that always sings offbeat
while taking off his shoes
to stop and smell his feet.

I write whatís on my mind,
whatever it may be.
I write to try and find
the person inside of me.

My pen is like a wand
writing a magic show.
I find it very fond
to see the words all glow.

Paper is like treasure
washed along the shore.
It really is a pleasure
to write more and more.

So if youíre bored like me
not knowing what to do
a pen and paper might be
just the right thing for you.

It really is that easy.
Just write a word to start.
Even if itís cheesy,
just write with all your heart.

I need a title and need to know if it flows right and if it enough sounds good.

Alex Moon 07-15-2010 10:52 AM

This feels like it lacks any emotion. From the first stanza down, I felt like I wasn't emotionally attached at all. And the words read monotone and they didn't sound like it came purely from the heart. It has good flow. But the emotion wasn't there. I felt like I was forced down a happiness that wasn't there.
You have a good writing style. You just need to figure out how to channel your emotions. Imo.
Keep up writing and keep writing and writing. You'll soon be able to find your true feelings.

Lmc71775 07-15-2010 11:56 AM

Oh shucks...just when I thought I was getting close. Thanks for the post. I will try to convey more emotion

Alex Moon 07-15-2010 12:14 PM

I am here to help if you need any.

AbbyBlack 07-15-2010 01:27 PM

It's too long. When a piece is that long, you can't keep up. Being halfway, you have to go back to the start because you've already forgotten what the first lines were... er, I do that, anyway. Maybe I have bad memory. But even if I do, remeber that you don't choose your reader and he may just as well have a very low short term memory capacity. Respect that and people will remember what the poem was about by the end they finish : p
But I see some lovely figurative speech here... and some really lovely use of vocabulary. Totally want to read more of your work.

Lmc71775 07-15-2010 02:15 PM

Thanks Abby. It's long because I want it to be a picture book for kids...but if you're gettin lost by the concept, maybe it is too long....I don't know now. thanks for your input

AbbyBlack 07-15-2010 02:19 PM

Well that changes a lot! In that case, asuming there'll be two verses max per page and lovely illustrations, the idea's great! And I love well done children's book, I still have the one about two bunnies that are arguing about which one loves the other more (anyone else read it? So cute...), and though I probably shouldn't admit this, a good children's book or film makes me happy ^ ^ So yes, this is a lovely idea, and could work because it's not something that will be printed in a poetry volume in tiny print. Reading through it, it did appear to me that the language is somewhat not fitted for serious poetry, but having the knowledge of its purpose, this works. And I don't think it's emotionless at all. After all, complex emotion isn't something you see often in children's books, so this is a piece fitted perfectly for its purpose : )

ScribblerKing 07-15-2010 02:21 PM

Yes...this so reads like a picture book for kids I was thinking "Cat in the Hat" the whole time and it will not seem as long broken up like that with pictures that could also help with the emotion...

This is actually like a picture book for writers and their fragile ego if you ask me....very intuitive and palyful in spots and here it does read longgggggg...

I could see myself reading this to kids....

Lmc71775 07-15-2010 02:36 PM

Thanks guys. Well now you got me thinking...is it too long for a picture book too? PB's are usually around 500 to 1500 wrds and this is only 400. But should I cut the boring stanzas? Which ones? And a title, does anyone have any ideas that would grab readers under 12?

AbbyBlack 07-15-2010 02:41 PM

No, in this case, I don't think it's too long. And when I was under 12, in fact, well let's say 7, I was more attracted to the thinner books because the huge volumes just seemed to 'grown-up'. So going for less is definitely something to consider if you want to appeal to a kid, I mean when you were 8, would you have chosen a huge, thick tome?
And more important than a title is a nice, colourful cover. : ) Kids are superficial like that...

ScribblerKing 07-16-2010 05:29 AM

Why not somethign as simple as "I Like to Write!" No, not very clever I admit but along the theme and sounds like a kids book title.

Lmc71775 07-16-2010 06:30 AM

Thanks everyone...I think I have the title "Have Fun, Write Now!"

what do you guys think?

AbbyBlack 07-16-2010 01:40 PM

A fairly good pun. A title like any other (I'm still holding on to my go for the colourful cover idea : o), it works!

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