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-   -   A Family Begins (strong language) (http://forums.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=62370)

WilliamS. 05-12-2018 11:47 PM

A Family Begins (strong language)
 
A Family Begins



"Just do it!"

"Tom, you're crazy..."

"It will work. I know it will work."

"Tom, this is a serious decision. I know that you don't believe in God, but I do; and Jesus says it's wrong to get an abortion."

"I don't want you to get an abortion, Sara. We talked about this..."

"Yeah. I know. 'Abortions are too expensive'. Just because it's different doesn't make this okay in God's eyes. Jesus sees everything I do, and I want to get into heaven when I die. If God wanted us to conceive a child in love, then it is my duty as a Christian to love my child as Mary loved Jesus... Those 'fetuses' are babies, suffering the torment as Jesus suffered upon the cross. Would I subject my own unborn child to such torment?"

"Sara, it's just a clump of cells right now. It's not a baby yet."

"Tom, I am seven months pregnant. I'm sure the baby is bigger than that by now."

"Whatever. We are unemployed. We can barely afford to eat ramen and vodka. If there's another useless mouth around here we'll all starve."

"Then we'll starve... and I'll go to heaven and I'll see Jesus."

"Sara, I love you. And some day I'll get a job and we'll get a house and a dog and we'll have a million kids. It's just not the right time now. We can't survive. We won't survive."

"Tom, I love you. I trust you... usually-But this time I must insist. I just don't think it would be right in Jesus' eyes."

"Please, I'll kill myself! I can't take the stress. Please."

"Tom, I am NOT 'cramming this chunk of rat poison up my pussy'. That's final."

"But... But I already stole it from Lowes! They have CAMERAS there. I could go to jail for stealing..."

"And murder."

"Yeah! ...Wow, I didn't even think of that! And murder!"

"See! You admit it! You KNOW it's wrong! Thank you Jesus. I pray for Tom, my boyfriend. I intend to marry him to fix our sin we're living in, and I think deep down he knows you're there and one day he will become a good Christian and accept the Lord Jesus into his heart. Thank you God, and bless us one and all, amen. P.S. We have a little one on the way. Please guide our little family to safety. I love you God, amen. Tom. Thomas! Where are you going? What are you doing?"

"I'm throwing the rat poison into the neighbors' pool. It will probably just melt away in there..."

"Tom! They have children!"

"It's not 'kid poison'. Jesus. As long as the rats aren't swimming everyone should be ok. Besides, it's December. Watch." >clunk clunk< "Uh oh. They have their pool cover on....Uh oh..."

'barkbarkbarkBARKBARKBARK'

"Tom! Did their dog get the poison? Did the neighbor's fucking dog eat the fucking POISON you just threw over the fucking fence?"

"...well..."

"Tom? Answer me."

"... it's not 'dog poison'...."

Prodigalson 05-13-2018 12:43 PM

I fear for his children.

daes13 07-21-2018 04:30 PM

This is what I like to call an avalanche story, starting breakneck in medias res in hopes of carrying away the reader but just ends up snowballing into a splat.

As a script, it may have merits. As a literary piece it is void of characterization or any actual realism.

Consider the event you are trying to portray, the choice of two adults with different ideologies. It would not be as impetuous or lackluster as this.

I would suggest slowing the story down, and centering a POV, if only to get into the psychology of the characters.

Remember, when dealing with an issue that demands psychology, one has to make it more than simple pathology. Likewise, when considering an event, it must be about character above archetype.

Thanks for sharing.

brianpatrick 07-21-2018 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by daes13 (Post 746549)
This is what I like to call an avalanche story, starting breakneck in medias res in hopes of carrying away the reader but just ends up snowballing into a splat.

As a script, it may have merits. As a literary piece it is void of characterization or any actual realism.

Consider the event you are trying to portray, the choice of two adults with different ideologies. It would not be as impetuous or lackluster as this.

I would suggest slowing the story down, and centering a POV, if only to get into the psychology of the characters.

Remember, when dealing with an issue that demands psychology, one has to make it more than simple pathology. Likewise, when considering an event, it must be about character above archetype.

Thanks for sharing.



Yes well, you swing back around and select a story from May to crit? I remember when this was posted and couldnít get past the dialogue.

Chinspinner has posted a pretty good sci-if. Maybe read that one.

daes13 07-22-2018 03:58 AM

Dear God, what day is it?

brianpatrick 07-22-2018 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by daes13 (Post 746560)
Dear God, what day is it?



Itís July. I only know that because itís so fucking hot here. The air conditioner in my work truck went out last week reminding me what a fragile little pussy I really am.


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